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So, you work with the OW? You say that the affair is over but you are still talking to OW? You are worried that they will find out at work? Oh boy! You are fooling yourself if you think that you can work on your marriage and build love for your wife while spending time with OW. What is changing in June? Are you transferring? The no contract rule is non-negotiable if you want your marriage. You must end contact completely. No gray area here.
Over it.
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I'm sorry that its offending you in some way. It's only offensive because you came onto a MARRIAGE BUILDING site with very specific ways to mend marriages and fall back in love, and you are completely ignorant of these concepts and begin giving advice that is CONTRARY to what this site is about. But even if I had read all of the books suggested here, I would still feel the same way. You might not, how would you know if you haven't read the books? It all makes perfect sense, fits together like a puzzle, and most importantly...IT WORKS!! I am simply offering a different route. Forgive me for having a mind of my own. No one is talking about not "having a mind of your own", but rather about etiquette...it's RUDE to come onto a specific MARRIAGE BUILDING site and begin offering advice completely contrarty to what this site is all ABOUT. Would you go onto a website devoted to vegetarians and begin telling them that their "program" doesn't work and that they should really be eating meat??? And then claim it's just another "viewpoint"? Probably not...the website was CREATED to promote vegetarianism and it would be considered RUDE to jump in there and begin promoting something that contradicts what the website was created for.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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With that in mind, here's a question that goes against what I've seen recommended here and I'd like your perspective. I want to find a way to avoid all contact with OW but if I do that at work, the affair will be obvious to everyone. Any ideas? I only have to deal with this until the end of June and then no contact will be easy. Nothing of any substance is going to happen while you are still in C with the OW, even at work. You are still way foggy and you will be as long as there is C. I believe you said the OW is moving out of the country in June...if one of you won't quit and you are in constant C until then, your best bet is to wait that out, get through withdrawal, and then begin trying to mend your M. It would be unfair to tell your W you want to fix the M while you are still in C. That would be torturous for her AS WELL AS completely disrespectful. You have disrespected her enough and disrespect is a LBer...don't do this to her. Just my $.02 worth, as a BW.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I am sorry I meant no harm. I don't want to do anything but help. Frankly I have helped another man decide to get a divorce and how to become more involved with his children and eventually move on with his life from his previous marriage. It was all done anonymously. And he helped me with some of what I was going through at the time as well. There was no affair, just simply two people helping each other. Nothing more, nothing less. I am taking everything that is said here and learning, that is why I am still interacting with the threads. I am taking it all in and I will use every suggestion given to me until I find the right one that fits my situation. However at first all I got was the same thing over and over, and I was hoping that there would be a little bit of difference in everyone's answers. Because what worked for you may not work for me. Not saying I won't try it, but it may not work, hence the need for varying suggestions. But you know what this thread is not about me, its about Fred. So lets let Fred take what ever advice that he wants. Frankly I'm aware that I have offered unusual advice, but that advice was directed to Fred. If he wants to take it, fine, if not, fine. I am sorry that it differs from the opinions of all of those that have been here much longer than I have. But maybe a fresh take on things might not be such a bad idea. I only hope that Fred gets the advice that he needs since this is his thread. Fred, please get Surviving the Affair if you don't have it already. It has great insight regarding recovering from and preventing affairs. LoveBusters is an excellent book to help you interact with you wife in a way that will help you fall back in love with each other. MelodyLane has been here a long time and is fully recovered. She doesn't pull any