I never thought I would have anything to do with an infidelity forum. I always thought if it ever happened to me I would instantly kick them to the curb and move on. But here I am.
I found out about a month ago that my wife of 19yrs was having a PA with a married man that she met on a website used for that purpose. I was shocked, but I knew something was up or I wouldn't have snooped around and found out. Instead of the anger I would have expected, all I wanted was to make it work. I felt numb. I told her to call him and end it immediately, which she did. He said he didn't want to risk losing his marraige. I also told her to move out until she can "fix" whatever was wrong with her to make her do this. She stayed in a hotel for a few days and then moved to her own place about 2 weeks ago. We would still see each other a fair amount and we would text on the phone for hours at night. Some good some not. We started seeing a marraige coundelor within a week. She said the PA was going on since November. I asked if she loved him and she emphatically said NO.I think thay only saw each other for sex, and it was when I was at work. Always in hotel rooms, thats how I found out. I believe in my hearty that the PA is over. We bioth say that we want to work things out and stay together. But we need to make changes to ourselves so we dont fall into the same routine that made this possible. Yesterday the counselor said we need to give each other space and not see each other as much so we can work on ourselves. I miss her terribly. But part of me wonders if I can ever really get past the whole thing. I hate being in a holding pattern. I keep gonig back and forth between wanting to make this work and just throwing in the towel and moving on. Shouldn't I want better for myself.

Me: 41 BS
Her: 39 WS
2 kids
18, 17

Alone,

I am so sorry that you are here and find yourself in this situation. It is horrible, and according to many, an A is the most devestating event in many people's lives. It certainly has been for me and my FWH as well.

Read, read, read here. Get the book "Surviving an Affair" and read it. I am not really a vet here - D-day plus 11 mos and still working through many issues. But I think a vet will show up soon with advice. There are many on this forum who have really good, practical advice.

IMO, a counselor that says "to give each other space, work on yourselves" is no friend to the marriage. I don't see how it is possible to work on the marriage when you are apart and Dr. Harley of MB recommends a minimum of 15 hours per week meeting each other's most important emotional needs - how can it be possible to do this when apart?

As far as deciding what you want, that of course is up to you. Maybe some people know right away that they want to throw in the towel, but if you are undecided and have a long and good history together and children, maybe you might want to postpone that decision. For myself, I decided to give the M my best effort. It certainly is not easy, but I think it is definitely worthwhile.

My best wishes.

AM

Welcome. First I suggest that you dump the counselor. Most counselors don't know anything about infidelity and you will end up divorced. "Space" is not what you need right now. Ask your wife to move home.

Next, inform the other man's wife about the affair. Then she will have the truth of her life and can watch things from her end.

See if your wife will write him a no contact letter, which you approve and send. It should say the affair was a mistake, disrespectful to her husband, and she wants no contact ever again for any reason.

It also sounds like she doesn't have enough to do if she is able to hook up with men and go to hotels while you are working.

And please insist she get tested for STD's and you get tested too.

I am so sorry you are here, alone, but you are in the right place. We can help you as many of us have been through this and have great marriages today.

If you want to save your marriage, the first step would be to fire your useless counselor. Any counselor who give you such dreadful advice at such a critical time in your marriage has absolutely no idea what she is doing. And that is not surprising. Marriage counselors on the whole have an 84% failure rate and haven't the slightest idea how to save a marriage. they have even LESS of an understanding of the dynamics of adultery.

I know that your C falls into that category because of her advice to give each other "space." It was giving each other too much "space" that led to this. The solution is to learn to live together. Your W had to have been terribly DETACHED to have the affair in the first place; more detachment will obviously NOT be the solution.\

Secondly, your wife's moving out just gives her the freedom to carry on her affair in PEACE without you knowing. In essence, you are enabling the affair by going along with this.

So, the second step would be to ask your w to end her affair and MOVE HOME. You can't very well work on your marriage if you are not together.

And lastly, and most importantly, have you exposed the affair? Does the OM's wife know? Have your children been told the truth? Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this a SECRET only allows it to continue. Telling the OMW helps the affair die with 2 people watching on each end. Telling your children helps them put this crisis into perspective. kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. If you don't tell them the truth, your wife will tell them LIES, count on it.

Your counselor is a fool.

p.s. your marriage is entirely salvagable if you lose the silly MC. Please ask your W to move home NOW.


