My wife, after denying it for over 30 years, has finally admitted to a long ago affair.

Her background: grew up in a house where she was mentally, emotionally and, at times, physically abused. She relieved the anxiety from this by stealing (kleptomania), constant lying, and when old enough, compulsive spending & promiscuous sexual behavior. I knew mot of this when we married (very young). I know these are all compulsive behaviors and tend to be repetitve, and there have been problems with lying and compulsive spending during our marriage.

My problem is that due to the nature of her past behavior, I'm finding it impossible not to imagine that she had many affairs.
When I broach the subject with her, she of course becomes angry and hurt, and accuses me of being paranoid and seeing things not there. I have been anxious, paranoid, depressed and distrustful to the point that I had to be hospitalized and tranquilized for 4 days after I initially found out.

2 basic questions;
1. has anyone else ever had such an overwhelmingly emotional breakdown to an infidelity of over 30 years ago or am I just nuts?

2. I feel for the sake of honesty and to repair our marriage, I need to know how many different men she has been with and when it finally all ended. Is this legitimate on my part, or is it just some kind of masochistic curiousity? Of course, if the answer is truly only the one, she will be insulted and hurt enormously, which I don't want to do. Does anyone have any ideas about how I can get honest answers from her about this without her chalking it up to my paranoia?

Thanks for your help, bless you, and please pray for us

No, there is NOTHING wrong with how you are feeling at this moment. You've basically discovered that your W has been lying to you for the last 30 years.

The question is, are you prepared to continue your M in the face of what might be continued dishonesty? If not, I would suggest a polygraph, to get the truth from her, and planning your next steps if she refuses to do the test.

She has lied to you this long. You need to build up a new marriage built on trust. Her old history is untrustworthy. Give her a chance to explain herself before the polygraph IS done.

This site does not recommend polygraph testing. But in the case of your wife's past behaviour, you have no choice.

Please continue to read the articles at this site. Learn especially what a POJA is and how to achieve it.

Definitely polygraph her.

To answer your questions:

1. You are not nuts. Discovering an A years after it has ended is just as bad as discovering it the next day. In fact it may even be worse because the lying has been going on for such a long time. And as you can see, you have no trust in what she says now. It's understandable and logical.

2. Knowing the full truth is a legitimate want AND NEED. There should be no secrets in a M. You will need full disclosure and full transparency to BEGIN to R your M.

A polygraph is a very good way to get your answers. If she balks at the idea of one, then she is hiding something. And you will have your answer on the spot. If she agrees to one set it up. Don't be surprised to suddenly get more truths as the time draws near. She will divulge more and more and SAY you know it all now so why take the test? Do not cancel it. There will be more.

At this point she should be willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal and to R your M. She's had years to process her A, you just had your DDay. It will take you several years to work through it WITH her help.

Go with your gut. And the polygraph.