Well, my wife has had no contact for about 3 weeks and has started withdrawal.
Any advice on:

what to expect
how to deal with it
how long it will last
how to know when it's over
how to try and meet her needs during this time
can you speed it up (OM made a few major love withdrawals this week by telling certain people her secrets, would that help?)

Thank you.

I am no expert on withdrawal but here is what I think:
Your WS will say some very negative things about you and the marriage. Your WS may not be sure whether or not they want to stay married. They may be angry with you. They may blame you. They may not want to meet your needs. They may re-write your marital history. They may feel guilty and worthless. They may feel resentment and entitlement. Everybody is so different and each circumstance is so different that it is hard to predict what your WS will do. They may restart the affair. This will last until it is over. Have you read Surviving the Affair? This gives a lot of insight to the withdrawal period.

Did she ever quit working at the gym with the OM? If she did, then withdrawal will start once that happens. It takes anywhere from 3 to 6 months. BUT... contact must first end. They can't still work together and just work different shifts where they run into each other occasionally.

Yes, he moved to another gym.

Whats the status on the OM's wife and her lack of true knowledge?

She knows. She told other people as well.

I'll share some of my experience of Withdrawl.

I'm 3 months on and fully committed to my M. I cannot say that I don't occasionally miss OM but I never ever want to see him again or revisit the A when I am of sound mind.

However when I am miserable and lonely I would like to make coantact and of course this was intense for the first 2/3weeks after NC. And when H and I have a major bust up lasting more than a few days.

I used to pace up and down by myself crying. I hated to do it but I did talk ( seems so inappropriae) to my H and cry on him that I missed him. He was very supportive and was somehow able to detatch himself from the reason for my despair. This not only stopped me feeling the need to talk to OM about my despair and how much I missed him but also scored gazillions of points for my H.

If you can accpet her openness about her feelings and see it as part of the process and you are certain she is committed to the M then I would suggest that you try to be there to listen. If you can't ask a friend to be there for her particualrly when you're not around or she's alone, because those are the toughest times.

If she has any bad news or is having a tough time try to be there for her.


It feels so wrong to suggest to you to do these things but it was invaluable to US that my H could do it. Of course there were times that he did freak out. I posted on here as well and ot lots of hints and tips on how to deal with it.

I have not made contact and I think I have now been as low as I possibly could be ( just a week or so ago). I have told my H every step of the way when I have found it hard and he reads all my posts on here.

I hope that your wife is keen and committed to getting back on track with your M.

You won't know when it's over but she will. If I didn't tell my H he would probably think it was over now. I still have a few minor triggers.

She must get rid of everything to do with OM, any music she associates with him, clothes avoid places and people to do with him.

ST

airhawk, what ST describes is pretty routine as far as the timeline goes. You probably won't be able to meet her needs at all the first few weeks, so the best you can do is avoid lovebusters.

I would caution you about you about listening to talk about "missing" the OM, though. That is a huge lovebuster that will keep you triggered and angry. It is not good for your marriage.

It might be ok for her to just tell you she is feeling down and you can comfort her, but you have to remember who the victim is here. You are the one with the gaping, bleeding wound and can't engage in practices that make this worse if you want to recover your marriage. Guard yourself from further harm so there is not more damage done.

If she is pining for the OM and going on about it, you might want to help her REFOCUS because that will not help her recover. Let her know that this kind of talk is not helpful to your recovery and help her refocus. In AA, for example, we don't sit around and yap about how much we miss alcohol, we talk about RECOVERY. Try to help her focus on the POSITIVE.

If you want, you can send her here and we will help her.

She's done that with me a couple of times. At first, I tried to convince her that what she was feeling was wrong and quickly learned that that was not effective. So I did what ST's husband did and just listened. I couldn't really comment b/c it really hurt me and I didn't want to say things that would lead her back to him, but I knew I couldn't argue either, so I just listened.

Recently, the OM told his wife and others some very secretive things about my wife that should not have been shared which greatly upset her. They, in turn, spread those rumors across town. It was at this time, although she was upset, she spent a lot of good time with me. Then she said she hated him and that she has no positive feelings towards him at all, but that she doesn't want to discuss him or the affair -(I doubt the part about no positive feelings, though).

However, she says she isn't "in love" with me, but is willing to try and make our marriage work, even though she feels that she will never, ever be in love with me again.

I think you need some more BS input here. Falling in love with you again is a real possibility. This is what the MB concepts are about. Read up about the old Love Bank and make sure you are familiar with the QandA on Surviving an affair:
Surviving Infidelity

ST

arkhawk,

I am a BS who is nearly 3 years past D-day. The first thing I must say to you is that if you hang on, this will get better. Apart from learning your wife had an affair, this is the toughest part, because you'll get so little good from her to hang on to. This time is fairly brief, but you will be tested hard. I sure was, and wanted to throw in the towel so many times I can't count them.

