What to do - my FWH (I hope) has come out with more facts - OW is in pitiful financial shape, living with a sibling with her son. found out my husband actually co-signed a loan for a car 3 years ago with her because no one else would. (Hmmmm - there must be a reason for that - the car ended up being a lemon that the dealer took back) Anyway, he still sees her as this "person with potential that can't get a break" where I see someone that uses other people to get what she can't for herself! The gist is that he still feels sorry for her and I'm thinking that's a recipe for breaking the NC. Sometimes I feel like my ability to look after myself and solve problems pushed him toward her (not into an A, but in that direction) Advice anyone?

He can feel sorry for her all he wants, but if he wants to have a snowball's chance in hell for having his marriage to you survive, he has to have zero contact with her for life.

I'd be worried. Wayward thinking makes H a WH. OW can't take care of herself and WH wants to save her....poor, poor OW needs me. *sniff sniff* I understand what you mean about 'pushing him towards her'. I can take care of myself and solve problems without help from my H. A pitiful OW lets a WH feel needed and like a knight in shining armour (thought it's tarnished and covered in crap lol) Do you respect your WH with this mentality?

it's hard...previously I always respected the fact that he was generous and kind...obviously I never expected it to come to an A. We're just about three weeks in recovery - not everything has been told I'm sure. I'm just confused - I do need him - just not to solve all my non-marriage problems or to get a loan, etc. He was geniunely shocked when I told him she was just using him - honestly don't think that occured to him until I pointed it out. I just said "she never calls when things are going good, does she?" the look on his face told me he's beginning to understand he's beed duped

A FWH dedicated to the recovery of his marriage should not be defending the OW in this way!!!

There is more to be known here. Find out as soon as possible by confrontation or by snooping.

WH does want to admit that OW is a user or POS because he will have to admit the same about himself. Keep speaking the truth...perhaps his head with be dislodged from his butt sooner rather than later. I don't he is shocked as much as he doesn't want to see just how pathetic he was/is to have given the skank the time of day. Being kind is one thing...being stupid is another. Until WH can see the difference between the two he's still wayward. Be careful.

Maybe I'm being naive, but I think he's defending his own actions more than hers now....still only admits to an EA, swears it was never a PA - very hard for me to believe considering the lenght of time they were involved. Will be away a couple of weeks from now with daughters - have a PI to watch - I figure if he's going to stray again, he'll do it then

what's a POS?

Piece of poop. The "S" is another word for poop.

ha-ha okay - I was thinking it was a MB inital! Ha - I needed a laugh!

My WH felt sorry for OW, I really think she played into it. What I´ve been doing about that is to confront his misconceptions, point out where she is capable, and how she has been manipulating him, or pull it out of him so he states the contradictions himself and has to confront them. I think it´s working ...

wow - you sound very similar
BS (me) 42
F?WH 44
M 17y tg 18
2 DD's 13 & 8
D-day #1 - Aug 2007, #2 April 08, #3 March 3, 09
NC march 5, 2009

OW is beyond pathetic - 2 year old illegitimate kid, no job, no high school diploma, nothing going for her other than a pair of you-know-whats....don't know if that makes it easier or harder

My FWH felt sorry for his FOW as well. And i feel the same way that i did not "need" my H to do things for me, i am a very independent person.

I sometimes wonder if that helped "push" him into the A as well. Not that i am trying to take the blame as he is the one who had the A, just my part in the M.

And i too still think he has these thoughts about the FOW, that she is this innocent little creature who needed his help, not that she is the "white trash ho" that she really is, i mean there are so many things that i have pointed out to him that she LIED to him about but still he does not say anything bad about her.

I think it would make him have to face the fact the he was "duped" and he doesn't want to do that maybe......

I recently lived through the same situation. I believed everything he told me--it was just a close friendship--yes, we spent too much time talking--there was never sex!!! As much as I wanted to believe my WH, I kept digging because it did not make sense that he could have been so involved emotionally with someone for so long a period of time. The truth finally came out. He was lying to keep me from finding out the full ugly truth. Your WH is lying about the PA.

HOW DO YOU GET THEM TO ADMIT TO A PA IF THEY DON'T WANT TO....we've really been communicating well, but that is the bone that is stuck in my throat - I don't know why I want him to admit to a PA, maybe I'll be able to move on a little better - how long are most plan A's?

I would not ask or argue with him about his A being a EA vs a PA. I would clearly state that you KNOW it was a PA and the fact that he still denies it and continues the charade reduces your chances of recovery. Have you exposed his A? How long has NC been in place? Are you willing to continue the M if he never admits to the PA? Sorry, but I don't believe for one second WH has a 4 yr A and is signing car loans for OW and there is no sex involved. No fricking way.

have not fully exposed....I know, I know, but it seems counterproductive to me in many ways. I have talked to members of my family, he's told his we are having problems, trying to work out, he's at fault, etc. but has not told details. We've also spoken to our oldest daughter (13) but not the younger (8). NC has been in place since March 5. It's not that I'm willing or unwilling to continue the marriage, just don't know if I can move totally forward until I know the full truth! Yes, it's too unbelievable to think he was associated with her for that long, that deep and it wasn't physical.

Not exposing may be a big mistake especially since you WH is so weak and blind about OW. My H had an EA/PA about 10 yrs ago. No sex, but kissing did occur. I regret everyday that I didn't expose back then. Nothing is certain, but I think it could have spared us a lot of pain had he felt the weight of the consequences for his behavior back then. Why is making him face the music for his bad behavior counterproductive? You are enabling him to keep his secrets.

I may get 2x4ed for this one but since NC (assuming there really is NC)is only a couple weeks old I would confront OW. Don't tell WH. Just call her up and throw some bait her way. She will probably be more than happy to throw WH under the bus and give you specifics that he can't spin. But you have to be clever about it. OW is a liar afterall.

My H denied, denied, and down played everything until I had the ammo to blast him.

confronting the OW is not really an option. She LOVES to talk to me - she was the one that called and told me what a horrible wife I was being to my husband on the first d-day - she gets off on telling me things and upsetting me. (Seems to be part of the pleasure of the whole deal for her) I'm just holding out hope that whe I'm gone two weeks from now, the PI can tell me something (or not) definitively. I'm hoping the NC sticks, but I'm not going to lie to myself any more. I know these things take time to heal, get better, resolve, etc. but the days are crawling by and sometimes I feel CRAZY