punches and she is fiercely pro-marriage. Which is what we need at this website. These techniques do work! They are not just another way to look at things. They really work if both parties are willing to try. I'm sorry about this, Fred, but I can't stand by and say nothing. First: Are we done picking on Lacey now, Folks? In the first place, stillstanding, the words you highlighted were in response to another post about talking to someone offline...as if Lacey would have an affair that way. She helped a person who was going through a hard time to get through it. She did not have an affair with him. That sort of thing is not IN her. I know, I've helped a few people that way myself and did NOT get sexually involved with them. Second: Lacey knows about MB, she may not know everything but she knows about MB because I told her about it when I came here and sought help and received it. She knows that the plans have worked for me. So can we PLEASE cut the sarcasm? Thank you, Charlotte
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First: Are we done picking on Lacey now, Folks? Nobody is picking in her, she is giving advice that is contradictory and confusing to what this website is all about...ESPECIALLY to a newbie. That is not fair to people who are unfamiliar with MB, like Fred.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I am sorry I meant no harm. I don't want to do anything but help. Frankly I have helped another man decide to get a divorce and how to become more involved with his children and eventually move on with his life from his previous marriage. It was all done anonymously. And he helped me with some of what I was going through at the time as well. There was no affair, just simply two people helping each other. Nothing more, nothing less. I am taking everything that is said here and learning, that is why I am still interacting with the threads. I am taking it all in and I will use every suggestion given to me until I find the right one that fits my situation. However at first all I got was the same thing over and over, and I was hoping that there would be a little bit of difference in everyone's answers. Because what worked for you may not work for me. Not saying I won't try it, but it may not work, hence the need for varying suggestions. But you know what this thread is not about me, its about Fred. So lets let Fred take what ever advice that he wants. Frankly I'm aware that I have offered unusual advice, but that advice was directed to Fred. If he wants to take it, fine, if not, fine. I am sorry that it differs from the opinions of all of those that have been here much longer than I have. But maybe a fresh take on things might not be such a bad idea. I only hope that Fred gets the advice that he needs since this is his thread. Fred, please get Surviving the Affair if you don't have it already. It has great insight regarding recovering from and preventing affairs. LoveBusters is an excellent book to help you interact with you wife in a way that will help you fall back in love with each other. MelodyLane has been here a long time and is fully recovered. She doesn't pull any punches and she is fiercely pro-marriage. Which is what we need at this website. These techniques do work! They are not just another way to look at things. They really work if both parties are willing to try. I'm sorry about this, Fred, but I can't stand by and say nothing. First: Are we done picking on Lacey now, Folks? In the first place, stillstanding, the words you highlighted were in response to another post about talking to someone offline...as if Lacey would have an affair that way. She helped a person who was going through a hard time to get through it. She did not have an affair with him. That sort of thing is not IN her. I know, I've helped a few people that way myself and did NOT get sexually involved with them. Second: Lacey knows about MB, she may not know everything but she knows about MB because I told her about it when I came here and sought help and received it. She knows that the plans have worked for me. So can we PLEASE cut the sarcasm? Thank you, Charlotte I was not being sarcastic at all. Lacy has admitted to help another person decide towards divorce. That is not what Fred is wanting. I never implied that she was having an affair with anybody. I don't know her and wish her success with her marriage. Her advice is counter to the Marriage Builders basic principles. She is still learning and working through her issues as are most of us here. I am not a veteran here but would hate to contribute to anyone's divorce. I recommended reading the Marriage Builders books that I have read that have helped me. No sarcasm intended.
Over it.
