My bf and are have been together 6 years and engaged for wedding this summer. We had constant problems with ow in the past, but he proposed and made promise that he would never do it again. In my eyes, he's a changed man.

On V-day, we ended up in a conversation that led him to saying he needed space and he didn't know we just wern't getting along, and he thought it would get better but didn't. When I asked him why he cited financials and why we didn't have enough to get married. Everything seem to be fine.

Out of the blue Sunday I just sensed something and started asking questions which led his Monday morning confession that he was a sex addict. That there was no one else. I don't believe this. He used to have to have multiple women, but he is not heavy into porn or anything like that. And he made a commitment to me that I thought was impossible for him to do so I just didn't buy the sex addict thing. Which led him to tell me about her.

They met at a bar, he doesn't know how long it's been going on, but he wants to do something but he doesn't want to do something. He hasn't done anything yet, but he almost has a couple of times. We had a long discussion - he said he has feelings for her.

I told him that I love him more today than I did yesterday. It just meant so much to me, that he would talk to me before doing anything. He seems real concerned about hurting me and he really seems like he wants to work it out. I know this man very well, and the part that is confussing me so much is his confession and him not doing something because he loves me. He would have never done this in the past.

He's making comments like what if I'm upset with u, what if I'm in a particular mood that causes me to do something I regret. He seems really sad and he says he's confused he doesn't know what he want's to do. And that she has only a little to do with it. He also said that I am more important.

I just need some support - together we have been raising my two children age 9 and 6. This is my family. and sense I am somewhat familiar with MB and sense I was so close to being his wife it just means more to me than a bf.

Also, he said he feels smothered and that we are not reaching our goals (financials) and I never asked him to stay or go - He doesn't want to go... atleast not yet. He said he hopes it works out.

I checked his vm this morning...she was on there. I always check his vm and she's never been on there before. He does not know his vm password so only I can here what she is saying. She said "hi, just calling to let you know I'm leaving work and on the way to your cousins house" I don't think he went. I asked him and came up with some stuff about why I thought his cousins house was the place.

me: 34 divorced/engaged
him: 35 Never married
2mine+2his = our 4 kids
living together for 6 -engaged for 3 this summer (my choice for long engagement because of stuff with ow early in relationship) but since engagement he has had no problems until now.

You might want to read the book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. It is available on this website. Living together before marriage doesn't set you up for a great marriage. You're not married yet. I would be very cautious.

Yes, I understand that. 1st thank you for the reply

I told him flat out we are not married if we were married this would be different and that although I feel like his wife I was having a hard time deciding from which angle to deal with this gf vs. wife. But, because I consider myself to have learned so much about marriage from previous. I know that we can get through this. The difference between 6 mths from now (wedding day) and today are words and sacred vows, that we may never take. But in our hearts we are h and w.

I sincerely appreciate the word of caution and u r right to give it.

bf and I have been renters but we've worked hard and have made individual sacrafices to be buyers.

Right now I am here as a w and I respect him as my H, for communicating with me so intimately his secrets. Perhaps, I'm crazy, but it seems like such a milestone and if we ever get to legitimate H&W, I think this would have only made us stronger.

I asked him to pray with me this morning and we knelt down hand and hand and I said a short prayer (help us, show us the way to go, and protect us)... we've never done that. We're not die hard Christians... don't even go to church every month. Do renters do this - It's not like I'm doing it by myself. He's participating.

Forgive me, part venting... It really helps to write.

HG,

It doesn't sound like the bf/H wants to get married.

35 years batchen it and now he is facing the "end of the road/world".

Plus now you have another OW, after the previous OW from a while back?

But you are going to plow on ahead and get past this hump? And MAKE it work?

You may want to postpone the wedding and take some deep breaths.

""he doesn't know how long it's been going on,"" OH come on now, mister!

You now get to start going through all the crap a BS must go through like getting your ticket punched for the roller-coaster, EXPOSING, which is always fun, getting him to write the NC LETTER, which ranks right up there....then SNOOPING and SNOOPING, making sure there is no contact, checking the VM, looking at the phone bills to see if he called her, getting the GPS for his car, hiding the voice activated recorder in it too, etc. etc.

""I told him that I love him more today than I did yesterday. It just meant so much to me, that he would talk to me before doing anything.""

