Hello. I’m new to this forum. I’ve only responded to one post. <BR>About me: I’ve been married for three years. During that time, my husband has had two affairs. Two months after the first affair ended, he confessed, because the guilt was eating him from the inside out. He promised it would never happen again. Well, it did. My husband, the other woman, and me all work in the same place. The rumors had been flying for a couple months. Every time I asked him, he denied it, saying they were “just friends”. A month ago, the rumors were confirmed, and he confessed. He ended the affair. He says he loves me and that he never meant to hurt me, and that he doesn’t even really know why he did it. I still love him. I told him I would stay with him and work to salvage our marriage if 1. He never ever cheats on me again and 2. He comes to marriage counseling. He agreed. We’ve been to three sessions (even though he whines about it before we go). But he participates fully when we get there. So it seems like everything is in place for us to save our marriage, and end up having a very good marriage. We’re very compatible. But I guess, after this big long rant, it goes back to my original question: when does the hurting stop? When will I trust him? Can I ever trust him? Or is he just “one of those guys” that is incapable of fidelity. Today is another day where I feel so sad and all I want to do is cry, and go down my list of all the reasons he’s cheated, if I were only thinner, prettier, more fun, etc. etc. Today, I feel like the wound is brand new, even though I’m starting to incorporate the truth into my reality. <BR>Thank you for reading, and thank you for responding if you choose to do so. -Marlo<BR>

Marlo,<P>Welcome. I am sorry you have a need to be here. If you need to be here you could have come to a better place. There are some mighty fine people here. They are loving, giving, understanding and very caring.<P>I can only speak for myself and tell you it has been nearly 8 months sense discovery of my husbands 18 months plus affair. It still hurts...I will say this though it is not as gut retching as it once was. I don't know if it ever goes away when thought about. Only time will tell. Others will be able to tell you their experience with this.<P>I will be praying for you.<P>We are here for you. It will be one heck of a roller coaster ride but, if you rely on God and used the MB principles it can work.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Welcome Marlo,<P>Well, my story is that my H betrayed me with two women 12 yrs. ago, and then for good measure, he got mixed up with yet another woman who gave him cards and gifts. He got scared, and ended the "friendship" soon after.<P>Fast forward to this year when I had an affair. Mine lasted three months and has been over for four months.<P>For me, when my H cheated I never fully got over the hurt. Part of the reason for that was that he never considered his affairs real. Long story. But I can say that even today, when I understand what drives a person to do the unthinkable, the pain remains. Not strong. Not consuming. But pain none the less. I don't mean to belittle the pain, but it kind of reminds me of when my favorite dog died three years ago. Sometimes I look at his picture (he was Bo) and cry. There is pain, but it lessons as time goes by. I remember the OW's names, and I remember that one in particular loved Chicago music, so I don't listen to it. <P>Time. That's what it takes. And patience.<P>Best wishes...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Welcome,<P>You have found a good place to vent, learn and teach others!!<P>As for the pain..I really don't think if ever ends fully, just lightens up through time, and the amount of time required might just depend on how your relationship progresses or not. I have never lost a close loved one, other than a pet or two, but think the pain may be something like that. We have all lost a big dream,a valued expectation, and realizing that it is gone for good might be a hard nut to swallow, but then we won't ever be virgins again either, will we... <P>Keep reading..<P>Beth

Marlo,<BR>Had to respond. The pain gets duller as time goes by but it will always be there. Unfortunately, little things will bring up the pain. My h sent her red roses so I cant stand them now. Anyway, you will find comfort and strength here to help you grow.

Marlo,<BR>Had to respond. The pain gets duller as time goes by but it will always be there. Unfortunately, little things will bring up the pain. My h sent her red roses so I cant stand them now. Anyway, you will find comfort and strength here to help you grow.

