I know, I know, punishment is not a way to heal, and it doesn't help build a marriage. I found out 3 months ago that my DH had some on-line sexual chats with some other women, and there was one that he continued a "friendship" with over the course of that time that evolved into phone calls (although he insists that those calls weren't of a sexual nature, not that it really matters, but I was able to verify that almost all the calls were while he was on his 45 minute commute so not likely that sexual). Anyway, it was an eye opener for both of us. I still am dealing with some pain, and we are seeing a counselor. I still have a lot of questions about the "chats" and the calls, and he has been pretty good about answering them and anything else that I ask of him for that matter.

However, I can't seem to get this feeling that if I just forgive him, he might do it again. He needs some consequences for his behavior. Again, I know that it isn't completely healthy for healing a marriage, but I am wondering if anyone else has had those feelings and been able to come up with something that satisfied their need, but still allowed the marriage to continue to heal?

Hello Dutchy,

Welcome to MB.

Suggest you read up on MB, there are many articles on this site that will answer your questions. Just compensation is what you are looking for specifically.

The 2 books to read that are imperative regarding affairs are Surviving An Affair (SAA), and His Needs Her Needs, How to Affair Proof your M. (HNHN).

They can be ordered from this site or your library may have them.

I would start with educating yourself on MB.

Sure we do, DM...

there are long-term, unending consequences...

he lost your respect, trust and how you saw him...

he lost his self-respect, broke his vows and lied to you...

you are not going to blindly trust him again (which good); you are not going to trust him (I hope) at all right now...

he rebuilds trust through transparency...ownership and honesty (answering all your questions), and part of that is stating what he was doing, why he was doing it, and how and why he won't do it again.

Period.

You will not regain blind trust (which is great); you will see him as he is today, not an image you made of him...you'll have to judge his actions, not his being; and this urge to protect yourself from such intense hurt isn't unreasonable...it is unreal.

You cannot protect yourself from this pain--you aren't in control of his actions, his choices, his stuff--he is. You're in total control of your own.

Check and see if you believe we earn love and punishment in this life...would make sense if your H earned your love (against your will), then he's in charge of your pain, your joy, your happiness, your frustration, your sadness.

Which is huge self-betrayal (and you may have the urge to punish yourself).

You're not crazy...you're learning.

LA