But not as much as tomorrow??

You really are trying to make sweet, sweet lemonade out of this, which may not be the total path you should be following. Take those couple grains of salt with it too.

""He's making comments like what if I'm upset with u, what if I'm in a particular mood that causes me to do something I regret. He seems really sad and he says he's confused he doesn't know what he want's to do. And that she has only a little to do with it. He also said that I am more important""

The FOGBABBLE is getting as thick as pea soup and there is a reason for this. Make sure you understand what the reason or reasons are i.e. fear of the M word and getting addicted to the bar chick.

Maybe get a little backbone going and not put up with it.

Are you more afraid the M is not going to happen more what his true feelings are becoming?

IMHO

kirk

HG,

I just noticed in your signature that he has 2 kids but never married?

So why change things?

kirk

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

Let me clarify the previous ow is plural. Multiple, one this week and another next week all while telling me that he loved me but never really showing it.


I think he is scared of M and what could happen w/ ow. And I think he's disappointed in himself... thus "I can't be trusted" He is someone that was addicted to women b4 and it's like a recovering alchoholic remembering that the bar is still on the corner. He watches it, He goes in, he craves it and fears where it will lead.

I'm more concerned about his true feelings than M. I think if I had done better at meeting EN - he would not be so scared of M (failure).

Kirk, I want to have back bone. But if he's such a low down dirty dog, why is he treating our relationship like a union that matters, and his A like an A... like mistake. like threat. Why is someone that always had and enjoyed and seem to hurt multiple women at his beckon call, acting so differently this time.

HG,

""Multiple, one this week and another next week all while telling me that he loved me but never really showing it.''

Was this is a while ago or just lately?

""why is he treating our relationship like a union that matters, and his A like an A... like mistake. like threat.""

Like a mistake??? Well YYEEEAAAHHH, this would be a mistake.

Like a THREAT?? Give me a break!

HG, please read your line above a couple times out loud and listen to what you are saying.

SO HE IS THE POOR INNOCENT BEING STALKED BY THE SULTRY BAR CHICK?

The threat is the addiction he is experiencing from the feel good feelings he experiences when he is with the OW...or maybe ANY OW. All the other women.

Reminds me of Charly Sheen on 2 1/2 Men. Some guys are players, viewing women as conquests. This is how they define themselves.

So will he or will he not stop seeing the OW? And if not, what is your plan?

kirk

hisgirl, he has given you a gift. That gift is the truth that he is not marriage material. Accept the gift for what it is instead of trying to justify what he is doing.

ff is RIGHT ON...and I would add to the end of this..."and high-tail it out of there!".

He has already had multiple OW and you are not even married yet...if you marry him, you will be back on this website VERY SOON as a BW. You do not want that!

RUN RUN RUN!!

Kirk,

I appreciate you talking to me not just about the fact that I'm not married. Thank you.



A long while ago, he has been completely faithful for several years up until this point. A changed man. Really.

No. I'm sure they have pursued each other.

Some guys are players, viewing women as conquests. This is how they define themselves.

Yes, that's my guy. I was a conquest that stuck.

I don't want to try and justify it, but it is not his MO to do something like this. I exposed him to his brother, like me he is shocked that bf is having EA & confessed. We agreed that bf (from past), would have slept w/ ow, thought nothing of it, and attempted to lie under a rug, never yeilding (even faced with evidence) to the truth.

That is why I came here. The difference between now and than, is great. And I feel like I owe it to myself to find out why. I don't know...I'm confused.


First, let me say, at this point I am not just going to lie down and trust everything that he says. I have made it very clear that I want ow gone. Honestly, he is displaying some old traits when this subject is brought up. So my guess is that she will be around for a while or atleast he will not deal with her disposal in the most direct way. This is not a decision that I can make for him. But, unfortunately, I do not think that I intend on going out without a fight. .

I asked him to delete and block her number from his phone. He said he did not have number and that he would block when she calls. He does not want to stop talking to her. I know he is talking and deleting call history. He keeps his phone on vibrate, which he wasn't doing two weeks ago so this thing must be fairly new, not the meeting but the phone. I don't think he met her at the bar! I think he met and meets her at his cousins house, but he doesn't want me to know that because the cousins house will than be some type of evil in my eyes. Lots of people are always hanging at cousins house...so I suspect they haven't had much alone time. I will confirm this very soon, when I call his provider and have his account code text to his phone while he's sleeping.
I'm also, leaning heavy on my spiritual strength and asking for guidance there.

