How are the viewing of internet porn, dating websites and infidelity connected? Has anyone else seen a connection? I have added a weblogger to my computer as part of my detective work in uncovering infidelity in my marriage and was surprised to find out that not only was an affair in progress but a lot of internet porn was being viewed and my WS had signed up for a number of dating websites last summer but never deleted his profile. He lied on his profile and was interested in "looking" at a lot of younger women. No contact was made with actual women. No emails sent. He explained it as curiousity and boredom. Said that he had "forgotten" about them. No recent activity is evident. I have passwords to all of them because I had them sent to his email address that I have full access to. Seems like playing with fire to me. He was very embarassed when I found out. He deleted all profiles at my request. I think it is part of the problem that led to loose boundaries that ended in infidelity and he has agreed with me as the fog has started to lift.

It's an endemic sickness of our modern, technologically advanced, "me first" society. It's hard to hear the whispers of those upholding traditional marriage amongst the shouting from the entertainment industry pushing extra-marital relationships as a cure-all of unhappiness.

I've been right where you are standing...

YEARS of this, and continuing and continuing...as soon as you find one nest of indiscretions, there will be more somewhere else, and when things seem calm, and one day you "just check" to see if anything is going on, you'll find it never stopped.

It seems so innocent...just a little of this...a little of that...nothing that he can't explain away as an afterthought, or wasn't thinking, or was curious...

DO NOT BELIEVE HIM! As bad as it seems you have just seen the tip of the iceberg. There are probably stashes hidden all over the house. He has devoted HOURS to thinking and strategizing how he is going to continue this. He has been VERY conscious of what he is doing and spends a great deal of time thinking it out.

That's the bad news...

The good news? There is a side of him that is ashamed, disgusted and wants to quit. And this is NOT about you. That also is a double-edged sword, you didn't get him to this place, you can't get him out.

What this sounds like is a raging sex addiction. Living with a sex addict for years, I know you can fool yourself into thinking it's not that bad...but now that I'm on the other side, it WAS that bad.

If he is not doing it, then he is thinking about it. He probably fantasizes while you are having sex, plans what he is going to do when you are not around, and while you are out with him or talking to him, his mind is somewhere else.

So what can you do? Not really a whole lot, but like any addict, you can give them the choice...their addiction or you.

Beware, this is an easy addiction to keep hidden for a while...he may make promises, and fully intend to keep them, but will fall back during times of stress, and once he's started he will lie to himself and think he can handle it.

That was the toughest part for me, he lied to himself so much, lying to me came naturally...

There is help out there, we went through quite a few counselors till we found the right one, and the right path. There were things he tried that worked and things he tried that didn't work...there are some websites that are quite helpful. The one he found helped the most for him (and there are books) is Rational Recovery, but he found he needed support after this too...

I have looked up "sexual addiction" and am not convinced that my husband qualifies but will watch for other signs and keep an open mind. I have searched the house extensively and found nothing except what was on the computer. I appreciate the feedback however.

My FWH and I just started the At Home MB Course and it comes with a DVD of Dr. Harley at one of the seminars. He talks about his Rule of Sexual Exclusivity - there should be no porn, no masturbating , no sexual experiences without your spouse. All your sexual experiences should be involved with your spouse. After all it's one of the most pleasurable experiences and we're supposed to have all of our best experiences with our spouse. He also says that by withholding from everything else, it builds the excitement for that time with your spouse making the experience that much better.

Also when viewing porn, masturbating, etc. it causes you to focus on somebody else during that heightened pleasure.

That makes a lot of sense. Viewing porn does feel like a form of adultery. I would rather keep my focus on a real person that I love (my husband). He has said that he just thinks all normal men like porn. He hadn't ever told me about it because it was something that he looked at when I wasn't around- another little secret. I would have never known about it if I hadn't put a weblogger on the computer after I discovered the affair. The dating websites are definitely out! Those hurt my feelings a lot more than the porn because, those are real, available, local women. I almost left after finding those. The only reason that I stayed is because, he hadn't actually contacted anyone and it was all prior to dday. I don't care if he was "just looking". Not ok to me.

If someone is addicted to porn, and porn doesn't do it (meaning, porning no longer results in getting high), then, yes, sex addiction can escalate to physical cheating. But I don't think watching porn will lead to infidelity, per say.

How was the rest of your marriage? When my husband's use escalated, we definately got into a pattern of interaction that comes with addiction. We also didn't communicate, at all towards the end. Actually, even when we were dating and things were good, my husband was not non-sexually intimate.

Just because you searched your house and didn't find anything doesn't mean anything. My husband knew enough to hide tracks on our computer. It wasn't until he got sloppy with peer-to-peer programs that I finally found something. My husband was able to hide his addiction quite well for 20 years.

If you are concerned about sex addiction, you might want to read books by Patrick Carnes.

I think they are related, but probably not causal.

Related in the sense that they probably point to a situation where the man is most likely dissatisfied with his sex life. (Before anyone jumps on me about that, I acknowledge that a man can be dissatisfied with or without cause.)

Not necessarily causal, in that I think a man could view internet porn and stop there, or even sign up on dating web sites and stop there. Said another way, I do not think a man who is inclined to not cheat on his wife, will change his inclination because of internet porn or dating websites.

Anyway, when people are unhappy, they experiment. What constrains them on what they choose to experiment with is usually the net consequences. Meaning, most people consider whether the good they expect from that experiment is greater than the bad. The "good" is very abstract and can be nothing more than "just something different". The "bad" is more concrete and usually governed by either their morals, the law, or society's opinion. Unfortunately, morals usually take a secondary spot to the law and society's opinion. Further, many view law's and society's opinion as only relevent if one gets caught.

It's this point about getting caught where the internet has really changed things.

So net, I think they are related because the man is dissatisfied with his life, he experiments with porn (as SF is his biggest EN), to indulge in fantasy. He may consider it immoral, but since he won't get caught, he decides the benefits are worth the risk. When one asks why he did it, he won't really have an answer, because he wasn't looking for anything in particular, he just didn't think any bad would come from it. (That's why the real answer to why is almost always really "I didn't think I would get caught")

When the fantasy becomes insufficient, he escalates., etc.

I also don't think this behavior is the sole domain of men. One could also ask, how are reading romance novels or watching movies like Bridges, "girls night's out", and infidelity connected? To me, it appears to be the same pattern. Life is unsatisfying, indulge in a fantasy that meets what appears to be lacking, take steps to see if one can make it happen in real life.

I used to get soooo upset about husband's porn. I remember the first time I found out it was so rampant we were in paris, before we were even married and we turned on the TV in the hotel room and were laughing at the porn on the tv in mid-day. turned it off, were talking about it laughing about what I thought was viewing before our relationship and I just got so upset when I realized it was just days ago.

years and years of getting really upset about it, thinking it was a horrible betrayal of me which caused him to lie more and hide it more and feel more guilty.

about a year ago, or 1.5 years ago, I just decided to get over it. so I did. and I'm fine with it. when I was much younger, I was fine with it....then I think my first divorce just swung that pendulum so far in the other direction that I couldn't deal with any of it. But that seems so irrational now - the insecurity was with me, not the porn.