What is it about date night?

She works at this sports bar on weekends you may remember. She was supposed to get off at 6:00 on her shift yesterday. They make pizza at this place so I texted Coho to ask her to bring home a pizza. [color:#33CC00] I was reading your post to my husband and he had a different opinion on this than I did. He thought that you may be setting up your wife. You know that she has a drinking problem and you basically gave her an excuse to stay later because of the pizza. [/color]Just after 6:00 she texted back asking what kind. I responded. Half an hour later she said, 'you got it.' Anyway, she finally got home at 7:40. It's at MOST a 15 minute drive to our house. During the last few months this was consistent. She would have her 'shift drink' before heading home from work. It usually took an hour or two. It was just one more demonstration during this whole thing of where her priorities were and it became a very sore point for me. This is not different than the guy who stops by the bar on the way home from work in my mind. [color:#009900] You asked her for the pizza [/color]
When she got home, I was grumpy and I told her why. She said they got busy and the pizza took longer to make. I asked if she'd had her 'shift drink'. She said she did, while the pizza was being made. I just couldn't shake the feeling I was being lied to. I was still sore that she got home 20 minutes before the kids' bedtime with their dinner.

So maybe she was being honest, but it was all so tied up in recent history, I was in a bad mood to start.

We headed out on the date night to see a friend's band play.
[color:#009900] I am assuming that you took her to a bar for date night? [/color] Got there and Coho goes right into her gregarious social mode. It's nice seeing her have fun and get her mind off things. But there's this voice in my head saying, "All these people know about the affair, doesn't she want to apologize? Take them aside? Something? Is she just going to pretend it didn't happen with them? So my cruddy mood was not improving any. Add to this, in my over-sensitive mood, she's paying attention to everyone but me and I'm thinking, "Date night?" And I'm just losing my desire to be there at all. Somewhere in there Coho had 3 beers and a shot of whiskey. I swear it's the damn hard alcohol with her. My brother showed up, and she and my brother were having this long, very emotional conversation outside. I was thinking, "Wow, she is addressing this with him! That's great." I got to see my brother weep like a baby when I told him my wife was leaving me and he was telling me of the affair (the whistle blower told him, he told me). He's done nothing but sit there and watch me go through hell over and over and he still loves her and wants us to work out. I think he's one that is truly owed an apology.

They came back inside and I asked how Coho was, and she said she was mourning for the whistle blower, who lost her sister in a plane crash a few years ago, this was the anniversary. Apparently my brother lost a friend in a motorcycle accident the night before. Coho's father died while she was in high school. I think this was what the emotional conversation was about. So she's talking about hurting for this friend, but then she says she hates her. She hates her for being the whistle blower. Immediately my hackles went up. So then the fight begins. This person stood up for what she thought was right, and informed me of the affair. Coho thinks she did it to protect herself (?!?!) Coho thinks she has far worse secrets than Coho has, and this person is a hypocrite. To me, this just says that Coho doesn't own up yet. I don’t care if Hitler informed me of the affair… She says all the right things, but does she feel it? Several more things said, angry outbursts from Coho, defensiveness. It's reinforcing this nagging doubt I have about her motivation for being here.

On top of this, when I read her posts, most of the questions that I want to hear answered just get avoided or danced around. The stuff that truly gets to the heart of the matter? Has it been addressed? Has she addressed boundaries or EP even once? It is this classic sense that the BS has that the WS gets to just return to their life, no consequences, no changes, while the BS has endured the most horrific pain and humiliation and still wants the marriage. Maybe the BS is just the easier choice because the affair got too uncomfortable. [color:#009900] I have felt this way too at times. However, I don't really believe that the bs is every the easier choice. I believe that the easy choice is to leave and not face your demons. It takes courage to face the person that you have hurt most. I believe that the WSs that come home want to be there. [/color]

Now in this whole thing, she repeatedly said she's been trying and I'm not seeing it. I am seeing it. She's trying. One of the first things Dr. Harley told her she must do: She must make sure that I BELIEVE that she understands how deep the hurt is or me. To be blunt? I don't think she does. She just says it's because she doesn't express feelings like me. Well, if they aren't expressed, then I have no idea they're there, do I?

I'd like to be able to chalk this up to the fact that we're only two weeks into recovery #6. I'd like to think that she will continue to want this and continue to seek help and really internalize the very good advice she's getting. That's what I hope. I told I just want to know that I'm not wasting my time, that this won't happen again next time she's unhappy. To this she says I'm being irrational! Again, is this the alcohol? [color:#009900] YES!!! [/color]
I would think this is the NUMBER ONE QUESTION in the BS mind. When she gets a little drunk, do I get to see what's really going on in her head?

I'm just not getting the answers I need, and I'm tired and I love her so much and I don't want to scare her off, but I'm tired of not saying what I feel out of fear. If she's scared off by this, then she doesn't want it badly enough. Question number one answered.

I hope some of you will repeat some of your more pointed questions, and I hope she'll start listening.

She’s going to read this post and it’s just going to make her more defensive and scared. I wish she’d read the post and just see what I need from it and act on it.

I WANT TO KNOW WHY THIS WILL BE DIFFERENT. Top question. Question number ONE.

We agreed to a specific limit on drinking while working on recovery. Yes, alcohol is a problem for us, I agree, but I would like to see if we can behave as responsible adults and just stick to our guidelines before we put a halt to it altogether. Like I said, I think I'll know soon enough if there's a deeper drinking problem, or if this has just been a case of adding fuel to the fire. I think the latter. I hope the latter.

I finished my giant project today with work. Yay! I'm ready for a trip to Mexico with Coho. She was an enormous help with her technical and design expertise.

Her thread has been going down another cruddy discussion of her last marriage which is unfortunate. I understand the controversial nature of the issue, and I think it does little good to try to defend ourselves here, so I'll just leave it up to the individual posters to make up their mind as to helping us or not. Thanks to those who do. Sorry to anyone who is hurt by this. It's kind of weird being hounded by a WS, I have to admit. I would think it'd be a more humbling experience, teaching that people can make mistakes and be forgiven.

Spring is gaining more and more momentum here and drawing my attention to the garden. This is my year to prove that I won't be such a control freak in the garden. Coho, have some fun!

Oh Mexico is going to happen, but it's not a set plan. It's just a 'when we get some money and stability' plan. Now we just need to work on finding enough income to pay the mortgage and bills.

I would dearly like to take some time away with Coho. I hope sooner than later.

It's kind of weird being hounded by a WS, I have to admit. I would think it'd be a more humbling experience, teaching that people can make mistakes and be forgiven.