MelodyLane and anyone else out there,

I went to ZenWolf's thread and read the great things that you said it him. Please give me some of that same great advice.

I have the husband in Vietnam who just had a baby with the OW. This affair has been going on for close to 2 and 1/2 years now.

I read the article on plan A just a little while ago and I did not realize that I have been implementing many of the things in this plan for months now which came from the writings and advice of Dr. Harley's books.

Although I did not get to Plan A and Plan B by reading Surviving an Affair, I wish that I had read these plans first because I honestly feel that I may have brought more damage to my marriage by not doing so. I was taking a little from one book and a little from another book and not getting a complete solid picture on what I was suppose to be really doing. I handled things consistently one moment, then one moment not. Now I am on Plan B which I did on my own without knowing everything there is to know about Plan B.

What I mean by me being on Plan B is that 72 hours ago I told him on the phone that I do not want to see or talk to him anymore until his affair is over with, and that he needs to live somewhere else when he gets back to our home town.

First question, is emailing a form of talking to him? We had children together and we have a home and bills to take care of.

Second question, I want to know if I am helping my marriage or hindering it? I have e-mailed my husband and told him to forgive certain things that I acted out towards him since our marriage and this affair. I continually tell him that I love him and I do tell him that I wish we could be together. I still say loving things to him even with what is still going on.

Third question, is Plan B the place where I should be? It has been well over 2 years and he is still telling me that he is not going to break it off with her.

Last question, is it normal to feel extremely confused for my husband to fluctuate with his feelings towards her being weak one moment and then strong the next moment? What is this called when he feels this way? To me his emotions are way out of whack. I feel if he really loved her deeply his feelings would not change so drastically from one moment to the next. I know that he has said that the whoop la and sizzle wore off before a year into his affair.

I just need to know at this point what I am suppose to do to save my marriage and not make anything else worse. Even if this means to not give him any more sugar words because I believe he might use this against me because he will still know that I want him back. And,I feel like if he knows that I am waiting for him this can still perpetuate his affair because he knows that he will be able to come back some day while still playing around for now.

Hit me with your best shot, fire away, everyone out there.

Cindy

Cindy:

Please try to keep to one thread. It allows the rest of us to follow your story better and you will get better advice. I made the same mistake when I was new to the forum.

Ok, now from reading your threads, I gather that you have counseled with Steve. Were you able to ask him some of the questions you ask here? I'm sure some more experienced and wise people will come along to answer---I don't have answers for some of what you are asking.

As far as Plan A and B--you've been directed to Dr. Harley's articles on Plan A and B. There is no set timeline, though there are recommendations. I'd say you should be well into Plan B now since it's been 2 years. Remember, plan is for YOU, not for him. It's to help you preserve the love you have left for him and to help you find yourself and establish your own way so that if things do not right themselves, you will be working from a position of strength.

That said, plan B means you write a letter to your spouse, telling him exactly what you intend to do--that is break off all contact--until he breaks off the affair and establishes NC. You need to find an intermediary who will handle any discussions about finances and children, and pass information back and forth. Emailing is considered communication. If you have something to say to him that has to do with your joint finances or your kids, then ask your intermediary to relate it to him.

That's it.

Here I go again,

It seems like my flood gates have opened up today for some reason.

I know that everyone of us that has told our story has gone through so many of the same emotions. I want to know about depression. This is what I am going through on and off all day long and I just can't seem to shake it. At this point this is the only emotion that I am strongly having on a constant basis and it has been happening like this even before my husband starting having an affair.

Yes, I said this correctly. I have been having this kind of depression about 2 weeks before his affair even started. I truly believe that God was talking to me in my heart and letting me know that something was wrong. At this time I was crying all the time. I was having thoughts that it had to do something with my husband but I did not have an answer as to what it was.

Before the 2 weeks I was fine, no depression or crying then one day it all started. From there God was preparing me over the next 3 1/2 months for the day that I would find out the truth.

I would like to know how to deal with this depression effectively.

eyes, also agree keep to one sitch. People will lose track of your story.

If you find you are constantly down -- go to your doctor. Depression can be harmful. Let an expert advise you on this.

I agree with Hope. I think you need to seek medical advice, and talk this thing through with a medical professional, ie a fully qualified Dr. You may need medication. Get YOURSELF on an even keel, then work on you WH amd marriage.

Good luck.