Hi everyone,
I haven't posted in awhile as I got hit with a 2x4 last time I tried.
I have done everything wrong starting with kicking him out as soon as I learned he wanted to leave, then I cryed and begged and drove him crazy with my neediness, then I yelled and screamed and then cried, I am such a mess.
WE don't even talk at all anymore, he came to my sons baseball game and hid from us so we wouldn't know he was there.
He has been my world for 25 years and he is so sure he wants to be alone.
He swears he is not talking to the women he had his ea with, but I don't believe him and now that he is gone she could be living with him for all I know.
He says he needs to find out what he wants in this life and if it leads him back than it does, but not now.
He says he doesn't want a divorce and he will pay all the bills, but whenever we have to talk about kids or something he acts like I am a stranger.
I have stopped contacting and I am so scared he will never contact me.
I am trying to get on with my life as if he is gone forever, my kids and the people I work with never see me cry, but every night and whenever I am alone I fall apart.
Is there any way I haven't ruined my chances.
Has anyone done as bad as me and gotten them back?

BE,

I'm sorry for your pain.

But your H is cake eating and you've been advised on what you should do to get him to stop.

Write him a Plan B letter and file legal papers to force him to pay for child support and spousal support.

He is cake eating because you're letting him out of fear.

You haven't made him face any consequences for his actions.

Talk to a lawyer tomorrow and file the papers to formalize what you're already living.

Waking him up involves ticking him off.

And there is life after divorce, if it goes down that path.

Have you exposed?

Remember that hope isn't a plan.

Welcome back.

Are you now ready to put forth some hard work to get you into a better situation?

Are you willing to listen and follow the advice given to you by people who have been through this?

We want to help you....but you have to be willing to put forth the effort.

I ditto what SIHW says.

Brown, this is a process. We LEARN new ways of living life and dealing in relationships. You aren't going to get this overnight and you have to give it all time. Your marriage didn't break over night and it won't get fixed that way either.

Browneyes

I am sorry you are still hurting so much. However, you are not willing to do the things that you need to do. You received 2x4's here because you were getting great advice and you weren't listening and you just got mad and quit posting. Same thing will happen again if you aren't willing to help yourself.
You will get support and advice here but regardless of whether it hurts your feelings--it is all objective.
Your husband does not want to come back--you have to accept that. There may or may not be another person involved but you need to move past this and stop letting this man destroy you. You have consulted with an attorney already. Your husband does not want a D because you have him by the balls and he knows it. Get on with your life...
I know that is not MB advice but there is someone out there who will treat you with respect but you need to get yourself to a place where you have self respect first.

BE
Please do not give up. I know that you want help but you have to keep reading and posting. Everyone here will support you. You have come a long way.

Browneyes

Please come here and tell us how you are feeling, its good to just have someplace to go to vent and to get some advice. I know its hard for you and that you are in a lot of pain emotionally at the moment but the people on this board really want to help you.

I am still here, I just was having trouble posting for some reason and had to redo my membership with a new name, still me.
I have contacted a lawyer and started the divorce, it is not what I want, but I see no other choice.
WE have no contact at all and he is not even contacting his kids anymore.
I pray alot and I have friends and family trying to help, I know he's not coming back, I just don't understand it.
I truly love him and I know he loved me, not sure what happened, but I will go on and try to be happy someday.
I wish there was some magic in life to help take the pain away, or at least make me understand where it went wrong, but he is stubborn and even if he wanted to come back, now he wouldn't try.
It has been 9 weeks and I get a little stronger everyday, I just miss my life and my husband.

BE--glad you're back. I like the new name too!! You are doing the right thing...protecting yourself. Remember, the only person you can control is you--just concentrate on getting your life straightened out and being a good mom. There will be joy in your life again. Just pray about the pain. It will take a while, but He will answer. Just have faith.

You have to set your mind to this and stick to it. You have to be accepting of the situation although it is not what you want.

Recognize your self worth--you are a human being with or without your WH--and maybe in the future you will find someone worthy...your H was not worth it!! You have to be happy with yourself though before you can be happy with someone else. Hang in there.

browneyes,

Is a divorce what you want?

You said he was giving you money? Is it enough to live on?
If you want your M and right now there is no abuse in the R, H is providing adequately -- even though he has not seen you or kids -- do nothing.

You said you have no choice? Why? Because you are convinced that he is not coming home? Even though H avoided you at son's game -- he did attend.

This is normal behavior for waywards. All indicators are there that their is an OW. He will NOT tell you the truth and continue to lie. He is an alien now and not the H you knew for 25 years.

9 weeks is not a long time. If you read through these posts there are many posters here who have been away from the WS for more than a year.

Glad you are feeling stronger -- it is good that you have support. I have gotten hit with many 2x4s here also. All the time for awhile. good luck

He has stopped contacting his kids now too. Yesterday my youngest finally got to start in his baseball game and I had to work late so wh was supposed to go watch him, and he didn't show.
Last FRiday he talked to him and told him how much he misses him and wants to see his games, Ty told him I wouldn't be at that one and he could come and he said he would.
I think he might have gotten served his papers yesterday, but I don't understand why he would be upset with that.
I am trying so hard not to think of him, but deep inside I think he has to be in pain and it hurts so bad.
Why do I want to make it better for him when it I am in so much pain
I won't don't worry still no contact, but I guess that is just who I am, trying to make everyone happy at my expense.

