No, Queenie...no to Plan A. You are just asking for more abuse.

Queenie, I think your Plan A was DANGEROUSLY long. Not just for your love bank or mental health, but also because it reinforced to your WS that you don't believe you deserve respect. Your WS disrepected you pre-affair. And doing such a long Plan A taught him that he can disrespect you in the hugest way, and you still will grovel at his feet. I think you appeared desperate. And that is how you will again appear if you go back to Plan A.

Sorry, I love you dearly and DO NOT want to hurt your feelings. But you are worrying me with this talk of Plan A.

Remember who you have become today. THAT woman would NOT go back to Plan A. She's worth way too much!

Yes. At one point I had such contempt for my H that I didn't care what happened to him. He'd be the sperm donor of my children and that's it.

That would be ME.. I did Plan A for 9 months. I wouldn't confront him at all. I was too afraid. But I made so many mistakes in my marriage I just was committed to being the best for as long as I could. However, I began to see how it was counterproductive and the results weren't happening that had in the beginning.

I also got to be very intuned to Plan A'ing my husband and Plan B'ing the wayward when I was around him.

Plan A would be absolutely inappropriate, Queenie. You should only consider reconcilation if your H is committed to a program of recovery. Otherwise, you will just be setting yourself up for another round of grief and heartache. My suggestion would be to not touch him with a 10' pole unless and until you saw dramatic changes that convinced you he was CAPABLE and WILLING to do what it takes to create a great marriage.

No Plan A Queenie. His mindset is still wayward and he WILL hurt you. {{{{Queenie}}}

SMB's eloquent words deserve repeating. The bolded statements are what's relevent to this topic.

Not to derail the thread but I second this!

Sorry, Queenie, your friends VOTE NO!! And we are armed with guns and hawg tyin rope!!

I do KNOW this. I just wanted to make sure. I had fun in Plan A. What I could do is find out how to Plan A MYSELF... LOL would that work?

I can't say I ever stopped loving my HUSBAND, but I HATED the evil man he had become. And because I was not in Plan B, I began to believe his babble about never loving me, and my entire adult life seemed a lie. Maybe you cannot imagine not loving your husband. But if you are not protecting yourself in Plan B, eventually you will believe the man you love is dead or never existed in the first place.

Most BS's really don't see the danger they are in while Plan Aing. You are walking along a cliffside, but because the fog is so thick, you can't see how close you are to the edge.

LOL... Yes ma'am, I hear ya LOUD and CLEAR.

No Plan A for WH. Me, well let's see how creative I can be for ME....

((((((((((((((((((((((((QUEENIE))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much Melody. I really appreciate that. Truly, thank you.

ITA. I never stop loving my H but I despised what he had become and for making me feel somewhat evil myself for WANTING to hurt him or not caring if I did; the latter being the worst.

I'm sorry, but the Affair does NOT have abuse???!!?? Honestly??? I have to whole-heartedly disagree with that statement. How can you say that the affair relationship itself is not an abusive relationship???? I am honestly dumbfounded by this statement.

H and I were talking this weekend about the A, and he himself says it was abusive....to EACH OTHER. How is taking someone away from their family not abusive?? How is pulling a mother away from her children, not abusive??? How is conducting sin with each other not abusive???

Their abuse was disguised under the words and actions of "love", but it was none-the-less abusive, which is why affairs do not last......

not2fun

If it makes you feel better, you can Plan A me. Send me some chocolates... I'll send you some back.

Well, for those of you who are clinging to Plan A for fear of Plan B, I will warn you that every day you stay in Plan A when you should have gone to Plan B, you are experiencing trauma that makes recovery so much harder.

A long-term Plan A makes recovery very hard. I Plan A'd for nearly 6 months, and I was overdue for Plan B--I just had no idea what fragile shape I was in at that time. I still thought I was strong and "handling" it.

Recovering from the affair is so much "easier" (can I use that word?) than recovering from the multitude of hurtful things he said and did to me during my Plan A.

If I had plan B'd earlier, I would have protected myself from the very things that I find are my biggest hurts today.

((((((((((((((Queenie))))))))))))))))))

You KNOW the answer to this,,,,,,of course IT WILL WORK!!!!! That's what you have been doing this last year. Actually longer!!!!!

And no, no no no Plan A. You did your part. Time for WH to do his. You cannot "fix" him, you cannot "fix" this....all you can do is fix and control you!!!!! Better yet, let G-d have everything.

My mom has this quote framed and next to her kitchen sink....I think you would do well to have one yourself......it says

"K,

Trust me, I have everything under control, Love, G-D"

not2fun

I guess one of my questions then is how many marriages ON MB have recovered after going into Plan B?

I agree with all the reasonings about not allowing your WS to abuse you any longer and using Plan B to get away from that abuse, but what about very strong women of faith, who believe with all their might, that they are supposed to STAND in the gap for their husbands? And they are ABLE to take what is dished out?

Like I said before, I didn't do Plan A or B and I let my DH come home with no conditions. In fact, he came in saying that he didn't know if this is what he wanted, wasn't sure if he was staying, etc.

And what about the prodigal son? There were no conditions to be met when he came home. He was welcomed with open arms. However, I do believe if he had returned with an attitude of entitlement, he would have quickly been sent away. But how did his father know what his attitude was when he returned? I would have sent my DH away if things hadn't improved.

I wish the Bible was clearer on the circumstances. This would be a very useful passage as far as waywards are concerned.

I never had to plan a or b- but here is what I have gathered from all the writings I have read:

Plan A is to show the WS what the relationship can be- and if you have to go into PB the last memories your spouse will have of you will not be filled with LB's and DJs.
There is no way (unless you ARE a total doormatt) that anyone could live in PA.
It would tear apart your very being.

Yes, you can fall out of love with a WS. I know this. You can only fall down so far before you bounce back up. When your head clears, and you realise what your WS has put you through- it really takes it's toll.

PM, I am at work so I cant find the scripture, but the one that applies here is NOT to associate yourself with evil. This is why I believe Plan B a biblical principle. [Dr Harley will tell he got this from a prophecy from a God] It protects the spouse from being destroyed by evil by removing her from it. And when/if the WS does part from evil, the door is open.

But what happens when a BS stays yoked to evil is the entire family gets dragged into the depths of hell, instead of just the WS. Children lose both parents instead of one, because many people have nervous breakdowns and severe physical and emotional problems from this kind of abuse. And guess who would like that?