We had a really nice night last night. Coho made fried chicken. I'm not exaggerating at all when I say it is the best fried chicken in existence. She also made jalapeño hush puppies. Yum! We had some friends and my brother over to watch an MMA fight. A really fun, relaxed time with friends and family. A glimmer of normalcy! Yay!

Just kinda want to write an day in the life, update kinda thing.

My feelings are still all over the place. I probably don't go more than an hour of two without thinking of the affair, without going over some scene or detail in my head, without evaluating my feelings, without slipping into feeling of anger and confusion and hurt. Over and over, the question, "How could you? To me? To us? How could it have turned into this?" I think I will ask that question in my head for a long time to come.

The flipside? It's almost like a honeymoon period or something... Coho continues to keep her spirit up and her effort up and seems to be 'getting it' more and more. I've been so worried that her efforts will just peter out as she gets more comfortable, but I almost feel like she's expanding her efforts and going in a better and better direction. I still have that feeling of needing more acknowledgment and the acuteness of my pain... just afraid she doesn't see that, but on the other hand, she's being very loving and caring of me. I feel myself trusting it more and more, while of course still questioning it.

We're being very romantic and touchy and complimentary of each other. It feels like a connectedness being reestablished.

I don't know when I'm going to be ready to call this recovery and move it into the Recovery section of the Forum, but I think we're getting there. It will have been 3 weeks on Saturday since she was with the Dude. Her session with Dr. Harley was move until Monday, so we'll see where that goes. Her next step is to share the details of the affair with me. This is not going to be fun, but I hope it's a little cleansing at least. I have some very serious doubts that she'll be totally open with me. in the past she has said she would never tell me some things. I think she's implied that it is because she doesn't want to hurt me... I fear it's more because she doesn't want to feel more ashamed.

One of the hardest things for me is this feeling that she's had this whole other life outside me. Different friends, different experiences, a whole other love life. Then she just gets to come back to this, open arms from me. I'm a pretty open book. I have no history, no dark side, nothing she doesn’t know. I wish we shared everything. I hope she understands that I don't have any interest in a marriage where there are huge secrets and whole chunks of life not shared. I think this is the reason for this step - the step of sharing everything about the affair. it's one more step toward intimacy and a shared life and a feeling of closeness and connection.

When I read other early recovery stories, this always strikes me: It seems like the BS just isn't privy to the other person's entire story. There is this reluctance to share it all to truly fully give back. I don't think recovery is possible without this.

Staytogether2 mentioned that there are these magic words and actions that the WS could utter and do that would go miles toward recovery, but we the BS don’t; want to tell them. I feel the EXACT same way. It's a feeling that our spouse should know us well enough to know what we need to be better. Unfortunately, they have all their own feelings of anger, resentment, shame, love and the whole ball of wax, so it clouds their ability to really see what we need. That's why this is such a long hard process I think.

So anyway, aside from the usual roller coaster and the big nasty 900 lb gorilla who never seems too far away, things are going very well.

Did you ever read Josephs letter?

Shocking?

I consider it more an extention of the Grace, God gives me.

Thanks, Lil. That was another fun episode.

Yes, I've read Joseph's letter. Maybe I'll forward it to Coho. I think she gets the idea, I just wonder if getting it will overcome the personal reasons not to tell all. We'll see. I hope she realizes it's an important step to having the marriage we need. I dunno, she said she'd never tell me things a coupel times during our false recoveries. She's acting very differently this time, so maybe she feels different about it now.

I have felt the same way. So many secret friends, secret places. I have felt so left out. We will be out with mutual friends and my husband will mention a restaurant or bar and start talking about it and I have never been there. It makes me sad. We have agreed that I should know his friends and his places. We are getting better. He missed his bar friends at first. He says he doesn't anymore. You are 3 weeks past your last dday. That is a painful, raw, consuming place for your emotions. I am 8 or 9 weeks past the last known contact. I don't think about the affair all day anymore. It does get better. My husband is doing everything that he can to be the husband that I married. His sincerity is visible. This helps so much. It can get better. Hang in there. Try to work on eliminating the lovebusters. I am positive that this makes the road to recovery smoother.

Thanks for the encouragement! And I don't mean to imply that I'm not happy with progress. I am very happy. If this is real, then we're doing so well.

Yes! All the mention of different bars and different restaurants... Some of it is my own doing... Before the affair I just let her go out by herself so much, I missed some of this by choice and I deeply regret it. It's the things shared in the affair that are most painful to think about, and yet another reason to divulge those details. No more wondering about every story and every mention of something outside me. She's doing a great job of being accountable and including me in everything right now. It is getting better and better.

One part of me wants him to take me and introduce me to everyone he knows and everywhere he has been to let everyone know that he has a wife and she doesn't have two heads. I want them to know that I am a decent person with a face. I want to plant my flag in all of those places. Another part of me thinks that this made hinder our recovery because I don't want to trigger him with places that he hung out with the OW. Not sure which plan would be more effective. For now, we are trying to find new places that we can call our own and make new memories.

I'm quite into overwriting. As time has gone on, Flick remembers things from time to time. I don't believe it is all forgotten intentionally, it was an intense time for him as well. Not only because of the A which we KNOW screws up their minds, but also with fred dying.
What we do when he remembers something is go make it our own. I cant say I like the first time we go to place X but I do it with a "get it over and done" thing and I ALWAYS feel better after, even if it's only a case of "ha ha PQ, thats got me feturing in any memory of that place now"
The only place I couldnt do that was her house which has since been sold anyway.
This is also a must and a great idea.

