Hi, I am new to these boards and am posting this because of something that has come up the past couple of weeks. It isn't full-blown cheating so I decided to post it here instead of the infidelity forum.

Back in December my husband and I were invited to a Christmas party at the house of one of our family friends. There was this other couple there who had two kids (ages 15 and 18). At the party they got along great with him. They were joking and laughing the whole time. One of them (the 18-year-old) has developed sort of a friendship with my husband. After the party they continued to keep in touch using e-mail. They are also friends on FaceBook. At first they sent messages every day. By now it has dwindled to a message once a week. From what I have heard, she has met him twice since the party.

DH works in the music department of a local university. This girl is a first year student who isn't satisfied with her current school, so she is looking to transfer. A few weeks ago she had a piano audition at the school where DH works. After all the auditions were over she told him that she got here by taking a train and walking the rest of the way. DH told me that he offered her a ride. At first she said she didn't want to bother him, but he told her that it wouldn't be a problem.

Last week, DH did a performance in New York. It was a small low-key thing with only a few people in attendance. 18 y.o. girl saw a notice on his website and decided to come. From what I heard, she doesn't have her license yet so she had to take public transportation. The show was over at 10 PM and it was dark. Since the girl lives in our area, DH offered to drive her back home. It takes about two hours to drive from NY to where we live. The next morning I wanted to know why he arrived later than expected. He told me that the night before he had seen the 18y.o. at his show. Before going home he said he was hungry and stopped at a restaurant. She said she didn't have cash and would have to pay with her debit card. He then told her that she shouldn't worry; he would pay for the two of them.

I haven't seen this person since the party, but from what my husband told me she seems to have a fascination with him that is bordering on obsession. I know people like music, but being prepared to take hours' worth of buses and subways to NY shows that she must have been determined to see the concert. My husband is open with me and tells me everything. He told me that the girl even said it herself. She didn't care about the music, she just wanted to see him in person again. During the car ride home, she was joking about how much she liked him. She even compared him to drugs and said that being around him was addictive.

DH doesn't seem to mind this. He thinks her joking is harmless and likes her company fairly well. I, however, am concerned. I am in my mid-40's and DH is 50. Although 18 is a legal adult, it is still a huge age difference. He tells me that this girl acts really friendly whenever she is around him. What could an 18-year-old and a 50-year-old have in common with each other? It seems weird. Right now things aren't so bad, but I am worried that there could be a problem if her infatuation with my husband continues.

You have a valid concern. Your H is being flattered and his ego is being fed by a younger women - very dangerous combination. If your H wants to protect and nuture your M then he needs to quit leading the girl on and tell her she's overstepping boundaries here. Your H's enjoying this and it is at your expense but he doesn't see that.

GG

RV, I suspect he likes being pursued by a young girl and finds it flattering to have a young woman look up to him. How do you feel the state of your marriage is right now? Is there still romance in your lives? Does he feel that you look up to up and respect him?

What your H is doing is very, very dangerous. This is affairs start. It is like putting a frog in a cold pot of water and turning the heat up. Before you know it, you are boiling hot. This is an affair waiting to happen, which will ruin his life. People who don't think they can have affairs are usually the ones who have them because they observe the sloppiest boundaries, which leaves them vulnerable.

Find out her first and last name and then locate her parents.

Call them.

Advise her parents that their daughter is flirting with a married man and you, his wife, are concerned. That ought to make thing very uncomfortable for both of them.

You said these people were family friends. Call up the parents. Tell them about their daughter showing up for concert in NYC and about how your H had to give her a ride home. Tell them you have concerns about a possible father figure fixation. (as in remember Lolita). This girl is in a fantasy and your H is her fix. It is a big deal to her that your H is in music and there is an attraction.

I do not think your H is pursuing her but I think that if the occassion arises he might fall into the fiery heat.

Oh no, no, no, no, no. This is very bad. He is playing with fire. She is testing the waters. Looking for a sugar daddy? Whatever. She's 18. She's a big girl. If she was able to find her way to the concert, then he should have let her find her own way home...

This is not cool. Nope, no way.