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First: Are we done picking on Lacey now, Folks? Nobody is picking in her, she is giving advice that is contradictory and confusing to what this website is all about...ESPECIALLY to a newbie. That is not fair to people who are unfamiliar with MB, like Fred. I agree, it is VERY unfair to a newbie to hear this without someone coming behind to clear up that what they are being told is NOT MB-geared advice, especially since they specifically came to MB and not some of the other infidelity sites that more or less only hand-hold with no solid advice. DM, I'm really surprised that you are defending GL so strongly. You could be TEACHING instead of encouraging it. No one is picking on her, we're just making sure that the original poster is aware that some of what is being "advised" is not pro-MB. And... most people wouldn't be posting "advice" (maybe support but not advice) to others when they've only been here less than a month asking for advice in their own marriage.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 04/01/09 11:02 AM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I am sorry I meant no harm. I don't want to do anything but help. Frankly I have helped another man decide to get a divorce and how to become more involved with his children and eventually move on with his life from his previous marriage. It was all done anonymously. And he helped me with some of what I was going through at the time as well. There was no affair, just simply two people helping each other. Nothing more, nothing less. I am taking everything that is said here and learning, that is why I am still interacting with the threads. I am taking it all in and I will use every suggestion given to me until I find the right one that fits my situation. However at first all I got was the same thing over and over, and I was hoping that there would be a little bit of difference in everyone's answers. Because what worked for you may not work for me. Not saying I won't try it, but it may not work, hence the need for varying suggestions. But you know what this thread is not about me, its about Fred. So lets let Fred take what ever advice that he wants. Frankly I'm aware that I have offered unusual advice, but that advice was directed to Fred. If he wants to take it, fine, if not, fine. I am sorry that it differs from the opinions of all of those that have been here much longer than I have. But maybe a fresh take on things might not be such a bad idea. I only hope that Fred gets the advice that he needs since this is his thread. Fred, please get Surviving the Affair if you don't have it already. It has great insight regarding recovering from and preventing affairs. LoveBusters is an excellent book to help you interact with you wife in a way that will help you fall back in love with each other. MelodyLane has been here a long time and is fully recovered. She doesn't pull any punches and she is fiercely pro-marriage. Which is what we need at this website. These techniques do work! They are not just another way to look at things. They really work if both parties are willing to try. I'm sorry about this, Fred, but I can't stand by and say nothing. First: Are we done picking on Lacey now, Folks? In the first place, stillstanding, the words you highlighted were in response to another post about talking to someone offline...as if Lacey would have an affair that way. She helped a person who was going through a hard time to get through it. She did not have an affair with him. That sort of thing is not IN her. I know, I've helped a few people that way myself and did NOT get sexually involved with them. Second: Lacey knows about MB, she may not know everything but she knows about MB because I told her about it when I came here and sought help and received it. She knows that the plans have worked for me. So can we PLEASE cut the sarcasm? Thank you, Charlotte I was not being sarcastic at all. Lacy has admitted to help another person decide towards divorce. That is not what Fred is wanting. I never implied that she was having an affair with anybody. I don't know her and wish her success with her marriage. Her advice is counter to the Marriage Builders basic principles. She is still learning and working through her issues as are most of us here. I am not a veteran here but would hate to contribute to anyone's divorce. I recommended reading the Marriage Builders books that I have read that have helped me. No sarcasm intended. She's been taking it up the wazoo since she posted on that other thread yesterday. No, you don't help someone decide on divorce. It is a big decision and only that person that's making that decision can make it. What she did was help someone who was in pain and talked to them. Getting a divorce is only something you can decide for yourself if your situation warrants it. I'm sorry, I wasn't singling you out about the sarcasm...it's just that you zeroed in on one or two lines that were posted in defense of something else posted. Lacey came here for help and I have been bumping her thread a lot but she hasn't gotten very many posts. This upsets me. Now everyone is jumping on her and that upsets me too because she needs help. Charlotte
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First: Are we done picking on Lacey now, Folks? Nobody is picking in her, she is giving advice that is contradictory and confusing to what this website is all about...ESPECIALLY to a newbie. That is not fair to people who are unfamiliar with MB, like Fred. I agree, it is VERY unfair to a newbie to hear this without someone coming behind to clear up that what they are being told is NOT MB-geared advice, especially since they specifically came to MB and not some of the other infidelity sites that more or less only hand-hold with no solid advice. DM, I'm really surprised that you are defending GL so strongly. You could be TEACHING instead of encouraging it. No one is picking on her, we're just making sure that the original poster is aware that some of what is being "advised" is not pro-MB. And... most people wouldn't be posting "advice" (maybe support but not advice) to others when they've only been here less than a month asking for advice in their own marriage. I encouraged her to come here for help. Charlotte
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I encouraged her to come here for help.
Charlotte I encouraged her to get the MB books from her library - and I am not being sarcastic!