You must be reading my mind.....

If it helps you both, I am 8.5 months into recovery, I still feel somedays are too hard but mostly I have a good life. I go hours without thinking of the A, and when I do think about it its not with the same mental and emotional pain I used to.

Time, time, time.... sick of hearing it yet???

Yes! YES!!! I have that exact feeling!!! I want anyone who knew about the affair or who saw them together to know I'm not a jerk, or that I even exist at all. Or her friends she confided in... I just want them to know that the marriage is far from dead - I want them to know we are in love and making it work. I want HIM to know that we're in love and making it work, not that she's just settling for her kids and her house.

Not sick of hearing it yet. It helps. So, going to the places and meeting people helped you. That is good to know because I have a strong desire to claim these places for myself and my husband. What was flick's reaction? Did it trigger him initially or did it help desensitize him to his memories of him being there with OW?

Yeah, I could hear it a thousand times... it helps. I know she expressed some interest in reclaiming triggers. I like this idea. Some places I have NO desire to ever set foot in again, but others I don't mind reclaiming. I just want to know that I'm there. There is such a sense of foolishness that can go with being the BS - like you're the dummy who everyone is laughing at. Being in a place where they've been without knowing it would very much make me feel this way.

A word of caution: Be careful how you approach this. I apparently did not approach this correctly last night when I requested going to his former haunts. He went off the deep end and was angry with me most of the night. Not sure what the real issue is but wanted to warn you. In retrospect, I may have had a better result if I just showed him this thread and asked him how he felt about it. Just wanted to warn you. It freaked him out to think about taking me to the places that he went with OW.

Hmmm, my first reaction from reading that: He'd be very embarassed to show up with his wife and to have to tell people that all his words and actions of the last few months were BS. It's not our goal to make our WS feel more shamed, but it's most certainly their job to make us feel secure and whole again, so yeah, I can see caution would be advised.

I don't think he has any standing to be angry with you. I hope you can tell him this. You both need to show understanding for each other. Remember, don't be afraid to say how you feel. You're not acting out of fear!

I would be asking what exactly 'freaked' him out over it myself.
Did he want to keep those places special?
Did he think you dont have the right to take those places and make them yours?
Is he trying to protect you from something which might hurt you?
Is he trying to forget those places ever existed?

See, depending on the answer, you could figure out what his actual need is, and POJA something that makes you both happy

He kept repeating that he was afraid that OWH might be there (even though he never was during the affair) and he was afraid that we would get stabbed or shot. I know, very dramatic - and unbelievable. I met OWH and he was a decent, calm, rational guy. He doesn't want anything to do with us. He wants to put his life back together and raise his two small children with his POS wife. I think he would rather see my husband with me than sitting at the bar alone. My husband is either hiding something or is more afraid of running into OW. I don't want to risk breaking NC anyway. Its just not worth it. It would have been a good idea if his reaction wasn't so visceral. It is more important to continue along our path of recovery than to press this point.

OK, bored with a little cabin fever. I'll write to my thread... yeah, that's it!

We've had some very good days this week. Coho is treating me like a king and it makes me slightly uneasy, but mostly I'm just soaking it in. Hasn't been much affair talk over the last few days which is fine. I think as long as she keeps the ball rolling on her side, we'll keep moving forward. I read so many BS saying that they're leading or just plain dragging the WS through recovery. I have a feeling of leading sometimes, but not dragging for the most part. I wish she would take a little more initiative on some of the nuts and bolts - more posts to her thread, more MB materials, more talk of the recovery. It's not a strong complaint because she's doing a great job of meeting my needs, but if we're talking PERFECT recovery... I'm worried that there's an element of fake it til you make it, but I'm also enjoying the heck out of the love and attention and just seeing a softer more patient side of my wife. I don't want it to stop. SF has been phenomenal lately.

Life has slowed down considerably around here and it's a welcome break. I'm starting to get a little antsy... just wishing for some recreation in our lives. A vacation someplace warm would be so restorative. Italian Riviera... Greece... Mexico... Thailand... Viet Nam...

Really looking forward to Summer and BBQs and open windows and mowing the lawn, ha!

If I could just erase the affair from my brain, things are going very well. All the little selfish stuff that builds in a marriage is just gone for me. I have no problem recognizing the big picture and making sure I'm the husband I need to be. I hope that's what it takes. I know the roller coaster will continue. I know we have some tough times ahead, but for this moment, I'm going to just put my rosy colored glasses on and enjoy a bit of happiness. Dear god I hope I'm not jinxing it!

Zen: Hey, it has been waaaay too long since I have been here. I'm a little sick today, so got out of bed in order for wife to get some sleep. And had chance to catch up on your thread.

You are an amazing person my friend! Way to hang in there and keep plugging along with Coho.

I will have to admit, after she got here and I read her thread...then read some of the additional crappy things she was putting you through...well, I was doubtful. I wondered to myself if I could support you in this marraige. There were so many "cons" and not many "pros." Watching her put you through the same ringer over and over again was wearing on me.

But alas my own life took me away from this board for a few weeks (i'll post more on my thread) and now coming back I've got to say I'm very impressed with your resolve!

You stay strong and stay the course. You have strength where others would have given up, folded shop and headed south.

I know it's early in this recovery, but at some point in time Coho is going to break through this fog and realize the wonderful man you really are. And hopefully she will understand what it will take to keep you.

The road is long, my friend, but you are still moving forward! Keep at it! More later...

:twobyfour:

My thoughts exactly, Lildoggie. Thank you.