Men, friendships and dating have been entering my mind a lot recently. No, I'm not dating yet. I know it's too soon. I have made friends with a young widower. We do not date because neither of us are ready and it wouldn't work anyway. But, what I'm wondering is if after divorce you're supposed to be single 1 year for every 5 you've been married, how many years do you need to be single again in my situation? If I used that rule, I think I'd be free to date after a couple of weeks. That doesn't seem right. I know at least a full year of firsts is a good idea, but my young widows group says everyone is different and everyone grieves differently. Then, there's the odd difference between divorce and widowhood. In a divorce situation you have been in a bad relationship. In widowhood, you could have been in any kind of relationship, so depending, you may not have any bad relationship issues to process. (UPDATE for those who remember my anger about a month after Mike died: I have not followed through on my threat to divorce my husband posthumously. Apparantly, not only did my lawyer think it would be a waste of money, it also would give my ex an opening to claim I was insane.) When I do start dating again, I have a master plan. I'm going to date a billionaire, if there are any left, or a cowboy. Most likely, I'll go for the cowboy.

GG, I've read Ann Landers say when the marriage was poor the widow or widower may never remarry, but when the marriage was good the surviving spouse would remarry right away. Both my grandpas remarried right away, and they were very happy with my grandmas until they passed

EO - I think that's a different dynamic. Older people, especially old men, remarry mostly for companionship. They've lived their whooooole adult lives with a spouse and don't know how to function without one.

GG - I personally think a one year time frame makes sense. Get through the calendar events.

Nothing says you can't cougar around for the other stuff in the meantime.

WHAT??? We're all adults here, right?

I don't think you can really put a timetable on it. Everybody works and recovers differently. You're certainly a smart woman who is aware of her feelings, so I don't think you'll have any issue with dating too soon. As you stated, you know you are not ready now, and you have told your friend as much. As long as you continue to be honest with yourself and others, you'll do it right.


Then again, what do I know.

Actually, I haven't even had to tell my friend that I'm not ready to date. He knows it. That's one benefit of hanging with another widow/widower. He's two years out, and I don't think he's ready to date either. I think I'm a warm up act.

Seabird, I don't know what you're talking about.

Liar.

Ooops. I forgot reply to you, Ears. I think you have a good point there. I've seen before too. Since you are who you are, I'm going to assume when you say remarried quickly, you aren't suggesting something in under a year.
I figure I'll be ready to date when I don't wish every man would magically turn into Mike.

You crack me me up!!

Actually it took me a sec to figure out the "cougar" reference. And tmepting as it would be... I'm just a little too old for that. I mean the cougaring, not the that that. You're never too old for that that.

Whaddaya mean "too old" for cougaring? That's the whole point!


bow-chicka-bow-chicka-bow-chicka-wow-wow

Jill and I have been apart for a couple of days, and I seem to be missing her tempering influence. She'd have put her hand on my shoulder long before now and said, "Okay, that's enough.".

Well, at least you've provided us all with a perfect example of why men need women in order to be civilized. Besides, do you know how old I am? I'm 42! I'm officially middle aged. I have dignity and wisdom, and an appointment with the plastic surgeon. I don't "party" or "hook up." And I never, ever am caught in my cups. Except Monday of last week when Rachel and I got tore up, and couldn't function for almost 24 hours. Even lying on the beach was tough.

And what's the deal with no editing? Has the flaming gotten that bad that the mods want to check posts?

I'm enjoying being 42!! Almost middle age...but not yet!!

I can't wait to be really, really old. When you're old, you get to say whatever you want and no one can do anything about it. Everyone knows you're way beyond the ability to change. You HAVE to be tolerated.

I think I'm ahead of my time.

GG, when I said right away, I wasn't suggesting a specific timeline for you. I totally trust your judgment. I think my grandpas may have remarried in under a year each, but like Seabird says, there was a different dynamic at work, too.

I once heard on NPR about an old guy in TX who finally decided to get married in his 90s. He took out an ad. The interviewer asked him what he had to offer a woman at his stage in life. He thought for a minute and then replied, "I got a Cadillac.".

LOL. Seabird, that is too funny. I'd consider the offer if it were one of those hot new caddies.

Old man in West Texas means that it's probably a pre-catalytic converter era Caddy, with a hood as long as an aircraft carrier, and maybe even some horns mounted to the hood. Nice and classy.

Now you tell me about the horns on the hood. There is nothing in the world like a pair of nice, long horns.