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Then maybe you can encourage her to really listen and learn for a while before she starts posting "advice" to other newbies?
Perhaps people aren't posting on her thread much because she is posting everywhere else and is argumentative and defensive. I dunno. I guess you know her better than us, but it's still bad form to post advice (as opposed to support) to a newbie when you're a newbie in trouble yourself.
I think we've TJ'd Fred's thread enough. Agreed?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I encouraged her to come here for help.
Charlotte I encouraged her to get the MB books from her library - and I am not being sarcastic! I am sorry, it just hit me that way because I feel like she is being picked on. For the record, our library has zilch when it comes to relationship books--BELIEVE ME, I checked, LOL!! Unless you'd like to use romance novels...NOT!! I'm actually contemplating donating most of the ones I bought on Amazon before I found MB. I don't have SAA anymore, though, I loaned it to my former IC and never saw him again after I filed. Charlotte
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Then maybe you can encourage her to really listen and learn for a while before she starts posting "advice" to other newbies?
Perhaps people aren't posting on her thread much because she is posting everywhere else and is argumentative and defensive. I dunno. I guess you know her better than us, but it's still bad form to post advice (as opposed to support) to a newbie when you're a newbie in trouble yourself.
I think we've TJ'd Fred's thread enough. Agreed? She didn't start posting elsewhere really until the last couple of days or so. Yes, I know her well. She is my DIL and a very good friend. In this part of the world, it's been her and Shiny who have been my rocks for support, in the physical realm, I mean. Not online. And yes, I don't want to hijack poor Fred's thread anymore. I am very sorry, Fred! Charlotte
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So, you work with the OW? You say that the affair is over but you are still talking to OW? You are worried that they will find out at work? Oh boy! You are fooling yourself if you think that you can work on your marriage and build love for your wife while spending time with OW. What is changing in June? Are you transferring? The no contract rule is non-negotiable if you want your marriage. You must end contact completely. No gray area here. Yes, I work with the OW and she is leaving permanently in June.
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I'm actually contemplating donating most of the ones I bought on Amazon before I found MB. I don't have SAA anymore, though, I loaned it to my former IC and never saw him again after I filed.
Charlotte A lot of the fundamentals discussed in the MB books are also discussed on the MB website. It might be good idea for Lacey to peruse the rest of the website to get a better understanding of them. Note: "understand" does not necessarily mean "agree"
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Yes, I work with the OW and she is leaving permanently in June. Do you realize that every day you continue to work with the OW is another love-buster in your W's eyes?
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Nobody is picking in her, she is giving advice that is contradictory and confusing to what this website is all about...ESPECIALLY to a newbie. That is not fair to people who are unfamiliar with MB, like Fred. I'm not a complete newbie, since I found this site in 2007 and tried to use the MB philosophy to fix my marriage when I was the BS. I haven't read the books, but I'm convinced my marriage would have been saved at that time if I could have convinced my wife to follow the program. And I don't think my affair would have happened. I really appreciate everyone's input and as much and I don't like seeing GL get jumped on like this, I have learned even more from it. Thank you GL and everyone else.
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If your wife followed the MB program now, she would be encouraged to expose you at work. Are you really going to put your recovery on hold for two more months while waiting for the OW to go away quietly?
Over it.
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Yes, I work with the OW and she is leaving permanently in June. Do you realize that every day you continue to work with the OW is another love-buster in your W's eyes? So what can I do to not make it so bad for my wife? I can't quit my job because I would be putting our home at risk, would lose our family health benefits, etc. I think MarriedForever's advice about waiting until June when the OW is gone is good, but wouldn't another 3 months of my wife thinking I still want a divorce cause more damage than the LB of knowing I see the OW sometimes at work? I don't think I have any choice but to continue working where I am and the OW could leave earlier, but that's not my decision to make for her. I could make no contact almost total, but there would still be times (once or twice a week) where I would have to have some contact with OW.
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Your welcome Fred. I really hope everything works out. I'm glad you understand where I was coming from.
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