Ok...here goes. I'm learning to use all of the acronyms but want to get my story started, I need input and advice. Pls follow up if you have questions. I will be checking back often. Thank you!

I, the BS, am deployed with the military for the past 6 months. My WS, a SAHM, and I have been married 15 years and we have 4 children all teens and below. I was just the unlucky receiver of some devestating information, that she has been having a relationship with an OM for approximately 2 months, maybe a little more. I have been suspicious for approximately 2 months due to her lack of attention (emails, letter, packages, messenger contact) and secrecy about daily activities. I started keeping a better eye on things and was able to find a "Twitter" account she had signed up for and was posting to numerous times daily. I discovered she was having daily alcohol binges and I addressed that immediately, not typical behavior for her. She responded relatively angrily and wasn't happy that I had discovered the info. I also inquired about one of the men, the OM, that she spoke to alot. She insisted he was only a friend. I could go more into my discovery and the reasons I had suspicion but I would imagine this is rather typical.

3 days ago I was off work and was trying to talk to her on the messenger. She was taking awhile to respond so I asked her to turn on her camera, she refused which she had been doing lately often saying she didn't feel pretty and didnt want me to see her. I thought it curious that she didn't request to see my cam much anymore either. I asked her if she was talking to someone else on the messenger...denial. I asked her who all was on her friend list and she told me she would copy it and send it to me. She then said she couldnt figure out how to do it...hmmmm! I rememered I knew her login and password so I logged in. She knew immediately because it kicked her out. Well, the OM must have realized it too because as soon as I logged in I messaged him and he logged off! Coward! I suspect she warned him I was asking questions. It was the same guy I had asked about earlier!

Where we are now -

I confronted her immediately with the info and she admitted to having a relationship with him. She said they started just friends and "it just happened". Right! As usual I was blamed pretty heavily, and I do accept that I haven't been perfect. I have been deployed for 28 of the last 60 months and I have not been the example of attentiveness when at home.

At first she was very angry with me. I had already read some marriage builders material and knew that I had to request she cut it off completely. She was very reluctant claiiming that she wanted remain his friend, "he is very nice"...awwww, I'm so sad! /sarcasm. I said for us to reconcile she would have to send him a letter cutting it off and copy me. She has refused, thus far to do that. So a day later I sent him the email using her webmail, wrong or right, and this is what I said:

____________________________________________________
"It hurts me to do this but I have to cut off our relationship. My heart is *****'s[BS] and we have to work to put this thing back together. I love him with all of my heart and should never have let this go this far. Please don't contact me anymore, I need to do this to fix things with him. "

She responded to both of us with:

"Damn it *****[BS] STOP!!!!!! Sorry ***[OM].... just delete please...."
_______________________________________________

I figured she would either accept it as is and be mad, ultimately good for me, or respond. She responded.

As of tonight, and the last 36-48 hours, she has agreed to reconcile, cut off all contact and rebuild our marriage. I am skeptical that she is only doing this to appease me for fear that I may hurt myself or otherwise. She seems to be genuine but has admitted sadness at losing the other relationship. I am furious at that, while I know this is normal, I wish I could erase him from her memory!

I was able ,through stealthy ops, to obtain two twitter messages from the OM to my WS. One was solid proof of the relationship and upset me thoroughly! I am still steamed as I read it several times per day having been unable to delete it from my email. Ugh! Here it is:

"I love you so much to...Make my heart jump. I love it. :-)"

Oooooh that pisses me off!!! I feel a great burning desire to ask her what she said to him to make his "heart jump"!!! She obviously had just told him she loved him "so much". How did this happen to me and so quickly??? I am so angry and hurt over that! BTW...I did send the OM an email in response to this message and basically told him to back off my wife, in not so kind words. He has not chosen to respond. I sent this message to my WS on her cell phone so she knew I read it. She hasn't referenced it to me and I wonder if I she got it. Should I ask her. I'd like to know what she said, although I know it will hurt to hear it. I am really afraid to bring details up to her though my mind reels wanting to know. It is almost like self-torture, wanting to know, knowing it will hurt!

After reading the article about "Surviving an Affair" tonight I asked her to read it tomorrow. She agreed. I have encouraged her to read the "Basics" and other articles on Marriagebuilders.com too. I asked her tonight to send him an official letter to cut it off per the advice in the article, she said..."you already did that...that is enough, leave it alone". I told her I wanted it sent from her for real as she had indicated to him that it wasn't her and to delete it. She said, "He is respecting your request".. not to contact her. I, again, requested she send another using the format mentioned in the article. She said she will but we will have to talk about it tomorrow (bedtime).

