I have a unique situation that I have absolutely no idea how to deal with. My husband was on parole when he relapsed back into drug use. He is the most caring, loving man when he is clean, but his drug addiction absolutely changes him into a monster. He told me about his relapse the day before he was violated and sent back to prison. Quite enough for me to deal with, right? I kept his cell phone on and began receiving text messages a few days later from what turned out to be the OW. They were doing drugs together. I told her fiance, there are so many details that just turn my stomach. Signs I missed that I linked to his horrible "friends." He would meet her for an hour here and there when they were getting high and getting it on, but he would always come right back home, so I had no clue. Anyway, I haven't talked to her much, just her fiance. He says they have broken up, but I don't believe him. He seems to be telling me things to hurt me, like saying she is pregnant and that he hasn't slept with her when at first he admitted they were - lauging the whole time he is telling me and saying, we "can all be one big happy family." Anyway...

I have no contact with my husband right now except through letters. He is coming off of drugs and I don't want to send him further into depression and risk his health by confronting him in a letter so soon after he got clean. I honestly believe that he would not have done this if he weren't on drugs - areality that helps. How should I deal with this? I am coping okay, I have my moments, I want to move past this and stay with my husband (something that angers the OW fiance).

How long have you been M'd?

Any kids involved?

Why do you believe that a man who's a criminal, a cheat and a habitual drug-user will make a suitable partner-for-life?

We have been married for a year. We have a little boy. He has demonstrated that he can stay clean, but there is a situation involving our family that led to his relapse. I cannot give the details here, but there was cause for considerable stress. I know why he relapsed. I can deal with that. I also know that his affair is tied to his drug use. I can deal with that. I am just seeking advice about how to confront him with it since he did not tell me prior to violating his parole. When people come off of drugs, they are not in a very good state of mind, nor are they when they are first confined in an institution. I think I am coping well, but I do need to confront him. I don't want to do it in a letter. Quite frankly, I don't want to do it until after he has completed a rehab program which he is most likely to be ordered to. I don't intend to tolerate his behavior for life, but because I know the circumstances that led to this (and it happened very quickly and suddenly), I can forgive him.

I am just seeking advice about how to confront him. Am I making a good choice in waiting to confront considering the circumstances?

Sounds to me like you are his enabler. Every time he does something wrong, you either accept the blame or rationalize why it was "okay" for him to do it.

He is a grown man. He needs to learn how to deal with life other than drugs and sex. Everyone deals with things in their life. That does not mean that it is "okay" for them to do things as a result of the stress.

I'm not saying that you cannot forgive, but you need to let him accept the blame for his own actions. Stop giving excuses for why he is abusing you and your M.

I have thought about the me being his "enabler." There is some truth in that and I am going to start going to a support group for persons with codependancy issues as there is one nearby.

We have been talking through letters about his drug problem and what he is going to do (not what he wants, but what he needs) to correct them. I feel we are making progress because he never acknowledged an issue with alcohol as well, and he has always said he doesn't have a problem staying clean...which he obviously does. As an additional precaution, we intend to move out of state as he has entirely too many "old acquiantances" in the area. He has two really good job prospects in a hole in the wall town in the middle of nowhere. Sounds awesome to me as he likes to be secluded anyway...best to get away from it.

I am just trying to figure out when to confront him. I have already exposed to his family. They are none to happy and said the OW is never to darken their door basically. My SIL was absolutely devastated that he would do this to me. I just don't feel like a letter is the place to do it.

Additionally, he has accepted the blame for his drug issue. I suspect he will do the same when confronted with the A, but I believe he thought it would just go away with him violating and being removed from it. If I had not kept his phone on, I would never have found out about it. Part of me just wishes I didn't know - but I know we wouldn't be able to fully move on if I didn't.

AAC,

I am going to have to ask you a question that has been bothering me for years and your situation allows me to learn something here. Why would you hold him responsible for the A, when you know that when on drugs, most addicts do whatever they want when they want. It is why drugs are illegal. People lose control of their morals, life, and intellect.

You seem sanguine about his addiction, but NEED to confront him about his affair with another addict. I'm not sure I get that. You have a child and how is this child going to be affected by his drug use?

It seems to me you accept you are married to an addict and he will have an addictive personality even if he manages to kick the drug habit. Yet, you are concerned about his affair. He clearly has a lover more powerful than his love for you, your child, or even himself, and it is not OW.

If you could enlighten me I would appreciate it.

God Bless,

JL

I don't hold him responsible for the affair. I do hold him responsible for going back to drugs. I only need to confront him about the affair because it is a major detail that he is withholding from me. He can't recover from drug addiction if he isn't honest about his actions when he is on them. He acknowledge's that he is a "scumbag" when on dope, but he hasn't spilled the details.

If he can't get clean on this chance, I will be gone. I won't allow my son to think this is acceptable behavior. I genuinely believed he would stay clean this time. It is why we got married. He had a secure job and was looking at a substantial raise even when this happened.

Yes he does have an addictive personality. Highly addictive. He needs to learn to manage that by concentrating his efforts on more positive addictions, for lack of better wording.

He has been successful in the past with a rehabilitation program, but after his last relapse, he thought he had it under control as did I, but I now see that wasn't the case. Our only hope is that this next chance at rehab will be ultimately successful along with a move out of state because he will be going to rehab while clean and sober, which has never happened.

Again, I only need to confront him about the affair because I feel honesty is integral to his recovery.

AAC,

You said

You know there is honesty and then there is HONESTY. In one case people will be honest with you IF you confront them but if not it is a case "of what they don't know won't hurt them." I really don't consider that the act of an HONEST person.

Honesty is about what you do when no one is looking. It seems to me you know the truth. He knows the truth. What is missing is his willingness to face the truth and try and make right that which he has done wrong. He did you wrong. It is his job to be HONEST and tell you about it.

You confronting him denies him the chance to do the "right thing". Thus, you don't know if he has become an HONEST person, or one that is just honest when caught and a lie won't work.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: As I think about what I told you, which has been in intregal part of my life since a small kid and received lessons on this from my father, I also realize this is part of AA and other rehab organizations. The addict must confront themselves and then confront those they have hurt with honesty. You are trying to enable him, by MAKING him honest with your confrontation because you fear he will not be honest thus making YOU FACE HIS DISHONESTY and thereby make a decision you don't want to make...to divorce him. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions and decisions and unfortunately that may well and probably should be that he loses you and yes even his own child.