Marriage Builders would recommend Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*. by Pepperband

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


I have done most of these things. We were seperated before we talked to the counselor. The counselor had initially said that we should be together, but I had already sent the wheels in motion. Even though we have seperate places now, she was still staying over most of the time. I do believe that the A is over because of the signs that it was going on are all gone and She is remorseful of the pain she inflicted. She is afraid that she has lost me for ever. In the past when we have fought I was always the one who wanted the quick resolution and she would pull away. As soon as she sensed me turning away she would come running back for me. I think she always knew I would be there and when she sees that I may not she panics. My MC says that I need to be ok with myself before we can solve the years of problems that led up to this. She is right about that I am very co-dependant. I have no way of contacting the Om wife. I did speak to him the other day. I dont believe there has been any contact since D-Day 2/20/09. Im hanging by a thread. I love my wife, but I wonder if I can really ever look at her the same again.

With all due respect, that is a bunch of nonsense. Unless she is a chronic alcoholic or drug addict, you are not a "co-dependent." Co dependence is a term that is applicable to relationships that are poisoned with substance abuse. This is a pack of psychobabble that is going not going to help you or your marriage. Many marriage counselors have wrongly and liberally bandied this phrase about to describe just about anything that moves because they don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. check this out: How the Co-dependency Movement
Is Ruining Marriages

Do you want to save your marriage or not, friend? Because if you do, you will have to get your wife home in order to work on the problems. But you are not going to be "ok" for a very long time. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child. You are looking at about 18-24 months of RECOVERY if you both work very hard. But no, you will not be OK for a very long time. I am sorry, but that is the harsh truth. However, your marriage will not be ok if you don't work on it. Your pain will go away eventually.


How about calling her up on the phone? Or driving over there? She needs to know about the affair so she can protect her self from your W and her H. She needs to know so she can try and stop your W from pursuing her H and vice versa. Additionally, she has to get STD testing. This is vital information that is pertinent to her safety and welfare. The decent thing to do is to alert the woman.

Has she stated why she felt she needed to search out a person on the internet for "Just Sex"? I know this is a new age and all but.......!!!

Please please . . . find the OM's W and tell her of the A!! Remember her H is trolling the internet for SEX! She could truly be in danger. I am sorry that your WW got involved in that type of thing. No matter what she is telling you now she is not actually over the A yet. You haven't even done the exposure on his side. He can still thrive in the dark and go to her new apartment. Your WW belongs with her family at this time not hiding out in a hotel. Good luck. It's a long haul!! I went to 2 LOUSY MC's who knew absolutely nothing about saving a marriage after infidelity. They were totally sucking my "gold" insurance dry. The first alone session that my FWH went to (he was still in contact with OW and H had no knowledge of the A) the MC said "you don't have to stay with your wife and kids". What a horrible thing to say . . . How about "are you still communicating with the OW?"

I'm in complete agreement with Dr. Harley on this one. The co-dependency concept is/was an excellent strategy for dealing with addiction and abuse. And Dr. Harley even states that MB won't work in the face of those conditions.

Other than that--the MB concepts make so much common sense, you want to slap yourself upside the head and yell "DUH"! Why didn't I think of that! Your wife belongs at home. You need to execute plan A. If that doesn't work and you get to your wits end, you move to Plan B--and that's only to save the love you have left.

One of the MCs we went to knew of H's EA the entire time we were in counseling. He had been H's IC prior to us both seeing him. I actually reported him to the board for that.

She is not going to move back home right now. She says she has to work on herslf as a person before we can be together. She doent want to fall into the same routine of band-aiding our problems and not really dealing with them. I dont like it but I cant drag her back. I am going to try Plan A for now. We are going on a pre-planned vacation on Friday , so I will give her the Plan A without distractions for a week. I really want to do it for me. I am reading How to survive an affair and as I understand it Plan a/b is for me more than her. I want to be ready if the time comes to walk away. She insists there has been no contact since D-day when I made her call and end it. I will keep snooping. I just dont know how long I can keep up Plan A without losing it.

Saying that she wants to work on herself as a person before you can be together really means that she wants to continue the affair. We see it all of the time here.

You need to contact the OM's wife.

Hi Alone,

Sorry you find yourself here but you have come to a really great place with people who have been through the same thing.