For more background, the OM is a single man (to my knowledge, she told me) located about a few states away. She met him through some online activities. About a month ago an event was held in Washington DC (close to his home) organized by one of the sites she frequents. It was a politically oriented gathering. My children were with her and they stayed overnight in a hotel. I know now, through my oldest son, that the OM spent the day with them. My children were clueless and my WS and the OM were careful not to be obvious, apparently. I suspect that they met that evening however I have no proof of this. We had a fight that evening on the messenger. It was about my suspicions and the fact that I had just discovered her drinking problem...she obviously didn't want to talk to me about it and I was shocked at everything that was going on. She had become very cold in our communications.

Ok...I keep rambling. Currently I am very, very hurt. I have requested to leave my deployed location early due to family issues and have received a 2 week early release which puts me home in 2 weeks. I was also supposed to deploy to another location in July but have been able to cancel that, thank God! She seems very pleased that I did this. I have assured her that through what I am reading on marriagebuilders.com and this experience that I am making changes and will meet her needs. She seems pleased with this and is spending more time with me online and on the phone. Things are looking up but I know I am not out of the woods yet. I continue my stealthy ops as I obviously suspect the relationship is being nurtured in private. She was going somewhere alone the other day and I asked her to leave her cellphone at home, I think this may be how they are communicating to conceal it, but she refused saying, "I'm not living like that"...ie, with me being suspicious and what not I guess. Shouldn't she had just agreed, for me? Should I try to find out if they are talking/texting?

I didn't work it in elsewhere but she insists the affair was not sexual. I understand her insistance because I think she feels it may be her only hope for saving us, or she could be telling the truth. Should I continue to ask her to confirm this and try to prove her wrong or should I let that go and except her insistance? I don't trust her, obviously but I think if I indicate that it will anger her. I feel this may be a game changer for me...finding out they did have sex. Ugh!

As background we were married at a young age, I was 19 and she was 17. We had been together 3 years and had one child together. 10 years ago she left me after a period of my unattentiveness and arguing, I guess I never learn, she was only gone about a week but had a one night stand with a man she met in a bar while out with friends. She admitted this to me without my having any knowledge when she returned on her own. I took her back and reasoned it was only sex. She begged me to forgive her and was very repentant. We worked on things but I guess we didn't fix it completely!

That time she gave the OM sex, this time she gave him her heart (and maybe sex)...and that hurts deeply! Unfortunately, she has said she is sorry for doing this but doesn't seem very concerned about my pain which also hurts. If I act insecure or question things...she asks me to stop. This time is not going to be easy!

I have been insecure ever since this and obviously the first time and this doesn't help. I feel like a doormat. Although I know I didn't cause this I know I played a role. I think my only hope is to entrench myself in the Marriage Builder philosophy and pray she will do it with me! I know some will be shocked, but I still love her and want to make her happy!

Thanks for listening....questions???

BS (me) : 34yo WH: 32 yo married 15 yrs affair started Jan 09' daughters 10 yrs, 8 yrs sons 15 yrs, 13yrs

WH at the bottom should have been WW!

You guys were 19 and 17 when you got M.

I just wanted to say thank you for serving our country. You sir are a very good man who has my respect. I am sorry for what is happening to you. I have known a couple of marriages that ended because of deployment. It really is sad that it seems hard for people to remain faithful. I would not be too excited about forgiving this woman. The worst part of this story is having your kids around the OM when they met up.

She has had 2 affairs that you know of. Now maybe that is the extent of all of her affairs but you do not know for sure. I want you to keep this in mind. When things get tough she seems to find another guy.

What would happen if every time things got tough you went and slept with other women. Would that not effect the way you looked at your wife? Now you admit that you have not always been attentive to your wife. And yes that could contribute to problems in your marriage but the healthy way is for her to address them with you. She has a habit of sleeping with other guys and in her mind that does get your attention.

If you are not around living with her and she has a habit of doing this then well I don't have a lot of hope for you. I see a lot of pain in your life. I can tell in your post you love her but women will destroy a man who loves them if he gets in the way of her happiness with another man.

I can tell by your post she has no fear of losing you over this. So I have to wonder why should she stop cheating? I guess I would say you have a lot of work ahead and some tough decisions. Even if you get past this you will more than likely be back on a site someday talking about her latest affair.

