Not sure of those that may remember me.. I was an advid poster from D-day 9/11-9/15 and the month thereafter. I discovered the pictures on the cell phone, confronted WH, he broke the phone and I took the pieces to work, mcguyvered it together and discovered the texts and other pictures. Full Blown exposure.. WH ended up losing his job and so did the OW.. So we've been rebuilding and things are going somewhat well. The problem I have is that lately being that he is still jobless, I'm getting that feeling again. Installed the Keylogger, checking his cell phone, his e-mail accounts, etc... and I have found nothing.. So why am I disappointed? I'm seeing that we're starting to get into that rut. While we have been actively going out more often, I'm just not 'feeling' it.

Why is this?

How long have you been married? Was WH ever unfaithful prior to the time you refer to?

If your WH has been unemployed since last fall, his ego must be in the pits. In this economy, getting another job has probably been difficult. Has he actively sought other employment? You say that you've been "actively going out more often," but my very recent experience with recovery tells me that it is not the going out that revives us but our alone time where we can really connect on a deep emotional level. Don't get me wrong--getting out of the regular routine is wonderful for a great change of pace; but nothing can compare to the one-on-one at home--at least in my case.

Goldenyears,
Thanks for the response. We've been married 4 years, together 8.
We are a 'blended' family with a his, mine and ours 20yrs, 16yrs, 13 yrs, and our lovely ours 3.

I do think that being without a job maybe a factor. He is actively searching and spends half his day sending out resumes and such. I guess my thinking is, if that were me, I'd be thankful that I'm being kept around and not kicked to the curb. I mean he cheated on me, then loses his job because of it, which has put us in such a financial state and I let him stay?

I know, that is the venting in me. But, again, the problem is the distancing that I'm seeing and maybe it is similar to when he was unfaithful, but now its due to the lack of job.

Its been only about 6 months since d-day and maybe I'm having those rebound resentment feelings.

As far as going out, I emphasize that since we had the baby, we had put ourselves on the back burner and never went out, ourselves. We are home ALL the time, but alone, rarely.

I know its an ongoing work in progress and maybe I'm just having a hard time letting my guard down.

Hopefully he'll find a job soon and that will lift his spirits.

nthefogg,
As you can tell from my signature line info, my recovery has not also involved dealing with children at home. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you try to recover. There are some veterans on MB who can surely come to your aid with how they managed or are managing recovery with such a full plate. When I find that my FWH seems to be in the depths of depression with guilt, that is when my nuturing mode kicks in. I find that trying to give him some guidance and hope does the same for me. Bless you!

nthefogg, what is your plan of recovery? Are you doing anything to recover the marriage? Many people just flounder along in a damaged state thinking that ending the affair will resolve the problem. But ending the affair is just the beginning of recovery.

Do you have a plan?

If it's been 6 months, it's natural to feel anger and resentment now that the wild emotions of dday and exposure have settled some. Do you think WH resents you for his job loss? Was has his attitude been about the exposure and job? Is he repentant?

Melody,

We have been trying Harley methods. WH is not a big reader. Never was. We did the EN's questionnaire, No LB's, Boundaries have been clearly set. We have been doing the 15 hrs a week. I mean, we're back to the 'best friends' and everything but I'm feeling a void lately and I'm not sure what it is. Communicating his feelings is probably the hardest barrier I'm facing with. Me, I'm an open book. He is more like a morse code that you cannot break!

nfogg, as long as you are taking the right steps, then recovery is likely to follow. You are in the first year and it takes much longer than that to pull out of this. I don't think we saw daylight until the 2nd year. In fact, the 8-9 month phase was my very worst time. After that, things seemed to get better.

Another thought is to get some phone counseling from Steve or Jennifer and let them assess your situation and make sure you are going in the right direction.

WH knew he was going to have to leave his job. I just think it was a shock the way it happened so suddenly (I guess my phone call to HR worked) In any event, he was not angry with me at all. I think he was somewhat relieved. We were getting by in the beginning but as time has gone by and the little $$ unemployment we get, we are now having a hard time paying bills and I think that concerns him. Plus the fact that the boat he loves soooo much will probably have to remain on land since we can't afford the slip fee. I think knowing he won't be able to spend the our summer weekends on the boat bothers him.

nthefrog,

You said

Let's see if I understand all of the facts here.

1. He cheats on you and is caught.

2. He wants to remain married to you and thus ends the A.

3. He loses his job because of the A.

4. He cannot find new employment after 6 months??

5. The family is in hard financial times because he is not working?

Have I got it about right?

Ok, let me make a few assumptions and then let's talk.

a. He was man that had some pride in himself deserved or otherwise.

b. He probably felt like most of us do, that our job is to support the family.

c. He would have probably told you, others and himself that he was a man of honor.

d. He was probably aware of his vows and what they meant, although he violated them.


So I'm thinkin he isn't too high on himself right now. I'm thinkin he in fact does not see much value in himself right now.

I'm thinkin he is depressed and very discouraged.

I'm thinkin he KNOWS he brought this on himself and has now where to turn and really no one to talk to because it is after HIS FAULT.

I'm also thinkin that eventually he may be vulnerable again, unless his view of himself and his value to the family improves.

Now if the stuff "I'm thinkin" has any merit, you need a plan, actually you both need a plan, and yes it is a recovery plan. People don't seem to realize that for recovery to really happen both parties must recover their sense of dignity, respect, and value. You are not recovered simply because the affair ends and neither has an affair ever again. At least not on this board. You are recovered when you are both in a marriage that you value. Now it has only been 6 months and the time line for recovery is measured in years. But a plan is needed.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: When you are "thinkin" about it, would you want to be in your H's shoes right now? I sure would not.