We've been together for 9 years this month. Seems like 40. I'm having a hard time putting thought into words, I'm tired and frustrated. Before the affairs started, he made me feel like I was thee luckiest woman on the planet, he spoiled me with love, attention, affection, help with the house, help with the kids. He didn't shy from expressing his love and admiration for me both verbally and written, how could I not want to love him back?
Since the affairs became public, all that he gave before has stopped and while he totally ignores any needs I may have, expects me to give what I gave in the beginning and sees no reason that I shouldn't be giving him everything.
I tell him what I want and need, no response from him. I don't know how much longer I can do this and often dream of leaving, he cheats on me, he ignores my needs but expects me to fully satisfy his needs, which are by the way mostly just sexual as his need for companionship, communication are met by the other women he reaches out to. I don't take our relationship lightly especially since there are kids involved, someone please help me.

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

Do you work outside the home? Are you in the position to leave him? If not, you probably have your answer. He can do whatever he wants and you have no choice.

I do work outside the home but am not in a financial position to leave. The youngest is just shy of 15, the 18 yr old is not ready to leave home yet, still have some work to do with that one.
It's the sadness that I find the hardest to deal with, next to that the loneliness. I feel very sad that things are the way they are and there is very little I can do about it aside from leaving or giving up my dreams of being happy. I am normally quite content to be alone, don't "need" people to be around me to be happy, I'm just missing having a companion especially on this life journey. I'm trying to make sense of his behavior, his attitudes, maybe if I can make sense of him, I can make sense of the situation and then will know what to do. How did they do this back in the "old days" when divorce was not the road to take?

So are you not married?

PLease provide general details of the affairs.

No we are not married.
It's been 4 years since the affair ended. Two women, same woman twice (a co-worker) and a woman from the bar, for the last 4 years (since the last blow out over the repeat with the co-worker) he has not stepped out of line.
In the beginning, for the first 18 months, he literally swept me off my feet. He was loving, kind, generous, attentive,helped me with the housework, the kids, he was everything I could ask for. It's since the last "truth" came out that things have gone downhill for me. Gone is the man I met and fell in love with,he's been replaced with a man I don't recognize. I want the man I met and fell in love with back.I think he is in there somewhere, I would very much like to believe he is in there somewhere but I am having my doubts.

Have you read the material here about affairs? How to 'fix' the marriage by incorporating some basic ideas like honesty and POJA?

Cat....she said that they aren't married.

EZ ~ do you live with him? What about the children? Are they both of yours or are they just yours from a previous relationship?

jojo, they've been together 9 years. He helped raise her kids (I assume). As far as I'm concerned, the plans here for keeping two people together aren't going to check for a piece of paper if they have that much history.

together for 9 years but not married, I am helping to raise HIS kids.I am the primary caregiver for the kids, have been the primary caregiver since the beginning. Since I consider us married and want things to be the best it can be for both of us, all of us, I have been reading and doing what I can to make it better for us, for all of us. I have tried to share with him what I have read, sent him links for him to follow along so to speak, I can't help but feel alone in this journey.
We're NOT married, they are HIS kids but I am the ONLY constant those kids have had pretty much all their lives, the minute I met them, I fell in love with them and took them into my heart like they were my own. That is one of my biggest struggles, they've already had their mom walk out on them, their dad left them with me for almost a year coming home only occasionally, I am the only constant in their lives and am torn by ties of the heart.
The second biggest struggle is to get my partner to recognize me as a "person" and that I too have wants and needs. Since the affairs ended, so has everything else, it's like we are locked in a mexican stand off, he believes I have to give to him first, I have to show HIM how much I love him.

Ez, do you think he was just looking for a live in babysitter since he won't marry you?

They NEED to check for something.

How do you even know that two people are vested in this relationship?

She lives with him...takes care of his kids...keeps the home fire burning while he is gone.

That doesn't make a relationship...she could simply be seen as the Nanny.

One person doesn't a relationship make.

ETA: At the very least, a marriage gives the impression of intent from BOTH parties.

jmho
committed

Of course that's possible, but given that over 50% of all marriages end in divorce, seems to me that the people who DO get the paper are no more invested than she is. Now, maybe her guy isn't, but she sure seems to be. And if I had to guess, she got together thinking he would ask her one day, but because of the kids, the paper wasn't as important any more.