I know from my own experience that if the emotional needs of both spouses are not met then it leaves the marriage open for affairs. Just remember that there is always an other man/woman who dont care if the person is married or not who will meet those needs that we have neglected.

Find out what your wifes top EN are and start working on meeting them. There are some good books that you could read that would help like His Needs/Her Needs by Dr Harley and Love Busters and also the love languages by Gary Chapman. Read as much as you can on the subject.

Take care.

I hope your pre-planned vacation is good. We went on one the day after his first NC with the OW. The trip was really fun and I thought things would work out. I believe that she got jealous and really poured it on after that. Then the real rollercoaster ride began . . . Good Luck!

Alone,

Unfortunately, too many of us have been there and gone through what you’re going through. Please listen carefully to the advice you are getting. It may seem contrary to your instincts, but what may seem unique to you is only part of the long established pattern of infidelity that most on this site have seen too often.

First, you need to do a better job of exposure. You MUST find and tell OMW about this affair. She will be your greatest resource to insure that NC really exists. I would almost guarantee you that he has no interest in leaving his marriage for your WW and he will run away from her and this affair like fox running from the hounds when confronted by his wife. I know in my case, she put as much or more pressure on her WH as I did on my WW. The pressure from both sides put a quick end to the fantasy. Also, tell your children NOW. They are old enough to know and nothing ends the fantasy for a mother like having to face her children knowing that they know what she did.

Next, don’t assume that the affair is over just because your WW said it was. Waywards lie. I has been said on here before and its absolutely true that the way to tell if your WS is lying is by looking at their mouth. If it is moving, they are lying. You may not see any signs of continued contact but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t in contact. Heck, she doesn’t even have to go to a motel anymore since she has her own little love nest for them to get together in. Again, don’t believe anything she says until you verify it and then verify it again.

Next, drop this “counselor” and ignore everything she has told you. If you want to recover your marriage you need to be investing time in your WW and meeting her EN’s on a daily basis. You can’t do this if you are “giving her space.” Giving her space will end in divorce. Giving her space only allows her to continue her affair without any interference from you. Read SAA and HNHN as soon as possible and get familiar w/ Plan A&B.

Finally, realize that no matter how much you want to save your marriage and no matter how much work you put in you can only control and change you. There comes a point where your WW has to commit to this marriage, not just with her words but with her actions. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries for what you will accept and what you won’t. Don’t settle for just avoiding divorce. Set your expectations high and let her know that you don’t want to return to the marriage you had pre-A but you want a marriage that is better.

Also, at some point, you need to take a long hard look at what brought your WW to this place. I would be concerned that there was no apparent emotional connection with this affair. She is either lying to you or she has some deeper emotional issues than just the problems in your marriage.

One more thing, have a full battery of STD tests done immediately and insist that your WW have them also before you even consider having SF with her. Talk to your Dr because some of the tests will need to be repeated later because some of these diseases don’t manifest for months. She will probably swear that they used protection, but they NEVER do. There are too many on here that have bought the “we used protection” line only to get a horrible surprise a few months down the road.

I wish you well.

Just when I thought things couldn't be worse. I talked to om earlier and he said he told his wifr and I could talk to her when she came home in about 1 hr. His story didnt jive with my wifes. He said that she told him she had done this before, she said it was the first. He said they always used the same hotel. My info revealed at least 5 different hotels used in different areas. He also said that it had started around new yeatrs, she said in Nov. My records show hotel usage back to at least Oct. He was much more convincing than my WW has been. I cant deal with this. I am planning on going straight to plan D.It sounds like my wife was a whore.

I now think she probably arranged hook-ups with a number of different guys.Disgusting. I can never look at her the same.

Alone, I agree with this....Looks like you have started to expose the affair which is a good thing....You dont need C right now. You need to know the TRUTH. Confront your wife and have her admit everything. It is going to be painful BUT necessary for you to even move forward. And then ask for total NC. Dont make any decisions about your marriage.

As for you, read up on Plan A and implement it right away.

And yes get tested for STDs. We had to go through that horrific experience when my wife admitted about 5 months ago.

It seems that there has been several hookups. You need to separate finances ASAP. And file for divorce. Whether you sign or not. You must protect yourself financially. Confront her and tell her you know that she has had sex with other men too. Tell her that you are scheduling a polygraph test. Tell her she has this one chance to tell you everything.