Most of you won't know me, I frequented the MB board way back in the 2002/2003 timeframe. I posted under "JR"... that seems like a lifetime ago, now.
Back then I was trying to deal with being a BH at 31 years of age. My WW had started an affair with a penniless Korean fellow at her workplace. I learned after D-day that she also had a prior A, something that started even before we were married! (We were married in 1993 and had no children together.)
After plan A'ing and then plan B'ing, I eventually filed for D. It was going on too long, they kept working together, NC seemed impossible, and I came to understand I needed to move on.
As for her, after the D process was well underway, OM discovered that he had terminal cancer (sarcoma). They stayed together, and over the next few years, after she resisted the D to a degree (I had to file), they did get married and had a daughter with the help of IVF (at fairly great expense to them). A year or so ago he moved back to Korea to be cared for by his family, while she stayed in the US, purchased a house, and continued to work on a visa (we were from Canada originally). She visited him a couple of times. He just recently passed away (end of January). We've communicated only occassionally, mostly by email check-ins now and then. (Plan B did what it needed to do for me, so I no longer feel a compelling need to maintain NC with her, although I also feel no compelling need to contact, either.) I noticed on her Facebook that she's still listed as "married" but also "seeking men for friendship". At this stage, she's learning what it means to be single again, I suppose, although she has had a head start, knowing it would come to this for quite a while. (I also noticed that her and her first OM "friended" on FB recently - I would assume that he's no longer married, either... although that's no concern of mine.) OM's experience with cancer is something I don't see as karma or payback... I feel bad for him and for WW - and for their daughter who is 2 years old and might not really remember him.
As for me, I had a tough time in the early days. I had only really dated WW before, so I had a hard time seeing things outside of the life we'd built. I think that's what stalled me in Plan A/B for quite some time. In any case, I did learn a lot on my own, and started dating a girl in 2004. We dated until 2007 - it wasn't the kind of fit that could result in marriage again. She has bipolar disorder and has a hard time being positive about many things. I realized this was going to be too hard to overcome and had to move on, although we still maintain contact as friends. (We did lots of fun things together, have common friends, and I have no reason to be spiteful to her.)
In 2008, I bought a house and met my current GF (dating for 9 months now). She's an amazing Philipino girl who's held out from getting married for 37 years. We can talk about pretty much anything and have had frank discussions about marriage. I like what she has to say! Out of her mouth: the importance of "respect and integrity" and "you deserve better". I can talk about my past in a way that lets her know what I expect, and I think my transformation over time has allowed me to sub-communicate to her that I won't be taken advantage of. I find it exceedingly easy to be affectionate with her (not just sexual) - something that wasn't necessarily true with WW all that often. (Given the secret of her first affair, it's not that surprising, as Steve once told me.) GF is really the complete package and I feel very, very lucky - she treats me very well, is very social, my friends and family love her, we have a lot of common interests (running, skiing, Texas Holdem), and the list goes on.
I also found that confidence has been a key ingredient in a) aiding my own recovery and b) making me more attractive to the opposite sex. I bring that up because it's an important point for BS to appreciate: actually believing that you're "the best" and acting that way is good all around.
I'm here today for a couple of reasons. First, I want to show another "success story" from MB principles. I didn't save my marriage with WW, but I'm well equipped to handle my next marriage. And that - getting remarried - is around the corner. We've talked about it enough that it's pretty much expected... I'm working on a ring right now! I could have become jaded on marriage, but I'm not. I still believe in it, and I want to be married when we start our family (soon). I know there are no gaurantees in my next marriage, but I do feel incredibly empowered by all that I have internalized over the last number of years, MB and otherwise.
I also want to be an example of how as BS, you need to BELIEVE that things will be alright. I know the depth of pain that's possible, but know that one way or another, things will get better - it's not just empty words, it's the truth.
This has been an unusal path I did not expect, but if things didn't happen this exact way, I might not have met my GF, which would have been a real tragedy. I'm sure WW can say the same about her daughter, and that's cool.
Anyhow, I wish everyone well... stay strong and hold on to your integrity.
