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#2232766 03/23/09 03:02 PM
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So here's my situation...I've been married for 2 years, with my wife for 4. We've just gotten back from a year trip in Latin America with loads of together time so we decided to take some alone time and work on different organic farms in NM. We live a very non-traditional lifestyle in that we are very nomadic and there is no home for either of us. She's French and has not been in her country in more than 3 years. I'm a long-term traveler for nearly 6 now.

During her time at the farm she made a connection with a man, an emotional and spiritual connection, but nothing physical. This is what she tells me and I trust her. This connection, however, has stirred up some issues for her and the end result is that she wants a separation, to live her life alone as a woman for a time. She's 27 and has been in a relationship since she was 20. Understandable, right?

Someone said that this is a classic wayward script and there may be things to do to save my marriage. This is something I want to do, but not if it entails manipulating her. I believe in her right to choose and the necessity of her growth.

Any thoughts?


dennislee #2232771 03/23/09 03:09 PM
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If it is truly worth fighting for then manipulate as you must. You are not fighting a fair fight if you dont. Maniplulate with understanding but make the facts the facts. I do not know your total situation but if it smells like a rat it is a rat. The excuse sounds like a cop out to not face her own guilt. I think at 20 you make plenty of decisions and are accountable for them. Letting her explore her time as a woman loosely translates to I wanna be with this other guy for a while and if it doesnt work...you wait for me.

Robbie_c #2232776 03/23/09 03:13 PM
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Thanks Robbie, but I really feel that it's not like that. I trust her that she wasn't with this other man. I know that 20 year olds are accountable, but perhaps there is a need for further development on your own? Know what I mean?

dennislee #2232777 03/23/09 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by dennislee
I believe in her right to choose and the necessity of her growth.

Any thoughts?

Didn't she choose to be married? ARe you married to each other?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by dennislee
I believe in her right to choose and the necessity of her growth.

Any thoughts?

Didn't she choose to be married? ARe you married to each other?

Were your marriage vows "for better or worse" or "until I outgrow you?"

Sounds like a REAL lack of commitment on both parts...and a whole lotta wishy-washy-ness


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Dealan-de #2232786 03/23/09 03:32 PM
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I know what you mean but I am not buying it. Sorry...you wanted thoughts. It just rings of an all too familiar story you see on here over and over. Just keep an eye out and read on.

Here is a good analogy...how many people drop out of college to "find themselves". how many of those people actually go back when they do???

dennislee #2232815 03/23/09 04:48 PM
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Traveler,

"I've been married for 2 years, with my wife for 4."

""She's 27 and has been in a relationship since she was 20.""

I'm doing the math here brother, and things don't add up.

You mean she has been in one relationship or another since she was 20?

So when you say solong is she going to head straight back to the farm for this other "connection"?

Kind of like the Sting song "If you love someone, set them free"? So you are hoping she'll come back?

You seem to have a groovy nomadic life style. Did you marry each other on a mountain top with just you, her and the great spirit blessing the union?

""but not if it entails manipulating her. I believe in her right to choose and the necessity of her growth.""

Would you saying "I don't want to separate from you" be manipulating her?

Her right to choose the other dude and not choose you anymore?

The necessity of her growth, meaning the growing away from you?

Loosey goosey comes to mind for some reason.

IMHO

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
krusht #2232833 03/23/09 05:34 PM
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the end result is that she wants a separation, to live her life alone as a woman for a time


Has she defined what she means as alone as a women? Sounds like single to boink othermen as she please's!! puke

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dennislee,

Denial isn't a river in Egypt.

You're in it.

I get the impression you're one of these touchy feely types that believes in "spiritual connections".

If you believe that she hasn't gotten physical, then you really are smoking what you're growing (that's a joke).

Time to wake up, bud. Women don't leave men for "spiritual connections" and friends.

She's getting her connections alright. But it's no with her spirits.

Now, are you willing to do what we advise to get to the truth or do you still wish to sit in denial that she'd doing nothing physical or cheating on you?

And we've seen this sad story many, many times. Sorry if we're a little skeptical over the "trust" you have over what we have seen time and time again to be the lying words of cheaters regarding their "friends".

Are you willing to set aside touchy feely stuff to man up and do what you need to do to end the budding affair your wife is in?