Marlo,<BR>Welcome. You have picked the best place to come for support and help. I'm not sure the pain ever goes away completely. But it does lessen with time. And time will help with rebuilding trust. Just be patient. <P>------------------<BR>To thy own self be true.<BR>*Viki<P>

Marlo,<BR>Welcome. You have picked the best place to come for support and help. I'm not sure the pain ever goes away completely. But it does lessen with time. And time will help with rebuilding trust. Just be patient. <P>------------------<BR>To thy own self be true.<BR>*Viki<P>

Hi, Marlo: It has been 14 months since I discovered my H had an affair with one of my younger sisters. The pain is not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning. I, like many of the others here, find it can be triggered by things that only seem relevent to me. A song, a word, a phrase, even the type of beer my husband sometimes orders remind me of his affair (She just loooved to suck back Rickerts Red, which my H now has acquired a taste for.)<P>When these feelings come over me, I try to lick my wounds, and get back to the here and now, as quickly as possible. <P>As far as trust, I don't think I will ever fully trust him again, although I "feel" that he is not cheating now, nor has any inclinations to do so in the near future.<P>We are also in joint counselling, and that is the one thing that has made the difference between the success/failure of our marriage. We started last Nov. and like your H, mine would make loud noises before going to the sessions, and then sit with his arms crossed over his chest. At that time, our counsellor didn't ask for too much feedback from my H, and waited until he was more comfortable with expressing his feelings to her. Well, 11 months later, there are times I can't get a word in edgewise. I have found out more about his feelings lately, than I have in the past 35 years.<P>The one promise that we made to one another when we started counselling, was that whatever was discussed during our sessions, would stay in her office, and not be brought home with us. With the exceptions of a few "quite" rides home, we have succeeded in doing what we promised. We both have difficulty with our disagreements, as we tend to try to outyell each other, and of course, nothing ever gets solved. So now, unless it is a major problem, we wait until our session, and bring it up on "neutral" ground. So far, most everything has been solved without any problems.. <P>Just keep on doing what you are doing, and things will get better in time. Sending good thoughts your way.<p>[This message has been edited by why me (edited October 20, 1999).]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm feeling better today, but the pain still simmers under the surface. It's just not quite as intense. You are all correct, it will take me time and patience. <P>One thing that I'm battling with is this nagging feeling that I'm being a "weak" woman, that after two affairs, I should dump him and move on. There are all kinds of cliches to reinforce these thoughts: "once bitten, twice shy", "the first time you hurt me it's your fault, the second time, it's my fault" blah blah blah. And yet, I love him so much, and I've examined my feelings a lot, and I don't think it's dysfunctional neediness. And he says he loves me. And so far, he's proving it. <P>This morning, I was feeling insecure. I asked him to tell me that "he loves me, and he'll never cheat on me again, and he wants only me", and he did say it, and he was sincere. <P>Even all of this enormous pain hasn't quite killed the optimist in me, that believes that love can conquer all, along with a lot of hard work.

Marlo,<BR>You will have lots of ups and downs. Go with your heart and don't worry about what anyone says or thinks about your choice. You are stronger for trying to salvage your marriage. Lots of good people make bad choices and I think deserve another chance. I'm in recovery now for 4 months and my H had a one night indiscretion with a "friend" and once while we were dating. He is very remorseful and trying hard like your H sounds like he is. It will take a lot of time and work but I'm with you, it will be worth it in the end. Love can conquer all! You found a good place to vent and also learn from others further along in "recovery" than yourself. It's been a great place for me!

Pilot's Wife-Thank heavens we'll never be virgins again!!! <P>Why Me-I'm hopeful the loud noises (lol) prior to counseling sessions will start to quiet down. This week, our counselor gave us homework. We have to do a timeline of the big events in our lives. My H is convinced it's a test to flesh out his flaw of procrastination. But we actually do a lot of talking about the therapy session when we're outside of it. We both have a remarkable gift for frank and calm discussion, even when things are quite crazy. So far, we haven't had any huge yelling matches about what we've said in therapy. What I say in session is not all that different from what I say to him in "real" life.<P>kris10-thank you for reassuring me that I am strong for wanting to stay in my marriage and try. And thank you for the reminder that everyone screws up (literally and figuratively), and if a person is sincere, they deserve to be forgive.<P>Everyone-thank you for reaffirming that the pain does lessen over time. You are all very kind. I hope I can offer constructive comments to the various discussions.<P>