Hiya, All

The D-day was six weeks ago WW admitted to an A, around a sport that she does 1 days a week. WW and me have been to 4 MC meetings, they have been very hard on me. I have kept up plan A for a couple weeks now, but 2 days ago in the MC office she asked for a DV to enable her to find her path to her life as she has lost the desire to live.

I Luvstill the WW, but hate to see the pain that WW displayed that day. I am commited to the M and desire a healthy M after 24 years. I am I being self centered, and only looking out for my self. Do you find any truth in the:

"If you love someone set them free...."

plan A becomes hard, when things such as this happen. I understand plan A is about my self and commiting to being a better me. I am I a better me when I have been told that I am the cause of such pain felt by WW. if she has no desire to live, but seeks to find it and I am not giving her what see needs.

Luvstill

Hey there, Sorry you are having so much trouble. Very difficult for you. It sounds like your wife needs help for herself. And if she had an A then there is gong to be a period of withdrawl that probably includes some blues. My H. was very depressed. Perhaps reading some things on MB about the anatomy of an affair and what happens when it ends could help you. There are people on these boards who could give you some great insight into what may be going on. Are you certain the A. is over? Did she meet the OM during the sport that she enjoys?

No..you are not being self centered at all.

You are being "marriage" centered.

"If you love someone...why would you let them destroy their life"

There are consequences to breaking one's vows to God, and if you love her, TRYING to protect her from the consequences is a noble effort (and one you don't have to make...it's very SELFLESS)


This line of wayward manipulation has been seen over and over and over again. It's fog babble. That shouldn't be responded to other than maybe asking her if she's going to kill herself and if so...you'll need to call the cops and have her committed.

You see...she's trying to use the fear that she'll kill herself to manipulate you to doing what she wants. She wants an easy divorce so she can run off with OM (if she's still in contact with him in any way...does she still do the sport?). If she's not in contact she may just be in withdrawal from the affair and depressed.

You just keep fighting and STOP internalizing the things she says about you and marriage.

Stay strong.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - What did the counselor say? Most marriage counselors are idiots and you should only go so you can spend time with your wife and Plan A her in the process...but actually taking their advice is often a mistake as they typically facilitate "being happy" which leads to divorce. Marriage is about being married...not being happy. Happiness is irrelevant (though it's nice when it happens).

LS, have you exposed the affair? Are you going to try and save your marrage?

p.s. counseling is absolutely useless when one partner is in an affair.

I sat through it twice . . .what a waste! ML is that your street by any chance (if you don't mind me asking)

OS, nooooooooooooooooooo. I misremembered a Beatles song.

Ok . . .I used to live on that street!

Don't for one second let them put the blame of the state of the marriage on just you.

And take zero responsibility for her affair.

Now, you appear to be a little lost about what to do. This is the place to get your answers and people here will steer you right.

The very first, number one thing you MUST do to have any chance at recovery is to expose the affair in order to put pressure on it and end it.

Your marriage has no chance so long as she is in this affair.

Hiya, OS

The A did happen with the person during the sporting event.

I am not certain about the staus of the OM, and the A. My gut tells me it is still ongoing, as I hear the he is my "friend" thing alot when she talks to her girl friends over the phone or to my adult children.

She has been on meds for a month or so has she is depressed. The Doc (MC) tells me not to push so hard, and WW relates that she is no condition to make a good choice about any thing at this time.

Doc tells me love my wife, keep my anger uncontrol. I have as part of plan A to do just that, as it is my top priority.

Luvstill

I don't think you are being selfish.


For me, the WW saying things like the above actually helped me handle continuing plan A.

My thoughts were basically, "Huh, what exactly does that mean?"

This is a fantasy driven "movie" dialogue. Your next line is supposed to be, "Now that you've said that so elegantly, you've finally reached my soul, and I understand that while it breaks my heart, if I truly love you, I will let you go find your self." A warm embrace, some tears, WW strides out into the world sad, but optimistic about her journey. Fade to black, roll credits. The restrained but uplifting music in the background played during the credits implies that while sad, both parties were better off.

Don't get sucked in to the drama. Use your brain.

A decent MC should have poked at that statement. In reality, the only thing a D enables is for her to continue her A.

Hiya, ML

That is a on going process, there are not many people in her live that would influence her. Her Family is another state, and she has basicly disowned most of them. She does not speak to any one in my family.

The WW is the type of person that will push people out of her life by detatchment when she feels they are causing her pain and stress.

Luvstill

You need to snoop. Install a keylogger on her computer and confront OM. Go ask him what his intentions are with your wife and that you demand that he stop talking to her.

WWes don't respond to men who are afraid to act. They respond to men who show a backbone and fight for their marriage.

So defend your marriage and take steps to end her affair.

If you have no family to expose to, then expose at her sporting event and to your friends.

Expose to your children.

They can put pressure on an affair, especially since they are adults.

Don't believe any of the garbage about "finding herself".

TY, Rich

Lots o' wise stuff there...

Mee like "WWes don't respond to men who are afraid to act. They respond to men who show a backbone and fight for their marriage.
"

I really think I have to stick to my plan A. The only question is how do I discuss the A with my wife in a constuctive manner.

She know that it has hurt me to the core, she just justifies by exclaiming I have hurt her in the past. Seems that all discussions become very defensive and lack and reason or reality.

Luvstill

Do you have any children?

Part of Plan A is the exposure. Expose to everyone, insist on NC and show her how great her home life is.

You don't discuss plan A. You just do it.

Hiya,

Yep 2 Daughter, Son both in the twenties.

Luvstill

Hiya, stillstanding

I am not nor plan to disscuss the plan A, as it is about me.

So I have to be very careful as to how I answer the MC questions. When he asked me how I see things...

Luvstill

Hiya,

WW has now completely shut down will not look at me and is very withdrawn, kind of makes me want to do the same....

This is the second time over the last 6 weeks, it may have something to do with the MC vist. He asked me how I saw things up too now I was very positive in that we have shared some very close moments over the last 6 weeks and have spent much time toghter. Last eve. after spending some time at a lecture for a course she is taking we got home late and went to bed. I went to kisss her good night got the "cheek" only extended to me. Really hurts!! We have always hugged to fall asleep even over the last 6 weeks, NOT last night, got the limp lip kiss this AM, I am feeling pretty drained, angry and confused....


I know that whating to do the same just an reaction, and not a good choice. Seems we blame the "fog" for the negitive stuff, how does the "fog" impact the "positive" stuff I believe I am seeing?

I am going out to get SAA today, not sure weather I should hide the fact that I am reading it?

Luvstill