I would have exposed her affair by now to everyone and anyone who can help stop the affair. Have someone keep an eye on her. Do whatever it takes to stop it and do not have sex with your wife until she goes in and gets tested for STD's.

So what do you want out of your life and marriage? Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. I just want to end by saying thank you again for what you have done for your country. To me you are a real hero.

Yes, we were 19/17 when we got married.

Thank you, IHadEnough, for your post. Although it's not what I was hoping to hear! Your welcome for serving and thanks for the kind words. It means alot. I appreciate it.

Yes, the kids being around the OM really upsets me. She has alot of courage to go that far. I don't understand it really. Today, my son who is doing snoooping for me found another message from her to him. It was her lame attempt at cutting it off with him...here it is:

"I’m sorry……..I love you but I gotta go……. Can you tell everyone I said goodbye? See ya on the other side baby…. hehehe"

When I read this I thought, "this isn't going to work". She is walking all over me! But something inside me won't let go. I confronted her with the message. She sent it right after she realized I nailed her on her affair. I told her, "how am I supposed to reconcile with you when you gave him your eternity"? She told him she would see him in eternity! She was mad, obviously, that I brought this up. I know I am not supposed to keep bringing things up but how could I keep that inside? She swears to me she wants me, even swears it wasn't sexual...I want to believe her but I can't!

"She has a habit of sleeping with other guys and in her mind that does get your attention."

So should I blame myself? If she is just trying to get my attention then I should feel bad that I drove her to this shouldn't I? I do in a way...but I have needs she hasn't met over the years yet I have never strayed, not once! I tell her how I feel. She is not the feeling, talkative type. She keeps alot bottled up and blows up when it becomes too much. I have begged her to be more transparent but she refuses. I know she has alot of repressed anger and hurt from her childhood but why can't I break through to her?

If I slept with another woman I would feel so bad about it that I would tell her immediately and beg for her forgiveness. I only want my marriage and I don't see that happening. It's strange but I don't desire to get revenge? The first one, I very much wanted to but resisted.

As far as being destroyed by her...I do fear that she only seeks to reconcile to clear her mind that it really won't work and she will bolt the first time we have an argument. The only positive side to that is I will be home in 2 weeks and can keep the children with me. I do fear this.

Your statement about her having no fear of losing me hit home. I have felt this way for years. I feel I have to beg to keep her with me but if I left she would just go on with her life, no big deal. I may be mischaracterizing her feelings, remember she doesn't share them effectively and I often have to drag approval out of her.

The affair appears to be over. I and my son are keeping tabs on her every move. I check the cell phone bill, email, twitter pages, etc. The only way they could be communicating is if she signed up for an account I do not know about. There is no evidence of further contact since the email she sent cutting it off....while stroking his ego at the same time and killing mine!

I want her to be happy and content. I want to be confident in my marriage and I haven't been for sometime now, understandably. We need counseling but I have only recently gotten her to somewhat agree to go...it will be tough to get her to open up with anyone. I feel so stuck right now.


Thank you so much for your reply. It helped me to consider things I hadn't before. I am dead set on fixing this thing but wonder if I am just spinning my wheels. Please pray for my family!

To make matters worse today, she had been telling me all week she would read the Marriage Builder material I requested she read....weeks ago. She said Sunday would be a good day and she would devote some time to it. She didn't and when I expressed my frustration that she was not giving any priority to the things I feel are important she started to get upset. We had a good evening chatting on the messenger and viewing each others cams but I had to go ruin the moment by asking her if she had read the stuff.

I specifically requested she read the Coping with Infedility "The End". She didn't, again.I got another empty promise that she will tomorrow...another restless night of sleep for me, yeah!

I'm sorry you're going through this and the deployment angle doesn't help.

You an officer or enlisted?

Any option to get out?

I'm a former AF pilot. My exww ambushed me when I came home from a deployment with, "I want a divorce." She did it the day I came home and I was completely crushed and devastated and I made some HUGE mistakes because I suddenly found myself making huge decisions about my life and the kids under a horrible state of mind.

First of all, you must understand and accept that she's not herself in any way. You're not dealing with your wife but with someone who merely looks like her and who is an enemy to your marriage.

You must take some immediate steps which are prudent to take regardless of whether or not you want to save your marriage. Your rights as a father are at stake.