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dennislee,

Being married does not mean that your wife should be free to pursue the examination of whether or not a relationship with this other man might work for her or not.

That is what she is wanting to do. She wants her time to be alone as a woman so she can see if she wants to be with a different man - NOT WITH YOU - that is the translation here.

In other words, she wants to be "not married".

So she can date.


What's happened here is that she has run across a man who has tickled her fancy, and now she remembers what it was like back when the two of you first met. She misses ROMANCE.

So, get yourself together and give it to her.

Sit down with her and talk to her about emotional needs. Discuss how the emotional needs of the two of you have likely changed and evolved since you both have first met. That this process will go on throughout your lives together, and that as married people you can expect to have others cross through your paths that will tempt you - but as married people you cannot jump ship just because the grass appears TEMPORARILY GREENER.

That grass is a fantasy. That what she misses is a feeling - that can be found once again with you - and that all it takes is just a little focus and recommittment. That true love evolves, changes, morphs, and grows, and that anything worth having takes work. So the two of you need to work.

Get to work.

Have the emotional needs questionnaire ready, in your hands, and have yours all filled out. Tell her you love her, and that you recognize that you have not met her needs the way you should have. Tell her you two need to talk more, about things like the future, dreams, the past, her ideal marriage, and her emotions.

But right now, her needs.

Print it off, and get to work. Your marriage demands it.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
schoolbus #2232863 03/23/09 07:31 PM
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Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doinf some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


dennislee #2232936 03/23/09 11:56 PM
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but I really feel that it's not like that. I trust her that she wasn't with this other man.

Yeah, that is why you are on an infidelity forum.

You are in BS fog. Much, much more dangerous and much harder to navigate out of then any WS fog.

Your M deserves and needs at least one member of the duo be grounded in reality.

Hopefully that's you.


Best of luck.


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
Cymanca #2232971 03/24/09 06:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Cymanca
Yeah, that is why you are on an infidelity forum.

In his defense, I sent him over here from Resolving Conflict because I knew you guys would have good advice for him.

But first he needs to admit that there is a problem. His first post was about a 'marriage in crisis', but he's been backpedaling, justifying, and denying ever since.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
dennislee #2233024 03/24/09 08:02 AM
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Dennis,

You can't really manipulate another human being. Don't buy into that, 'k? She can grow with you...in fact, most of her growth she can only do WITH you, her husband.

There are many ways we lie to ourselves. One of them is that what looks more intimate, respectful and loving, isn't. The very thing you want most, an intimate marriage, will be destroyed because you bought into self-deception. Don't do it.

The belief it's okay for her to have other loving experiences is a lie to yourself to thwart real intimacy...it's a self-image lie so you don't SEEM controlling, demanding, traditional. Really, it's fear of being the one partner, true intimate, of your wife.

You sound like bravery is key in your life...act brave now. See where the challenges of real intimacy are just too hard for her...she escapes instead of bravely goes into the new...old routines and patterns...and do so by looking at yours.

Hey, maybe marriage is just too hard for you guys. When you hold someone to their own vow, it's not controlling. It's loving. See the lie underneath and what's motivating it. Break through to a deeper level of intimacy...which is knowing and sharing your own stuff.

Read the articles, get the books...understand how radical honesty in you and your marriage changes everything. She has already betrayed you by being interested in another man outside her marriage and choosing to NOT protect the marriage by removing herself from him.

Muddies the mind with hormones and wishfulness...and it is an attack on the marriage--even if you don't feel attacked right now.

Welcome to MB...where we are friends of your marriage first.

LA

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Great post LA!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
Dealan-de #2234158 03/25/09 01:54 PM
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Bumping for Dennislee if the guy is still around...


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
krusht #2234161 03/25/09 01:57 PM
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I tried to edit this right after I sent it and it said that"edit time had expired" Uffda.

Edited to add " SOWADSUP??" How is it going? Have you and your wife come to an agreement?

Thanks,

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
krusht #2234224 03/25/09 03:14 PM
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Me thinks dennislee has taken up his "nomadic" ways again.

Good Luck,

All Blessings,
Jerry

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does nomadic = virtually homeless?

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I don't think Dennis found what he was looking for here, so he's gone off elsewhere to seek it.

I find it really sad when people have what they need, but ignore it to find what they want.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)

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