So we aren't divorced, though it still comes up on a very regular basis, but what are the thoughts on this...

Yesterday DD talks about a person, a story about preschool...sound kinda weird...

then in the middle of the night when DH comes home dd wakes me up as she wet the bed. DH is in changing her sheets, I help dd in the bathroom...then I ask dh "who is so and so?" He proceeds to sit on the bed and go over all the people he knows with that name- can be male or female, but more likely female- I say it was about preschool, he gets defensive and I drop it. He says my tone of voice was accusatory.

A little while later he comes to bed, wakes me up and says, "W***e, why aren't you doing (disgusting sexual favors)?" I talk about the reasons why and then tell him that waking me up like that in the middle of the night is abusive. He then tells me we should D if I feel that way. I just completely drop it- but of course, don't sleep well the rest of the night.

This morning as we're getting ready I ask dd one more question about the person and she says, "stop asking me!"

This morning I call him, he is extremely mad at me, I try to explain that I wasnt' trying to start a fight last night, he gets mad, calls me a liar and swears at me and then hangs up. I call his cell and leave a message to the effect of how I always knew the story happened at preschool and was more interested in the spider aspect of it, but now the way he's acting is funny.

That just happened- the message I left. Two phrases are going through my mind- that he "protesteth too much," and that the best defense is a good offense.

Don't know what to do to spy, I have access to all the cell records but honestly he hardly uses it. Can't do the computer as it's password protected (for each user) and he's the administratior so no key logging....he has my password but I dont' have his.

am I paranoid?

okay, no edit, but let me just say that he really focused on the person I was asking about it and denying it...honestly, I didn't think I was accusatory and dropped it quickly, but he just kept on about it....that is what was so weird...

i would buy a voice activated recorder from best buy and hide it in his car. also, in order to check the computer, just find some program you want to install (say iTunes or Rhapsody or even adobe acrobat reader or the new adobe flash). When he is not around, call him and tell him you need the password to upgrade/install xyz program. make sure you have a good backstory so it sounds legit (i.e. if you are installing iTunes, you better have an iPod, for rhapsody, you can say that some friend told you to try it out, for adobe flash, you need to find a website that uses the new flash). i would check the cell phone bill and see who he has been texting and calling.

ALWAYS trust your gut. If something doesn't feel right there is a reason. Start quietly spying. Say nothing. When you find out what the problem, and you will, don't tell him how you found out (my biggest sin). You will need to continue spying for a long time so don't give up your techniques. Here are a couple of starting points:
1. digital voice recorder in car under seat, voice activated
2. cell phone sim card reader
3. webwatcher weblogger (you may not need to be the administrator)
4. gps phone place in car with sound off
5. private investigator
6. randomly showing up where he is

These are just a few that come to mind. I found out about my husbands affair the first day that I put the voice recorder in his car. Be prepared though to hear candid conversations. I will hear my husband flirting after a hotel romp with OW forever.

he's furious with me- "how can you accuse me of something YOU did, you w***e?" Has now hung up on me again and turned off his phone.

he just sounds so defensive, and honestly, I was half asleep and not really "into" the conversation. If he'd just dropped it I wouldnt' be thinking any of this.

He is with our two small kids every day- I have all access to cell phones, he hardly uses it.....never texts.

How do I appease him now? I really dont' want a divorce over this...unless I find something, then I just dont' know.

I have a knot in my stomach.....

Stop accusing him. WS almost never admit guilt until you catch them red-handed. He is being defensive because he is guilty!! Start spying QUIETLY. Drop the subject. He is trying to get you to back down and let it go. My WS did the same stuff when he was having an affair. He denied everything and told me that I was crazy right up until I busted him. Go about your business and try to meet his needs without any accusations or fighting. YOU must find out what is going on. He is not going to tell you. Go buy a digital voice recorder now.

I'm more concerned why he feels justified to call you a W***re.

What kind of recovery is that? Do you feel in your heart that this is the wrong road?

If his activaties are anything like his obvious disrespect for you as his wife, you have a long road ahead of you.

Good Luck,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Its been 3 years of this. Why haven't you divorced him? It is abuse at this point. I am sorry but based on the sex favors he is asking you for, he wants to degrade and defile you. You need to end this. If you have a good job get an apartment.

i get the impression he has been using you while seeking a RA. He is probably involved in one now, just to punish you. i agree with ouch. you made a mistake and are trying to make it right, but i don't think you can ever make it right. cut your losses.

Something's not right!! You are 3 years out from DDay and he's still calling you a whor* when he's mad at you?

so now he's divorcing and moving out of state, and all I feel is relief. Sad or our two very little ones who love him, but they'll survive...I can't make him want to recover, I can't make him stop the verbal and emotional abuse.

I know I'm okay because I really just don't care. All the other times I've begged him to stay. Not this time, I"m more worried that he won't. We will all breathe a big sigh of relief, I think, even though it's of course going to be a financial struggle, but it's no picnic with him either!

I have tried so hard, though his take on it is that I never did what he needed.....

but at what point does what he want count as a way to recover? Keep in mind, what he wants is nowhere near MB.....not even in the same galaxy.

Our whole marriage, well before my horrible mistake, was all about what he could or would take away from me if I didn't do what he wants. So now, I just don't care, I can do it all myself.

Have you checked with an attorney to protect yourself and your kids financially? I very much doubt that he will actually leave - there is something very sick in the way he is treating you.

luckily, everything has been separate our whole marriage, so no problems there. I will probably get more out of him in court ordered child support than I ever got before.

Someone give me some feedback on small- under 5- children and how best to handle this with them? They are very much daddy's kids right now.....esp the older one...

There is no easy way to help kids understand why daddy and mommy don't want to live together. It will take years of consistency. They are just too little to understand. Good news is, they will understand when they get older if you consistently show them love and don't bash their dad. Even if he bashes you, kids make up their own minds when they become older teens. My kids were 6 and 8 when I divorced their dad. It took a long time but they are well-adjusted and okay now (they are 18 and 20 now). There dad did a lot of damage with hurtful things that he said but they saw the truth over time.

honestly, he will probably not see them at all, even if he stays here- or so he says. and that is what hurts most of all. why be with such a crappy person? why take his anger at me out on the children? but they won't understand.....

And believer, even if he doesnt' leave, I've left. Even if not physically, I am not dealing with this anymore. He can't hurt me if I don't want what he has, and I really don't.