Absolutely not.

Good call on the VR, get that installed ASAP. Also look into a keylogger.

Why don't you suggest going with him on this trip to her hometown and just see what his reaction is? Could be very telling...or not, if he is gotten good at keeping his cool.

It's nice to know that we are in the same boat. So much of my intel has been blown because of so many d-days that I don't know what I have left. What's been changed around so I can't find out. ?

It's a work trip - bonding thing. He will be with his boss and I have the Ow's H watching her. It's very specific where his will be and when> (I am even too paranoid to say what state and what event). I just feel the internet is not private and she could read this (stupid I know). We will be on vacation together the week before and he planned it. He's very excited about it but then again we went on 3 trips during the A. So this is nothing new. I am very intuitive and can tell when he is acting funny. He just returned from an overnight trip and all is "new normal". I don't know what else to expect. . . this is our new relationship. I can't tell you how many times I said to him and myself . . .I JUST WANT MY OLD HUSBAND BACK!!!

You sitch sounds like mine. I'm going to read your thread. Could be helpful. I don't want him to leave his profession. Any job in this field would involve travel. His computer is "in the shop" right now and he is using mine.

My H was SURE that any job in his profession would involve travel...he eventually found out that didn't. If your M is important enough, something CAN be done about this. His travel was throwing me into nervous breakdowns...and it got WORSE as time went on, not better.

If it's my story you are wanting to read, go back and read prior to March 2007...that is when we were in the false recovery and you can see how bad things were. The end of Feb. 2007 is when I did my major exposure and then immediately went into Plan B...you will see how quiet I get, I knew he was reading here and I was in Plan B.

My H posted a little bit here too...his handle is MFsFWH.

Hey MF. . . So glad I found you again. I spent the weekend reading your story. Yours mirrors mine most closely and I would like to ask for your advice?

Wow, you read my whole story? I can be quite long-winded, can't I??? :MrEEk:

Ask away, no problem...

Thanks . . . I can't begin to tell you how similar our situations are! The drama is so traumatic and I believe the contact has definitely ceased on both of their parts. That is not to say that it couldn't start up again but I don't intend on chasing him around as I did before. This included me flying to So. Cal where she lives etc. etc. Everyone has been exposed so it's no secret. My question for today is this . . . should I still be talking to the OW's H about where my H is traveling? I think he wants to confront him face to face and that would probably not be such a great thing at this point? I am hesitant to post too many details on here because it is a public forum.

If you are concerned that there could still be C, then YES, I recommend you continue talking to OW's H...and I wouldn't let your H know this, either.

You would be SHOCKED at how far underground they can take the A once it is discovered...and while it makes absolutely NO SENSE that a WH would be telling his W the A is over and he wants the M to work, in order to continue getting the admiration and accolades from the OW, he will tell her the M is almost over, you are D'ing, etc. It's a very warped state and I never would have believed my H was capable of this. But affairs turn people into whacked out waywards and they become capable of just about anything.

What is it about my story that sounds like yours?

Sounds like me. . . Your feelings during your false recovery . . .I have 3 small children . . . your triggers . . .infidelity diet, your parents not willing to help with children, your H traveling and calling to extend his trip meanwhile your going crazy with the kids, house etc. he's partying, him telling you to stop playing the victim, Waiting for WS to totally ask for forgiveness by acting like he wanted forgiveness, your contacting the OW, exposing her to her employer, his actions and demeanor while still in touch with OW. We had 2 periods of false recovery . . . the second of which blew me away because I let my guard down. Anyway I also exposed to the employer about 6 months ago and am waiting to hear the final results. I will probably keep in touch with OW's H just in case. I was hoping not to but I feel it is necessary.

Did he ever write a NC letter to the OW?

Is he completely transparent with everything?

A few other things...in order to truly help me feel safe, my H also took a polygraph to prove that NC has been in place since exposure, and he also wrote a post-nup...stating that I get a disproportionate amount of our assets if we ever divorced due to an A, or complete recovery from this one.

This includes both of our houses, 1/2 his 401K (he was going to give me all of his 401K but we were told that no judge would go for that), alimony, child support, etc.

He did this so that I can fully know he is 100% serious about recovery and so that I can let go of some of my worry that his boundaries are so weak (he has had LOTS of boundary issues, even after the A , while we have been in recovery) he will slip back and do something else stupid, making it impossible for me to ever trust him or respect him again.

Is your H willing to do any of this? I've forgotten, does he work with the OW? How did they meet?