Your first step in all of this is to do something which will send your WW into a massive and major rage and will seem counterintuitive. I tell this to you as a man who wished he had done this properly 3 years ago and didn't.

You must expose the affair to anyone and everyone who has an influence on your WW and you must expose it to OM's parents. So, TODAY, contact your parents and tell them. Contact HER parents and tell them. Do not let your WW know you're going to do this. She will do a pre-emptive strike and tell everyone that you're mad and think there's an affair going on when there isn't.

It doesn't have to be anything full of gory details.

Also, the odds are super high that she's had a physical affair with this man. The fact that she met up with him when your kids were around indicates that they met for sure. Your kids were probably alone for part of that trip and she likely met up with him to do stuff then or at another time. Saying things like, "I love you" is HIGHLY unlikely if the affair was only emotional.

Exposure is super important and scary for you. You will fear her anger and think you've ruined any chance you had to save things or will sabotage your chances to save things. You couldn't be more wrong. The exposure puts pressure on the affair and lets OM know that not only is she married, but she's married to a man who isn't going to go down easy.

Expose to your kids. They already know, but bring out the fact that they know to your WW or let them openly show their distaste for what she's doing.

A word of caution, though. Be careful that your son's spying isn't seen as something you're pressuring him to do for you. The courts don't look to kindly on parents who involve the kids in these types of things. If anything, tell your son to back off and let you handle it.

You MUST, like NOW, separate your finances from her. I was cleaned out by my exww because I trusted her. Think about it. She's not really trustworthy right now, is she? You must do this to protect your finances from her and to force her to fund her own affair if that's what she wants to do and pursue.

She WILL clean you out. You won't be the first or last man that this happens to.

As far as her anger over your requests go: Don't let her guilt trip you over how you feel. She wants to sweep this under the rug and that's the worst thing you can do. When she gets all, "you have to ruin a good night or good conversation" (words I heard to) recognize it for what it is. It's blameshifting. She doesn’t want to think about what she's done to you.

Infidelity is amongst the worst things you can experience and the pain is excruciating. It's not something to sweep under the rug or apologize about.

So when you bring something up, and she responds with anger, then you simply stick to your guns.

SHE is the one that has to earn the right to earn your trust back, which means openness on her part and a willingness to acknowledge what she's inflicted on you.

Whenever she starts to rant against your faults as a husband cut her off. "I don't care what I've done as a husband or what justifications you choose to make over your adultery. There is no excuse for an affair."

Repeat it adnauseum. Own up to mistakes, but understand that a WW is going to pull out every single fault you have to justify her behavior. Mine pulled out stuff that was long dead and settled but made it sound like I did it yesterday. Understand that it's babble. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

You also need to understand that there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Doesn't exist.

But a WW will convince herself that she can amicably split from you to stay friends "for the kids" and that you and her will yuck it up and be happy and friendly with each other after she betrays you. It's a common delusion that WW'es have. Believe me when I tell you that your grief will turn to anger (as you go through the grieving stages) and the last thing you'll have with her is friendship.

She'll get angry when you suddenly show a backbone and teeth and let her understand that not only is she not going to just leave, but that she stands to lose custody of the kids in the process.

Which brings me to my next point and one I didn't grasp at the time when I was in your shoes. The only thing that WW'es respect and understand is hardball. That's it. That's all they respect. They don't like it, but they only respond to such things.

What do I mean? I was told this when I was in your shoes and found it to be repulsive advice but in 20/20 hindsight I understand how dead right it is: If your wife chooses the path of divorce, or you choose the path of divorce, then you must be merciless and relentless and go after her with every single weapon in your arsenal (legally speaking). No mercy. No compromise. No quarter given.

And remove one big thought from your head: Just because you're a man doesn't mean that you will lose custody in court. Men lose custody because they often give it to the woman.

You can win custody if you play your cards right and it takes preparation to do it. The fact that your kids are teens gives them a say in who they go with and from the sounds of it they don't really approve of your WW's actions so far. Not only that, but they would make OM and any future boyfriend's life a bit miserable.

There's no greater dose of reality for a WW than the cold shoulder of her children in addition to losing custody. Many of the men who have saved their marriages on this board are the ones who fought tooth and nail for custody. The WW'es often woke up when they realized that they weren't just going to walk away, get a fat check from the exH, and replace him with OM in the children's lives.

I know you're in shock. But remember that you're on a battlefield and one which you're emotionally involved in. If you can separate yourself from your emotions then you will be able to engage in this legal battlefield that is before you.