My FWH certainly was NOT "in love" with me during this period, and made that clear. Hurt, but what I had to get through my head (and you do too) is that the feeling of love was already gone before the affair began. (Rare to be in love with your spouse and be open to falling in love with someone else.)

Whatever she was angry/resentful about BEFORE her affair is what you need to work on. Show her those changes and make sure you're making them permanent. She will NOT respond to those changes for a while...she is angry that you're making them now. If you could be a better H NOW, why couldn't you have done it before you "drove" her to an affair? (You didn't "drive" her to it, but in HER mind, you did. Just let that go for now. She'll get it later.)

Hardest thing about this early period is that you will not be rewarded for your efforts and will have to do all the heavy lifting yourself. Not fair, but just the way it works, for all of us. You're holding your commitment to "for better or for worse," or you wouldn't be trying now. Just consider this the worst of the "worse." It will pass, if you can hold on to your self in the interim and don't give up. Know that you will WANT to give up. Often. Expect it. Keep doing what you're doing anyway.

You will come to understand, if you don't already, that patience is not a feeling, it's a choice. So is faith.

Patience and faith.

Right Here Waiting

Arkhawk,

I will tell you many many years ago, the prevailing advice was if possible, and this is your call, try to listen to your spouse about her feelings yes even about OM. Most BS's that did this found that eventually the WS came to really appreciate that they could be honest with their spouse and it opened up communications.

However, if something is really triggering you during such a discussion, call a "time out" and rather say anything just tell your spouse that you need a moment to collect yourself, and then take all of the time you need to get a grip on this.

Mel is right about focus on OM, but the definition of withdrawal is that OM is going to be the focus of her thoughts. Once recovery starts, then the subject of OM should rapidly fade from both of your discussions. You need truth, you need openness, but right now your W needs someone to talk to, and you are an excellent choice IF you can stand it.

Mel is setting right, during recovery any focus on OM will hinder the recovery, but you are not there yet and she is in withdrawal. She will crave her drug and talking out her feelings will very likely diminish her cravings. Do not try and educate her, just listen. If she asks you your opinion about something be open and honest, but mostly let her talk this out. Women seem to have a greater need for this than men do.

God Bless,

JL

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. She tells me she has no feelings for him except hate, but she is looking at his daughter's myspace page today. Not sure if I should mention that or not.

This is very comforting. I am still early in recovery and looking forward to this phase to be over. It gives me hope.

arkhawk,

There is a famous quote the author which I cannot remember right now.

The fact that she "hates" OM does not mean that you are out of the woods. The state you want is indifference. Hate is just as strong an emotion and will also damage your marriage.

She is looking because she is still drawn like a moth to a flame.

God Bless,

JL

Well that certainly is encouraging. I now realize that she probably didn't love me before the affair. I'm familiar with the Love Bank, but somewhat discouraged that that concept won't work for me.

Let me make a comment here. As a former WS, I can shed a little light on things. When I entered into my A, I didn't realize I was unhappy. I DID love my husband. But there were key emotional needs he was very much NOT meeting. My OM was very good at meeting those needs. It didn't take long to develop feelings for him. And, while my husband was at first oblivious and wasn't doing anything to make me feel less like I loved him, OM was doing such a good job at making me feel good, it clouded how I felt for my husband. All of a sudden, I was hypercritical of everything he did. I felt he was a rotten husband, he didn't take care of me and I felt I didn't love him. It wasn't until I confessed to him, about 3 weeks later, and I saw the look on his face that I realized I was the bad guy, not him. Very little of this was what he could take the blame for. Sure, he wasn't meeting some of my emotional needs, but he didn't make me go out and have a A. It was all me. So, what I'm saying is, while you are in the "fog" of an A, your true feelings for your spouse are clouded and all you can see is the bad. And it may be that way for a while. I think I was an exception to that. Somehow, I was able to come out of my fog rather quickly. And while I still had trouble of letting go of OM and the needs he was meeting, as well as trusting my husband to meet those needs he had neglected, I felt much better about myself and it felt like a little personal victory when I was able to go a day without calling him, a week without thinking about him constantly, a month without missing him, and now, almost 3 1/2 years since I have seen him. It will happen.

This sort of thing prolongs withdrawl ( guilty of the exact same thing myself).

Is she aware that anything at all connected with OM will prolong this state?

Can you tell us what precautions are in place to maintain no contact with OM?

arkhawk,

Why do you say that you are familiar with the Love Bank, but that the concept "will not work for you?"

Right Here Waiting

The "hate" that she is talking about it a stage--at least it was for me. I am no longer in the "hate" stage and am getting into the indifference phase. But, anger and hate were certainly a big part of it for me.