Almost a year ago to date I discovered that my WW was having a PA affair with a co-worker. D-Day March 2008
At the time she was adamant that the marriage was broken and irreconcilable. Back in October she wanted to reconcile and I agreed to only if we attended MC. That lasted about 6 sessions and she decided that she didn't want to attend any longer but still wanted to work on the marriage. The problem was she wanted to try an "open marriage" and I foolishly thought it was possible going against every moral value I was raised on. I know now that this was just her efforts to have the best of both worlds. After trying several times to convince her that this would not improve her view of marriage I pretty much gave up and broke a rule preached throughout this forum and started dating. I did not lie to her but I know I should have finalized my current situation but I felt that it had lingered too long. My BS found out about the other person and wants to do everything possible to keep the marriage but I somehow have no desire any more (could I be an a fog also with my new friend?). My main reasons for not wanting to try anymore. 1) Her persistence on having an open marriage and the OM has her side boyfriend. 2) Her constant stressing over her need for privacy (which I feel is her way to do wrong 3) Even after agreeing to a monogamous marriage she saw nothing wrong with her communicating with OM at work. 4) The fact that she only put the divorce proceedings on hold and wanted to test the waters back home before she pulled the plug totally. There are other smaller issues but these stood out for me. The problem that I am having is that after seeing her cry and promise to do everything possible to keep the marriage, I still feel divorce is the answer. I don't understand why do I wake up feeling bad for wanting the divorce now. Can someone chime in and shed some light on my feelings.

I came close to D and I think making that kind of decision is not easily made for anyone. This is the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with and have invested six years already. Of course you are going to have conflicted feelings about D. Reading your posts makes me believe you know it's the right decision because you don't like the person you are becoming as a result of your WW's decisions,irresponsibility and mode of living. She's a very confused person.

GG

D&C, your situation is a demonstration of why Plan B is so important. You have tolerated her abuse for so long that you have fallen out of love. Had you gone into plan B a long time ago, you might have protected any remaining love you had for her.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your wife really is interested in doing what it will take to recover your marriage since she REFUSES to end contact with her OM. Rahter, her interest lies in just keeping you on the sidelines. The upcoming divorce has scared her, but not enough to do what it takes to fix your marriage.

My suggestion would be to go into plan B NOW and let the divorce go through. If she ever decides to end her contact with the OM and commit to doing what it will take to have a healthy, affair proof marriage, you could take a second look. But as it is now, she is not serious. She is just a little scared about losing her husband. [but not scared enough to adjust her lifestyle or end contact with the OM]

Any normal person should feel BAD about divorce. But your instincts are exactly right, D&C, about the appropriateness of divorce. There is nothing here for you under these circumstances, except a few more years of hell and grief.

You feel bad because you made a promise to yourself to be her H for better or for worse. The worse wasn't supposed to include adultery though. You feel bad because you care and that's a good thing.

After reading your first thread, I have to ask...

Why did WW pawn off her DD onto a grandparent to raise?

Tell her this.

"A year ago you relished cheating on me and declaring our marriage was over. My pain and tears meant nothing to you. Well you finally threw me a bone and stopped the divorce. But under the condition that you could still spread your legs for the other man. You wanted an open marriage and I was totally against it, but gave in. So you stayed married to me and kept screwing the other guy, enjoying your freedom and my pain. Well my dear, over time you were able to kill any love I had for you. I imagine it was my heart building up a callous to protect itself. Though I didn't take advantage of our open marriage initially. You eventually convinced me to explore it. I mean after all. My love for you was dead. The love you screwed away with another man. I didn't plan on falling for my new partner. But hey, what the hell did you care. So now we have come full circle and I am the one choosing divorce. And though I am most definitely divorcing your cheating a$$, I am somewhat sorry that you were so stupid that you couldn't see what you were throwing away. Oh well, sucks being you."

And what would be the point of telling her that? For the BH to portray himself as a bitter, vengeful BH?

IMO, a D should never be an act of vengeance. I get the impression that the BH here wants to D because he simply cannot fathom having a rewarding M with the type of person his WW turned out to be.

Call it a cathartic experience. That would be the reason. The other point is trying to kindle a little righteous anger in him. So he can just do it. There may be a time for hand holding and singing kumbaya, but its not now. Call me a counterweight to her weeping and pleading. He doesn't have to take my advice. But if it helps him to get where HE wants to go, I guess it would be up to him.

Unless there was extenuating circumstances, I find that very telling to the kind of person she is.

I agree with you there, b_r.

D&C I think you're feeling bad about the D for two reasons:

1. Nobody gets married thinking they will ever divorce. Even when you know the D is the right thing, it hurts. You grieve the good parts of the M, you grieve the M you dreamed of and what could have been. This is very normal.

2. You got involved with someone else while you were still married. This probably has you thinking that you didn't do everything "by the books" and perhaps regretting dating while married (which, IMO, you should).