SO how does your youngest feel about that....did he call his dad and TELL him?

I don't know BE....I still think the shock of not being able to contact you directly will stir something in him.....I know you see it as worthless....but if his guilt is causing him to be so stupid a shake up like that will cause him to wake up a bit.

Having someone call and say hello I am your new intermediary....you will now go through me if any thing is needed from BE and that includes visitation with the kids, games, etc.

His freedom to have a direct line to you is CUT OFF.....he won't like that too much.....ends his chances to get his fix of you....which he is still getting any time he gets new from or about you.

I really don't think he cares at all about not having contact with me, but okay lets do it.
I am having such a hard time just hoping he breaks the no contact and wants to talk to me, but deep inside I know he wont.
He is, was a very strong man and would never admit he made a mistake, so even if he wanted to come home he wouldn't.
He has alot to loose as he he has already signed the house over and lost the respect of his 3 boys and my family.
WE had it all and he threw it away for some 3 time divorsed women he knew in highschool.
I know I have done all I can to assure him that I was willing to fix our marriage and now I need to get strong and I don't know how.
I gave him my power and now I need it back.
How do we start the process of someone else talking to him instead of me?

well do you have someone a friend or relative willing to take on the task near you?

If not....my offer still stands.
You can email me Tigeressts@gmail.com

I would have posted to you sooner but I had to get to a T-ball game. But first part is finding someone to do it....It must be someone who can relay messages to WH and filter the crap out he gives back....Only the facts mame only the facts...get it? They also need to be able to hold there resolve in the face of the demon.


this will keep you from having to deal with his abuse and he will not get his fix. YOU also have to make sure you DO NOT CONTACT HIM. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY CALLS/EMAILS/LETTERS/TEXTS/ANY FORM OF COMMUNICATION FROM HIM AND TELL THE KIDS NOT TO RELAY ANYTHING TO YOU SHOULD THEY TALK TO HIM...IT ALL GOES THROUGH THE INTERMEDIARY.

Hi there,
My older sister dsaid she would be more than happy to do it, she thinks if I took him back now I am crazy, but she will be nice to him and won't say anything to hurt me.
I just got home from a birthday party at Chucky Cheese, my nerves are shot and there was a letter from my lawyer, they served him.
Before the birthday party I went to a baby shower across the street at a friends house. I haven't been over there since he left and he has talked to them a couple of times.
He told them he knows he has a lot to loose and he is coming home in 6 months. He also told them I think he has a girlfriend, but she hooked up with someone else now and he is alone.
He text all 3 boys today to ask if they would see him tommorrow, one is going.

browneyes, I ask you "how are you doing" and you tell me what H is doing "to you". What do you want? Do you want a D? If so fine, but if not why would you serve him? 9 weeks is not a long time. Your wounds are too new. Stop being reactive every time he does or does not do something. That is why he still has the power.

one small step at a time.

Here is what I think about your husband!

:twobyfour:

Hope,
I understand what you are saying, but living it 9 weeks feels like forever. I cryed all night when I learned he had been served, but I felt like that is what I had to do to go on with my life.
No I dont want a divorce, I want a new chance with the man I love, but he is telling people he needs 6 months and by all indications he doesn't even miss me or our life, so I felt I had to it.
I regret it now, but can't take it back.
Part of me hopes it is wake up call for him and part of knows he is stubborn and won't fight it.
WE really did have a beautiful life and I think he is having a mental problem of some sort, but I can't fix him and I can't let myself suffer anymore.

BE,

I want you to take a step back and look at your posts over time. There is an odd consistently about you that bears review.

You talk about how much control he has over you. But your decisions are strange to me, BE. You say you do not want a divorce, yet YOU FILE. Why? This is directly contrary to what you say you want.

If you do NOT want something, why did you do it?

You said in previous posts that you knew you needed Plan B. But you didn't use it. Why not?


You said you needed to change things about yourself, but then I see avoidance of doing it.


I think that maybe your husband WANTS TO COME HOME.

He says he does - in six months.

Yet, you push his buttons and file divorce.

And don't work on yourself, which is KEY to getting him home.


And putting a solid Plan B in place awhile back would have made this faster - and you're finally there, now........



Okay, I accept you are there, now.



But what is your PLAN???????



What I see is:

You have already filed - telling him you are walking away.
Then you have Plan B, meaning to end an affair that may already be over (you need to figure out if he even has a girlfriend or not).
And have you really made the changes that you would need to have in place if he were to return to the marriage?
Have you done a stellar Plan A, which is really the basic need before you go to Plan B?????


Has your husband SEEN the changes in you that he would need to see in order to understand, to KNOW in his heart, that the marriage is a safe and loving place to return to?


I guess I'm not positive that you have worked the MB plan to the point that it will bring your marriage to a recoverable point, if he were to walk back into your home.


That is the issue - Browneyes. Make that your plan. Figure it out.

And for Pete's Sake - I would put this divorce on hold. Talk to this man before you go off the deep end. You most certainly can take it all back - before the ink is dry on the bottom line.

SB

(((SB))))

Good post....and good to see you again, my friend...

BE,

School used to have a line in her siggy....it goes with EVERYTHING she posted to you above.....

"I have all the time in the world to divorce, I only have TODAY to work on my marriage".....

think on it....

not2fun