But you must ACT and do things which will upset your WW.

Her reactions are predictable to what will happen after you expose. She will say the following:

"I was going to give us a chance but you just ruined that!" (They ALL say this and you'll believe her at first. Trust us that this is normal.)
"I can't trust you!" (This is laughable in light of what she's done.)
"I never thought you would stoop so low!" (See above)
"Don't you want me to be happy?" (Rhetorical idiocy)
"You're trying to ruin my reputation!" (She did that herself by sleeping with another man. You're merely exposing the truth.)

So exposure is key and it is something you MUST, MUST, MUST do. I can't emphasize it enough and take it as advice from a man who has already fought this battle. Think of you in the AOR right now. Would you not trust the words and advice of a sergeant that's been in theater longer than you? Would you not tap that advice?

Best of luck.

I did start to expose it in her online chat group and she caught me...I backed down. A few ppl know but are skeptical because they think they know her. I'm sure she privately contacted them and explained it away.

She is going to win, I can't do it. You are right, she is sweeping it under the rug and I can't bring myself to make any more of it for fear of losing her completely......ugh!

How do I pin her down on the physical part...she is adamant and I have no evidence but I tend to believe you that the lovey dovey talk requires more than just an emotional affair....or does it?

Here's what you need to do:

You'll be home in 2 weeks. Get yourself a program called a keylogger.

You're going to have to disable the anti-virus on your computer.

You'll then be able to get her passwords to all her accounts and/or see the messages she writes other men.

You should, if you haven't already, be looking at her cell phone activity.

Now, this is CRITICAL:

Don't reveal that you're gathering intel. You're a military man. Imagine if the Brits had revealed to the Germans that they were reading their encrypted radio transmissions.

Wouldn't have been too useful, would it?

Dealing with a WW is a bit of a mind game and you're screwing up one massive and major step that you must take. Exposure is key.

Without it you'll be floundering alone without support.

I don't doubt that it's scary.

Now, don't let her dismiss her emotional affair. That's as bad if not worse, especially with women, because of the romantic notions involved.

How can you find evidence of physical affair?

Check your bills. Check your credit card statements. Hire a PI.

Find out who the OM is. Confront him.

I was able to get the name and number of all the guys my ex went out with. I called the one that looked like it got physical. I very calmly talked to him and simply told him that I was her husband and was looking to find out the truth.

He fessed up to everything.

So I then had his confession.

Another way to get the WW to confess is to gather evidence and slowly trickle out the truth. For example, say that you know she's out at OM's house because of an email.

When she comes back you say, "How was OM's house?"

She'll respond with, "I told you I was shopping."

"Really? Because Joe Schmoe saw your car at OM's house."

You may have learned the truth through emails or by driving there yourself, but she doesn't have to know that.

You catch her in lies like this all the time. Take a piece of info you know about, confront her about it, then tell her the truth about what you really know. After a few of these, she'll think you know more than what you do and will fess up to more than you can imagine.

Remember what I said: Do NOT apologize for feeling betrayed or for not wanting her to sweep this under the rug.

I've outlined for you what you need to do.

Read the situation for other men on this board and see the results of exposure yourself.

Zenwolf is a good example. He exposed to everyone and his WW is back and wanting to fix things.

But the biggest thing is to prepare yourself for being outwardly cool while being inwardly emotionally crushed. IT sucks. I've been there and it is super hard to do.

RE-read my post to you from before. All my advice still applies and it works. Trust me. I've been on these boards 3 years and am telling you to do all the things I wish I had done 3 years ago.

Hardball is the ONLY way to deal with a WW.

A-MEN to that... Know that there will be dark days ahead but have a plan thought out and that will help you stay the course...

I half to agree that an emotional affair can be just as bad as a physical one.... and form what you have posted I beleave she has done both...

Google key-logger and read up on them before you get home ...they work great...if she is using a desk top there is an external type that you just plug into the line of the key-board
laptops use a software that you have to install...

you can access your cell phone acccount on line and that updates daily.... so you can see who she calls....texting isn't as easy to follow I don't have an answer for that one....

And if you haven't yet get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it.... It has sure helped me....