It is very easy for a H to take the actions of a young girl and say thats cute, she means nothing by it.

At the end of the day she does. She wants something from your H. Trust in the fact that if this is allowed to continue in any form it will turn ugly.



They have nothing in common, they never will.

I had a new girl at work start the same thing with me, she is 21 I am 41. I had no idea that she could have wanted anything from me, however being a stupid man, I ignored all the things I should have paid attention too.

I thought it was about work, learning making friends.
She showed up at my house one night, she had an infactuation, and I was unaware enough to feed it. your H is doing that. Boundries are so important and your H needs to put them in place, if he wont you must!

Nip this in the bud. He is flattered by such a young girl being infatuated with him. He probably gets a rush from this. She has already admitted that she thinks of him as a drug. Many men are really stupid around younger women.

RV,



If I might add something concerning 18 year olds.

Today's 18 year olds are nothing like the 18 year olds of our generation. (say from 40 and up). They have been brought up with the movies, TV, commercials, and THE WEB (as in spider web :D)which we shake our heads at. They think it's the way to be.

SO BE AFRAID...BE VERY AFRAID!! I would start snooping if I were you.

Late driving 2 hours from NY because they stopped to get something to eat? Ask to see the credit card receipt. Or snoop and look on line. OH...you paid cash?? hmmmmm.

Today's 13 and 14 year olds are like our 18 year olds.

IMHO

kirk

I agree with Krusht. Don't let you husband minimize this. You both know better. He should be worried about how it looks and be doing what is necessary to avoid any sense of impropriety. If he doesn't, that is a huge red flag for you.

RV are you there or hopefully talking to her parents.

RV, i would be taking this very seriously! contact her parents asap and alert them to what she is doing, my husband got involved with a 20 year old, at the time he was almost 40. He worked in a local nightclub and she pursued him on a nightly basis telling him how wonderful, handsome he was etc feeding his ego, unfortunately we were not in a good place then in our marriage so an affair began. It shook our marriage to the core and to this day i find it hard to come to terms with what he did.

I didnt know what was going on until it was too late, you have the information to hand,nothing has happened yet between them, tell her parents asap. Nip it in the bud NOW.

Just to add i totally agree with krusht.

BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID

Sort it out now!

wasn't there a movie about this? a couple of crappy movies about this? something with Alicia Silverstone and something else with drew barrymore?

If you don't take the warnings of all these posters, you are in for big trouble.

My H's A was with a 20 something, he was 55. It started with "admiration" of him as a father figure.

It ended up as PA with him as a lover/potential husband.

Warning, Will Robinson!

I have an update on the situation. The girl hasn't met my husband since March. I thought things were finally cooling down so I stayed quiet. Well, last weekend I saw her again. When I came home from grocery shopping I was about to enter my house when someone in a black trenchcoat approached me. She asked me if I knew when the next train was coming (we live near a train station). I told her I didn't and she left.

At the time I thought nothing of it. A few minutes later it dawned on me that her face looked familiar. It was the same person we met at the party! She was also carrying a video camera around her neck. At the party her mother was taking pictures. I gave her my business card so she could e-mail them to me. The girl must have seen my physical address on it. So now she isn't just following my husband, she is also coming to our neighborhood and recording images of our house. Then there is issue of transfering. Right now she can only see my husband's concerts once a month or so. If she goes to his school next year, they will be around each other much more often.

Icky icky, eeeeew, eeeew. CALL HER PARENTS. OMG! Wow. Just.Wow.

Redvine, she sounds unstable and a potential stalker. CALL HER PARENTS. this is beyond us.

Oh my gosh....I'm reading this, and this is sounding scary. Please inform her parents, and also speak with your H about this. He needs to cut all ties completely.

I don't normally post as an advisor but I read this and my mouth is still hanging open.....I've heard the term "Extraordinary Precautions" here and I hope after reading all the advice you've been given here, you will take that step. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, her, her parent, your husband....do what you have to do to stop this. She is obviously disturbed and needs help. Her parents need to know this. They may not be aware of any problems...YET. Good luck!