I'm really Plan Aing, standing my ground and not speaking about ow. If he's him ole self, he'll start speaking and sneaking even more. If he's trying to do something different, I'm trying to help him. I will even go so far as to rain on their meeting spot. I know it's the cousins house, but he thinks it's an assumption on my part. Funny... he always invites me over there. Matter of fact the other night he invited me, the same night ow left msg. that she was going there. I should have went... but he knows I rarely go over there. I might need to change that.

Sorry so long....just processing.

IMHO, you are being scammed by him. You should try very hard to pull yourself up above the drama and look at what is really going on.

Your fiance wants to have sex with another woman and maintain his relationship with you. (Which is called cake eating around here.) Most just do that and hide it from you. Which most likely he did. But if he didn't, all he did was decide to change tactics.

How 'bout I just tell her first. Tell her I have a problem with it. Then he's the honest and noble victim of cicumstance. So now he's got you cornered. He knows you don't want to end it with him. But an "open" marriage is out of the question. (allthough I wouldn't be surprised if he proposes that as a solution to the dilemma.) So he needs to give you something to hang your hat on. Appeals to your nurturing side as the good hearted, but ultimately broken individual. And you accept, cause your afraid to end things with him. Then he is home free. Sleeps around whenever and when you complain about it, he just tells you he told you it would happen. His sleeping around isn't the cause of your pain, (cause he can't help it) it's you choosing to be with a man who sleeps around causing your pain.

There are millions upon millions of married or engaged men out there who know somebody other than their wife or fiance that they would like to have sex with. And the vast majority aren't going to come home and ask wife/fiance for permission to do it. Fortunately, most have the moral character to know they shouldn't do it. (shouldn't sleep with her or ask to do it.) And the other ones don't do it because they know they would get a swift kick to the groin, a series of rapid fire questions about how they got so stupid, and a clear directive to shape up or move on.

I think the later is pretty good advice for your situation.

Yes not being married to this loser is a gift...run. If this is all true then set your standards higher in future relationships. When the bar is laying on the ground in the dirt you can't complain when you get what you expect.

HG,

""Yes, that's my guy. I was a conquest that stuck.""

YYEEEOOUUUCH!! :MrEEk:

Please tell me you were not married at the time he conquered you!

OK, you can plan A which is good but the full plan A is the carrot and THE STICK! The stick meaning you do all in your power to break up the A. Talk to his cousin. Show up at his cousin's. Talk to the hang outers at his cousins.

Find out about this OW. Is she married? Boy Friend? AND EXPOSE!!

Plus keep snooping to get the proof of the A.

Or tell him to take his two kids and hit the road, unless he totally cuts it off with OW NOW!! Go ballistic on him, go red in the face with spittle flying from your mouth and your eyes bugging out of your head.....or not..,that would be an LB.

There are many here that are telling you to run for the hills. I think there will be much less heartache for you if this is what you did.

IMHO

kirk

I completely agree...

He is SOOOO lying to you sweetie! You can do much better for yourself then this! I heard about the same story from my XH and we were together for 15 yrs.

This is NOT marriage material, please don't make excuses for him...it is what it is...black and white...

Some of what you guys r saying is right. If I told more, maybe you could understand better.

For instance, He did scam in the beggining he was a worthless, lovable dog. I am a LBer, with what some may consider anger issues. At the end of the cheating years, I was ready to kill him, so he had to make a decision to be faithful or be gone. I told him that I could not promise not to be "nasty" in response to me finding out about owomen. I have not been a saint... I get angry and LB for no reason sometimes. He cited this when mentioning the ow.

1. He may be confessing out of fear of what I will do if I find out. Matter factly, I told him to be honest with me so that I can process and not have to do the anger thing. It worked.

2. He may be confessing so that he can do it and not be responsible.

3. His brother thinks he's confessing because he wants me to get my issues together.

4. He is scared of M (failure)

5. He is scared that he might not be ready. Like he likes to hang out with his family (and possibly sleep with ow)

6. He loves me, he wants to be responsible and he wants to work things out. (wouldn't u believe this if your spouse confessed)

7. His mind is made up and he doesn't want to be w/ me or married and he just doesn't have the heart to straight up tell me. He's putting poop in the pot, hoping that I smell it and do just what you guys have suggested.