You can and will survive this...I know it SUCKS !!!!! Put that good mind of yours in gear and get you act together so you can face it your WW with a loving but FIRM plan

Thanks so much for the replies and help guys. I am contemplating what you say carefully. As of tonight this is where we stand...she wants to be with me but says she is afraid of hurting me again (I know, smokescreen) and that she will never be able to please me. She said she isn't leaving but is confused and her head is spinning. From my research, the OM has had no contact. I think he may be a little scared right now. I may have had something to do with that.

We have had issues in the past about her feeling like I don't accept her for who she is. I admit I have my complaints but that works both ways. Unfortunately she is refusing to read any Marriage Builder material. She said she thinks it will turn into a game we use against each other. I wish I could just post my yahoo im's here and stop trying to describe it. I really think she needs professional help to deal with her self-esteem and I would love to see a marriage counselor. At this point, she is refusing any help...even self-help and says her condition is beyond help.

I have been begging for her to just give it a chance to work and to at least try. She said she is not sure what she is going to do but at the same time says she is not planning on leaving. This is really confusing me. I hate feeling this way...

I plan to call/email a couple of our friends today. Currently, family are not in the picture and it would not be helpful to talk to them about this. I will be definitely looking into the keyloggers.

I do check her cell...and questioned her about the 380 texts over the past 3 weeks...said most of them were me but some were him. Most of it was before I discovered things. I ordered a copy of "Surviving an Affair" and "Fall In Love, Stay In Love"...not sure if I will need that one or not.

Again, thanks.

On second thought, I should have withheld from her that I was checking the bill...crap!

Yep!

To know more about your options...

Officer or Enlisted
Time in service
Future plans with military

Thanks for your service!

-JKT

GH,

Fear is your greatest enemy. There comes a time when you have to quit asking and you must LEAD her.

You really have to tell her:

"We're in trouble. You say you want to save the marriage, yet you're not willing to do what needs to be done. If we're going to save this marriage then we're not going to wing it and flail around on our own but we're going to get professional help."

Get her to agree to a marriage counselor of your choice and find one that is pro-marriage. Believe me, many of them suck and the military one I had when I got back from deployment was, in hindsight, absolutely awful. He advised me to go along with my WW's desires and that it was all a weird game to her and that she'd likely want me back after a little while if I just played the game by her rules.

Total utter crap and stupidity. I did the appeasement thing and it got me nowhere. Just as appeasement hasn't worked with North Korea or Iran, it doesn't work with WWes.

DO NOT expose your sources of intel. Keep them quiet. You said that the texts have "mostly" stopped. They need to stop completely.

And do not let her get away with setting your pain and her betrayal aside. It's a monster betrayal and she's very wrong to make you feel bad for you wanting to talk about things.

Have you talked to OM? You should. And get the truth from him. My WW told her men that she was divorcing, which wasn't true.

So these guys went out with her, thinking she was available.

DO NOT RESPOND TO WW WITH FEAR! I can't emphasize this enough. Hardball and firmness is all they respect. I'm not telling you to be an a$$. Think James Bond and Bruce Lee. They were strong and firm without being a$$es. THAT is what you need to strive for.

Emulate them.

I was a whimpy, whiny, crying, on my knees begging, wreck. Don't be that guy because there is no respect for him.

I look back in shame at that man and shake my head.

NC is important for recovery and the requirement that SHE be the one to contact OM and tell him that there is to be no contact for life is there and important and must be done for you.

You need to understand and accept that she's the one that has scr3wed up. She's the one that needs to be asking for forgiveness and begging and showing you a willingness to do anything to save your marriage. The only way to get her to that point is to play hardball and have her realize that she can't bully you or give you smokescreens or shut you up.

Again, it's not by acting like an a$$. It's by acting like a cool man who is under control and knows exactly what needs to be done.

What kind of officer would you rather follow into combat. The one who shows fear or the one who exudes confidence? Same rules apply here.

All officers going into combat are afraid. The good ones don't show it, though.

Quiet determination should be your goal.

That was the best advice I got when I went through what you're going through and I didn't follow it. But the few times I did it worked.

"Be cool" was the best thing I was told and it's advice I'm passing on to you.

Think of her as a child or a teenager that needs to get straightened out and guided with a stern hand but with loving care. WWes are that way. (So are WHes, but that doesn't apply to you).

Get Surviving an Affair. Don't let her tell you that it wasn't an affair because it wasn't physical. It absolutely was cheating and there is no such thing as harmless flirting. I got that garbage fed to me by my exww and I wanted to believe her until I uncovered the truth and saw her messages.

Don't buy the lies that it wasn't physical. It's a flat out lie.