I have felt that way at times. Sad as it is to say, I have felt that way at times.

I never expected marriage but did expect an honest commitment.

Okay, here is a "stupid" question,
Exactly how was I supposed to show my partner I forgave him for his indiscretions? Apparently I have not done it right and that is the reason we continue to struggle to this day. His version is to forgive and FORGET, wipe the slate clean, pretend that it never happened and just jump right back into bed together, my version is to forgive (move on)but not forget, to forget is to lose the opportunity for personal growth. If we FORGET how are we to know to NOT do it again?
Emotionally he has frozen me out stating that he does that because I haven't completely forgiven him. Every time I try to re-establish the emotional connection he slams me down so hard, but then he wants me to jump into bed with him. I can't help but feel the only thing of interest to him is physical and it is getting so hard, I've completely lost interest in getting physically close to him since there is next to no emotional connection.

He is manipulating you. He is probably also having other affairs you haven't caught yet.

Time to stand up for your own rights and stop being a doormat. HE is the one who should be trying to make it up to YOU! You've been listening to his BS for so long he's got you believing that you are the one scr&wing up the marriage.

You can try the methods here, but I doubt it will do much good, if he can't even own up to what he did, and is content with making YOU feel bad!

I have a great little book to read. It's called The Dance of Anger; you can get it at the library. Please read it and let us know if you see yourself in there.

Please consider you can "show" your forgiveness in many ways...and he still may not believe/feel you've forgiven him.

That's his thing, not yours.

He doesn't make you love him...he didn't really dazzle you...you were dazzled.

What I hear the posters on your thread asking you to do is to clear up the lines you live by.

Both of you are living in a state of fantasy.

You are not married, have not vowed before God and others your commitment...stated what you will do...you've both invested in this fantasy, actually, of acting married when you're not.

Which makes sense in recoverying from infidelity (which is fantasy-based), that you can no longer live that way. It's like continuing the A...continuing the fantasy.

So when you clear up the lines you truly live by, your beliefs, then you can act from your beliefs and not react to your feelings.

One of you has to stop this reactive dance. Since you are the one here, searching, seems to me, tag you're it (I'm quote Jayne from MB).



Begin with your last post, first line. You believe there are stupid questions.

I don't believe there are.

I believe people make sense all the time. So their questions are about them...and you're not stupid.

Your BF/SO didn't have indiscretions...he actively attacked your relationship and his family through his choices for a very long period of time. He harmed many and the consequences keep coming.

There is no deadline on forgiveness...it's a process, not an event. And we do fall back when we think back...our brain hands us feelings resulting from our thoughts as if they are happening now.

And they are not. Doesn't mean you didn't forgive...means you're re-experiencing, at times, what isn't happening in the present.


Is this your true belief, sarcasm, mocking or you stating his opinion as your own?

Human consequences keep on coming...do you believe once forgiven, no more consequences? Do you discern the difference of being wishful from real boundaries? If you don't, then you may not discern when BF/SO is stating his wishfulness from a boundary.

When you know your own stuff, separate from his, and you share, you feel emotionally connected. That's intimacy...he can't slam you down unless you have the belief that his response is what you're dependent on...then you're only sharing yourself for a purpose to get him to do/think/feel/say something.

No wonder you feel slammed down. You did it to yourself first.

Read all the articles on the website...get to understand what infidelity really is, steps necessary to recovery and how to thrive. Might be you're at this point right now to make the decision to really get married or not to this man. To see your own expectations, where you've participated in fantasy...when it was reality you wanted most.

LA

I tell him what I want and need, no response from him. I don't know how much longer I can do this and often dream of leaving, he cheats on me, he ignores my needs but expects me to fully satisfy his needs, which are by the way mostly just sexual as his need for companionship, communication are met by the other women he reaches out to.

Lisa11

You don't think you're heard, understood, considered?

Hmmm.

LA

I hope you realize that this is nothing more than him manipulating you. He puts blame on YOU so that you feel guilty and never ask him for anything. Since it's all your fault, he has no reason to give you anything, right?

Wake up. He's using you.

Put a keylogger on his computer, I'd bet money he's still hanging out with other women. Why shouldn't he? You're a doormat. You're his babysitter and SF buddy. He did what he needed to do, to woo you and get you to pledge to him; then he stopped, cos that's all he had to do.

That's what manipulators do.

He'll never respect you until you respect yourself.