8. He wants his cake and eat it too... this is scary. One minute he wants to have sex with ow, doesn't know about us and the next minute he's planning the grocery list for next week.

I was not married when with him.

I'm not in pain today. I know this can change in an instant
we've been spending more time together. I think I fixed his phone so it won't ring, no vm from ow though. He might be catching her calls, calling her or using the direct connect which is hard to trace. He demonstrated to me how his phone is not ringing. LOL. He may have warned her about leaving vm since he doesn't know password. The cousin can pass messages for them and I know she will. Backstaber. She used to tell me every move he made.

I know that you feel like everybody is picking on you and you might feel attacked. But you don't want to see what is so plain to everybody else. You have a history with him. That makes it hard to cut your losses. How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice before you see this for what it is? He is not marriage material for you. That is why you aren't married. Even if you do wrestle him down the aisle, he is not going to change. Look at the title to your thread. He is not lying. He is telling you the truth and you don't accept it. You have to accept the truth. "He can't be trusted". Don't waste your life and your children's childhood on this man. Do you really want your kids to learn from him? He is a role model. You would be better off alone. Really. He is not a buyer. Never was.

hisgirl,

With all of the men there are in this world, why would you settle for one who's already cheated on you, and who is torturing you with it again, today?

You are worth SO much more than this kind of treatment. You are young...so much life ahead of you. And you are about to throw it away. Love should not be this blind!

Yes, yes. You LOVE him. Please see a therapist to help you see why you are settling for a "love" that hurts this much...and why you would consider making it permanent. This is as much about YOU as it is about HIM.

This man has PROVEN himself untrustworthy, over and over again. He is doing it now. If you marry him, you are asking for a lifetime of stretches when he is faithful, and periods of time when he is not. And you will be miserable, knowing you chose it.

Examine why your first marriage didn't work out. Look for the similarities, even if you think there are none. You will find clues there.

I'd say, do whatever you have to do to break away from this emotional meatgrinder. All you have to look forward to are empty words and broken promises.

He will NOT protect you. You must protect YOURSELF and your kids from this heartbreak.

I am so sorry.

Right Here Waiting

Hisgirl, you are getting great advice here. You need to run for your life and never look back. He is a free agent and is not obliged or committed to you in any way.

Furthermore, he is not marriage material and you know this. Why would you subject your children to such an unsuitable man in such an unsuitable shack up situation? Its one thing for you to make foolish choices, but criminal to subject them to this sordid, instability. What a horrible lesson you are teaching your children about adult relationships.

You cannot change this man. If you were foolish enough to ever marry him, you would only be damning yourself to a life of hell from his cheating. You would be volunteering for it. Why not cut this nonsense and suffer some short term pain in lieu of a lifetime of pain.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but you are old enough to know better than this. Its time to start making responsible decisions.

You guys r right . He's doing the same thing to me that he did before. Really, the only difference is that he's being somewhat honest and the only reason he's doing that is because he knows me well enough to know that I will figure it out. I knew what I had to do to figure out what was going on and I did it. I got into his account and I can see everything. He knows that I can see. I did some stuff to his phone that he has to be suspicious about. I called her, but when I did it deleted the fact that she called him first, which he already knew. So, I had to go through and delete all of his call history from yesterday. Since he's been having problems with his phone (like it's failure to ring...me too) I thought he would look at this as some type of phone glitch and not me infultrating the system I am good at this.... Wonder why

Thank you guys for responding...the support is unbelievable, I swear I just don't know what I would do. I can't talk to anybody about this because I'm embarrased. I probably keep going back and fourth for a little while. this weekend.... my first instinct is to hang on his angle and go everywhere he lets me. Who knows he may have a secret date in which case I would not be invited. My other instinct is to just get into myself. And let him go, he's going to find a way to call her if I'm there or not... and she could even be right under my nose...this has happend before. Anyway, he's a master minipulator of time, so we'll see what he comes up with.

...and this is NOT the way you want to live the rest of your life, right?

Please find a counselor who will help you detach from this toxic relationship and avoid another down the road. You deserve so much better. Believe that.