Yes to the NC letter and she did the same thing. They do not work together, met in a bar, she pursued him, we live on the East Coast, She West Coast, PA ended Jan 08. He is going there in a few weeks, Ow's H knows but not the exact location. I sort of think she knows but I can't remember if H. told me and I don't want to bring it up. They were in mostly e-mail contact Aug 08 - Oct 08. I have work and personal e-mail passwords and cell phone is co.paid but he is not hiding it. Got rid of previous secret phone. I am now introducing him to the top emotional needs survey etc. without mentioning MB's specifically. Are you right in LA?

So he is going to SoCal, and that is where she lives??

That is not a good situation...H had to travel to Phoenix where the OW lived (this was when we were in SoCal). I was freaked out but he calmed me down by reminding me that he was traveling with 2 co-workers, one of whom had been told that H had an A, and was very savvy because his W left HIM when she had an A, so he was aware of the sitch.

This did nothing...H would hang out with them until 10 or 11 p.m., call me when he got to his room to tell me goodnight and that he loved me, and then open the door a minute later to let OW in. SICK, isn't it???

I HIGHLY recommend that you go with him when he travels. We ended up doing this because I was seriously having nervous breakdowns when he traveled. We are able to post directly to Dr. H because we went on the MBW and he said that my response was NORMAL and to be EXPECTED as long as H continued traveling.

No, we are no longer in SoCal...but we were, in the L.A. area, but on the coast.

I was a wayward with a job that required lots of travel.

I never went to the OM's town. He would fly to the cities I was going to. I had company-paid hotel rooms, so no unusual expenditures. Sometimes I would lengthen my business trip an extra day. I always had evenings and lots of free time during the days. He and I would have a grand time in all the cities we visited.

Hotmail and Yahoo accounts are free. It was easy to set up an email account that my spouse didn't know about.

If he is not REMORSEFUL and willing to HEAL the DAMAGE he's caused, then he's probably still having an affair. Just sayin'

Exactly what I said.


This sounds like you still think of these as "grand times"...I sure hope that is not the case. There is nothing "grand" about times you had with an AP that almost killed your BS.

Well - I will see when he goes since the OW's H is aware and watching her. We call and e-mail eachother. This will be a test once again. I had all the surveillance and crap the first time and her H works with her so we'll see what happens. After that he won't have to be going there for a long while. What I see in my H now is that he is coming back to life a little at a time. He is talking to his family and friends again and we are spending more time together like we used to. Also he planned a trip for just us to take. While he was in the A. he used every excuse to go to CA. I don't want to use a polygraph as I already know the details of what happened during the A. It's the moving into Recovery part that I am looking for and this time for real.

Believe me I suffered enough for everyone. I can't predict what will or will not happen or control it either. I will work a plan of recovery and invite him once again. This worked for a while during our first recovery. There was no contact for 2 months . . . then she decided to apologize and they started talking again. She was telling him to go to MC with me . . . Her H saw the e-mails and called me. The cycle started again . . . e-mails and phone calls (no in person contact. So I am trying for Recovery again.

My H planned a few GREAT trips for us during his A as well...it was very up and down as you can see from my old posts. We had some good times and some very bad times.

Two weeks before d-day#3 was Valentine's Day and he planned a very nice night out for us...sent me flowers like he did just about every year and a nice card. The weekend before d-day#3 we had the house to ourselves (kids were gone), we went to a company party for his work, went out to dinner with friends, had amazing SF...3 days later I discovered the A was still ongoing.

I am not trying to scare you...I have just seen so many false recoveries and there are some signs that clearly point that way and they always raise red flags for me.

Why would you not use a poly to ensure that NC is in place and HAS BEEN since he sent the NC letter???

MF - Our timelines are exactly one year apart. I had the same ups and downs that you did. The no sleeping, anxiety, begging pleading, yelling, screaming etc. etc. etc. My poor children had to endure these emotions. I just don't want to take it as far as the polygraph. I shouldn't have to do that to trust him. I have a few things in place that will tell me for sure and I don't want to post for fear of discovery. This time is the last time. I already have the D plan and agreement written out from last Fall. I will use it if need be. It's a good deal for me and my children. I do not have the support of my family on sticking it out this far. His last 2 contacts with her were just e-mail and that was enough for me. The PA was over since Jan 08 but I know that an EA is just as bad and could turn back into a PA. If he wants to work on US again he will. The exposure and Plan A really served me well . . . now it's up to him and I to work on this.

The best advice I was given, and that I now give, is to RAISE THE BAR HIGH, os...very, VERY high.

I have and I have never regretted it. For me, it's either that or D. I will not settle for crumbs, I have been through far too much to even consider that. Besides that, any further breaches of trust or faulty boundaries and my LB will completely dry up and will not even be open to being filled by him again.

That's just what happens when you have been continually abused, and for good reason. A broken heart can only be healed so many times...