I have cheated on my wife on more than one occasion during our marriage. We were married at 18 and have been with each other on and off for 10 years. We separated when I deployed to Spain. From time to time we talked but she knew I had a relationship going on and I suspected she did too. When I came back we tried to rekindle but it didn't work because my mind was on the other woman and hers was on the other man. We still continued to have sex even though we were both seeing someone else. She got pregnant and said it was mine but no one will ever know because she had a miscarriage. We have been planning to attempt a one last time reconciliation when I return from deployment. She has moved to a new city and plans for me to move there also when I return. I had sex with an old friend before I left and now she says she is pregnant with my baby. How do I explain this to my wife? We are separated but I know this will tear her apart? I do want to work it out with her because we have three children and I do love her. We both have made some bad decisions and this time it has caught up with me. Is there any hope for our relationship or should I just end it? If I do end it I want to have all of the necessary paperwork completed before she finds out about the baby. I do not want to see her hurt and if it was my decision she would never find out about the baby. I know I deserve this because of the choices I made but is there any way this relationship can work?

Any relationship can work with trust, honesty, and strong desire to make it work. It sounds like this second one is starting out like the first one. You have to decide if you want to run in circles or work to have something wonderful. And Trust me it can be wonderful !

The only upside now is you get to choose (you're in control). Tell the first one about the second, or the second about the the first. (if this second one knew about the first, it was over before it started... she will never trust you anyway)

You've been deployed, so I assume you already know life is not easy on any front. Stay and fight, or duck and run, you get to choose. Both are hard.

When I said (you're in control) it was for a reason. Right now you are. After you tell your W that right passes to her. Then she's in control. She can decide to stay or go and that is her right. Read about Plan A here on the site. Start yours today if you choose.

I'm sorry for being blunt, believe you I'm not judging you in any way. I happen to be dearly in love with a women who made a mistake. Today i can tell you it was just that. She is the best person I have ever met and fighting against every instinct I had to run was the greatest accomplishment of my life.

Anyone can do this.

Oz

Welcome aboard Grizzybear,

Man you've made a mess here....

1st you have to address the pregnantcy. I can't pretend to know the best way thru this other to say what I would do.

You have to decide if you are going to commit to your marriage or not .... It is unfair to your childern and wife to drag them thru this unless you are going to see it thru..... and I mean COMMIT.....

Your wife will find out about the baby.... It will come out like all secrets do.... and she has the right to know and the right to make up her mind as to whether or not she is willing to try to make the marriage work.....
How long is your current deployment???
How much longer till you get state side???
Can it be an accompanyed tour ???
Is having the familly come over an option ???
Is the other woman where you are???

Thanks for responding. I will be stateside this summer. My current tour is an accompanied tour but my W moved to Georgia because she wanted to start over. She says she didn't want to live around the guy she was seeing or her friends because she wants me to trust her. By having the family come over if you mean the pregnant woman the answer is no. My wife does know who she is and the two of them don't get along too well. The other woman is not where I am stationed. She lives in my hometown where all of the drama began.

If the girl is pregnant with your baby, how does that effect your future decision?

Now is the time to put ALL the truth on the table. Anything less means you both end up right back in the same ol' place you've been before. Without 100% honesty your relationship is doomed. The truth maybe painful, but not as painful as finding out later you were lied to. You need to expect that from her as well.

Survive the truth, and your relationship stands a good chance. Lie (which includes witholding information) and your days are numbered.

-JKT

Be honest with your WW. All cards out on the table. Its in your WW's hands to handle the cards if your OW is pregnate. But you cant be in a marriage with lies. And that is what you would be doing. Eventually she will find out about the OW and your child. I would say to the OW that once the baby is born DNA is done to see if it is yours and hers. If it is you AND your WW have to make a choice. and the only obligation to the OW is the child not her.

You are not yet cut out for marriage as proven by your lifestyles.

1. Get a divorce immediately, you are too immature to be married.

2. Go out dating, all you want, try and use condoms so no more unwanted babies are created,, and continue messing around with various women and get it out of your system. For the next 5-10 years.

3. Pay child support on the one child you will be having now, You dont have to see the baby, just make sure and pay the 20 years of child support.

This way, when you ARE mature enough to be able to "keep it in your pants" and when you learn to LOVE ONLY ONE WOMAN for the rest of your life, then you can attempt meeting a great woman to marry again.

But not now.

GBear,

Here's the reality:

Bubbles makes some very good points, except you do not need to be dating.

You must tell your wife about your affair partner's child.
You must own up to that, and once the child is born, establish paternity to be certain it is your child. After all, whether you like it or not, if this OW is willing to sleep with you - a married man - she probably has the morales of a turnip and will also "cheat" on you and sleep around while you are deployed. So check to be certain it is even yours. That might sound cold-hearted, but true enough indeed.

If the child is yours, you have a responsibility to the child. You have been one irresponsible man so far in your life, and it is about time to own your choices and own your life.


Where is it written that marriage means you can just decide that you aren't "really" married, and all of a sudden sleep around????? Just because you are deployed? Just because it feels sluggish in the marriage? Just because the clouds were shaped like little puppies one morning?????? What??????

You and your wife have somehow lost touch with what a marriage is about. And the concept that you might "hurt" your wife if she finds out about the OW and OC? That's a bunch of hogwash. I'm sitting here thinking that your wife probably doesn't know you've been messing around as you say she does, and now you are in hip-deep.

You need to sit down with your wife, talk about Openness and Honesty, spill your guts, and hope for the best. You have screwed the pooch, GBear, and if your marriage is going to have a remote chance of survival, it will start on a foundation of HONESTY.

Anything else will doom it.

Please, spend some bank and call the Harleys. You need them.

SB