Hi All,

My wife and I have had a great marriage until recently. We belong to a very restrictive church which I left recently for spiritual reasons.

The whole process has been very difficult but I've been able to deal with it well because I'm secure with myself and my wife has shown much love during this time until two days ago.

On Sunday she went to church and she came home a different person. She as been remote towards me since Sunday and started shaking and hitting the bed and me in bed last night after a religious discussion that didn't go well. Nothing hurt physically to me and she was emotionally distraught so I attempted to comfort her but without much luck.

I have to add that I did raise my voice at one point in the discussion prior to her reaction. I realized today that had hurt her terribly.

Now today she has been sending me nasty messages all day. I responded with genuine love to most of them because I was just thinking that this isn't the real her. She seemed to be just suffering during this time. When I came home she yanked my laptop away from me and said she was leaving. I took it back out of shock and then she hit me. I went into the bedroom and she followed me and started hitting me again in the back. I pushed her on to the bed to get her away and she said that she is going to call the cops. There was much verbal insults going on at this time, mostly coming from me. She was icy the whole time. Then she left.

We have been married ten years and I have been hit by her about 5 times since we were married. I have never been physical towards her until this incident today.

%99.9 of the time are marriage has been great and very fulfilling. We have beautiful children together and I want to keep the good thing going.

What do I do?

When she is physically abusive, my suggestion is to take the children and go for a walk or an ice-cream. Before you leave, tell her that you'd like to continue the discussion after you come back, and after she has had some time to calm down.

Abuse has a way of continuing because we don't know enough to set boundaries. We're so taken aback by it, that we're off kilter and have inadvertently given the person an audience. Problem is...like a recalcitrant child having a tantrum, you need to stay calmand not strike back, remove yourself, and give her some time to calm down. If you choose to stay in the house, you need to remove yourself from the room she's in, and basically tell her that you'll talk to her when she brings her voice to a normal level and stops being abusive. She needs to learn that it isn't productive and won't work. If you stay as an audience to the drama, it gives her the idea that it's allowed and acceptable behavior for your relationship.

Likewise, when she is calm and nonabusive in her explanations of her feelings, you need to listen, validate, and make sure you understand what she's saying so that you have a clear understanding of how she's feeling and where she's coming from.

I highly doubt anything strange happened at church to turn her on a dime. It could be that something was said during the sermon that triggered the volcano, but I doubt it actually began there. You could get ahold of the liturgy from Sunday's service and read through it, just in case there is something there that could provide you with better understanding, but my guess is that she's been holding it in. She's upset, I think, about your withdrawal from your faith, and I think the two of you need to discuss it further, in greater depth.

If you can't talk to her in a moment of calm without it turning quickly into something bad, try e-mail, a long-hand letter, etc.

I think she has a lot to say, and your seeming indifference to her angst about it is only riling her more.

I suggest, in a moment of calm, to sit down and say, "Talk to me, honey. I need to know what's going on here. We can get through this together."

Don't rule out a mental condition. See a doctor and have her tested if you can, at a minimum if they find nothing wrong, then they can have her attend a stress/anger workshop. I personally see no other reason for a 350 turnaround, unless you're not telling us the entire story. I am bipolar. I wasn't always this way. I had a nervous breakdown at 23, and the chemicals in my brain changed. I was lucky enough to be treated at the time of onset, as it is a progressive illness.

If this were a woman with an abusive husband, people would be lining up to say take the kids and get out, call the police, file a restraining order, get to a shelter, legally force him out of the house, et cetera before he escalates the violence and winds up killing her or hurting the kids.

Advice to a battered husband should be the same.

If she needs medication - that can be addressed later. If she needs anger management - that can be addressed later. The important thing is for the H and the kids to be safe.

Wow!
Two thoughts.
1) Something has happened. What?
Something you said or did? Affair with congregation member / pastor? Bad sermon?

Mental illness? Brain tumour?? Other organic medical condition?

Can you find out?
- Ask her what's caused the change then listen hard.
- Ask if she'd see a doctor?
- Spy?
- Ask a friend at church for clues?

2) Protect yourself
Leave the room / house / property as needed at the first sign of physical or verbal abuse. Tell her you'll be back soon, happy to resume talking when she's not... [hitting, shouting, name-calling, disrespecting you].

And GO! Ignore efforts to hook you back into the abuse. Keep walking.