Look at other threads about men like you. They're all told it's "just a friend" at first. It then evolves to "harmless" flirting. It then goes to "it was just one time" and so on and so on.

They cover their butt. You need full disclosure and the full truth about the affair.

I also advise you to strongly consider getting out and joining the reserves, if that's possible for you. Just chew on that possibility.

Man that Baron speaks well.... I couldn't agree more..... Of course the reserves could deploy you just as fast these days if your not careful what unit you join....

I think it's great that you two are comunicating , try to avoid any love busting.....

You are in this for the long haul and it will not be fixed in a day, It will take time.... don't forget that..

I love that line from Galaxey Quest....Never give up !!! Never surrender!!!!!

I understand his pain, which is why I want to help. You have the advantage of knowing what you're coming home to. I didn't find out the full truth until a week after I got home and I suffered the emtotional devastation of being told "I want a divorce" the day I stepped off the jet.

Understand that I'm not a "save a marriage at all costs" kind of poster. I'm also not a "kick her to the curb at your first chance" either. I try to look at the situation and see if it warrants saving.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this. It sucks. You need to be James Bond right now yet you feel like utter goop and are scared to death on the inside.

I'll tell you now that the most important thing for me is to make sure that your rights as a father are secure. NOTHING is more important to me.

But to save your marriage you must do things that are counterintuitive and that WILL tick off your WW. There's no way of doing this without ticking her off. That means exposure.

I wish I had done many things with my exww's myspace account when I had the chance. I would have removed her picture, replaced it with one of the family she was attempting to destroy and put a giant headline there saying "I'm a married woman!"

I would have announced to all of her "friends" that she was married and that they need to buzz off if they weren't supportive of the attempt to save the marriage.

Would she have been ticked? Absolutely.

Would contacting all her family and friends to expose the affair have ticked her off? You bet.

I would Plan A her while at the same time be consulting a lawyer to find out my rights and make sure I was prepared for the worst.

If she didn't defog her brain quickly I would have isolated her financially (which you should do), and kicked her to the curb with some cash in her hand and a taxicab to take her to wherever she wanted to go.

I didn't draw lines of respect and she stomped all over me because of it. She made me feel bad that I would get upset over wanting to talk about her cheating.

She filled me with hopes that we could be together again by going on dates with me and constantly telling me that there was hope if I followed her advice.

If I did anything which contradicted her vision of what she wanted to do I would cower and back away.

This IS NOT what you want to do.

I honestly don't know if I would want to save my marriage now that I look back 3 years on and see what I would have ended up being married to. I would have been married to a woman who cheated on me, with that fact constantly in the back of my mind.

Finally, don't fall for the lines that "this is just friendship" or "it's just harmless flirting".

It's not at all. I was told that I was a nut for believing that there was more going on than there was and that I could dig and dig and search and wouldn't find anything if I did.

Well, I wasn't an idiot. I could sense a messed up situation and used the keylogger to confirm my worst fears. I discovered suspicious looking messages written by other men to her and had confirmation that she had been on dates.

One of those dates got physical.

Soooooo. If you get home and use a keylogger and discover things follow this golden rule:

BE QUIET!

Hold your cards to your chest. Act like all is good.

Then come here for advice. I'm even willing to give you my number if you want it if you want quick advice on what to do.

I very much wish I had stayed quiet when I discovered that she cheated.

Why?

Because I would have printed out hard copies of all her messages to other men. I would have taken screen shots for their use in court. I would have gathered my evidence and tucked it away in a safe place.

THEN, after doing all that, I would have confronted her in a way that would have gotten her to confess and would have done it with the skill of a trained interrogator (I've been through SERE training).

Just keep your head about you. Make no rash movements or decisions and most importantly: CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS!

Be Mr. Spock.

My buddy calls it getting your war-chest together...

I've got panties,phone records and video put away if it comes to it....

I'm lucky that my kids are grown, I know that makes a big difference for me...But you've got to get everything you can and don't tell her about it...

Knowledge is power and the more you know the better you will be... You know you may find out that she is tell the truth...

But if she's not you'll need everything you can get.....

Another think you should do is get a digital voice recorder that self activates, battery powered it will not be very expensive and mount it in your wife's car under the dash... If she has a hid cell phone or just talking on the one you know of it will give you atleast her side of the conversation.....

That can be very inlighting.....

Oh yah.... Welcome Home.....


will be here...