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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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Joined: Oct 2007
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dearheart, are you still around?

Did things improve with your H meeting any of your needs?

Joined: Feb 2009
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Hi Cat...YES...things have improved greatly and what appears to be "more permanent" asENs are being met all over the place.

I never thought that my dh would get so cranky; feel so unloved or feel disrespected if we had s*x at least once/twice a week. (average once a week anyways)That seemed like a lot to me. What I understand NOW is that he seems to want it DAILY but every other day is working out well for us. He knew I was tired last night but helped with dinner dishes after we had dinner and then had a few errands before settling in for the night. He put the kids to bed and gave me time to freshen up. He is MUCH more attentive, affectionate and gives me much more non-sexual touch (hand holding while talking in the car) and holding hands when walking. There is MUCH less stress in our relationship. I told him that I really need to HEAR his views on "the change" in his behavior.
He admitted that he was "being abusive" (not intentionally consciously abusive, if you know what I mean) and that he was acting badly toward me to "get what he wanted" and he realizes and admitted verbally that he was WRONG.

I can't help but think that this all coincides with him returning to worshipping with me and kids as a family at our church where we met. He feels that he belongs there and looks forward to attending.

I will have to say that these books HN/HN and FIL/SIL are two fo the most helpful that we have seen along the lines of meeting each others needs. My view on him has even changed. These books and this forum helped me work through anger toward my husband. Talking with him about these concepts and feeling love from him with the acknowledgement of my needs was very healing overall. I feel that he sees me and loves me as his wife...a person, not someone who is here to meet his needs...I feel loved, I feel cherished. He has "won my heart" with tenderness; SO EASY that he just can't believe it!

You mentioned that we need to focus on admitting the verbal or abusive behavior before it can be dealth with but I have found that a man's (my man anyways) pride will not allow him to verbally admit that at first; he has to be shown and PROVED that his behavior is NOT right and that his wife's behavior is NOT wrong all the time but that she is responding to his lack of meeting her ENs as well...it can be a crazy cycle and someone has to say STOP...my dh has admitted that I was the one who stood by him and loved him through this...

You mentioned that I was waiting for a miracle that would come through me... well...the miracle part was my tolerance and patience to do stay with him and do only do what I could do but I had to be willing first. The miracle in his heart is from God. God just uses those who are willing and I was willing to be used by God for my husband's and our marriage's healing.I know that He brought us together for healing. It has not been easy but I know that I have a good man and I am very glad that I did not give up on him. He is too...

Marriage is NOT impossible...we can be so stubborn and stupid at times and more self-serving than Christ and spouse-serving and then we expect things to be good in our marriages.
Gary Thomas said it best in "Sacred Mariage"...
what if God didn't intend for marriage to make us happy but to make us HOLY?"


thanks for asking...blessings to you and all who have followed this thread...

Joined: Oct 2007
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So glad to hear of your success!

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