I am new to this forum and I have come here for answers and advice. My wife and I have been together since Jan 1995. We got married in June of 2000. We have 2 boys, 7 and 13. I am 32 and she is 33. We have some problems with our marriage that are not uncommon but my wife reacts to them in a very destructive way.

In 1998, we split for a while and she went wild. She went out almost everynight. She moved out of the house we were living in but I still took care of my son almost every night. I was the only security he had. This went on for almost 7 or 8 months until she was driving home one night and got a DUI. Soon after that she stopped drinking and we married in 2000.

In, 2004, we encountered some problems and she started hanging out with some younger single people from work. She started going out for drinks after work and the next thing I know she was having an affair. I confronted her about her affair and she told me she wanted out of the marriage. She then starting going out more, at least 3 times per week. This went on for 6-7 months until she called me at 1:00 am and told me her car would not move. I loaded up the kids and drove to the bar to find that her car was wrecked. I noticed a pole in the parking lot that she had hit. She was able to get the car into the street before the wheel finally broke. Soon after that she stopped drinking and partying. SHe broke down and told me she was sorry and that was the worse time in her life and she would never do it again.

About 2 months ago, I caught her flirting with a guy online. She even gave him her phone number. I confronted her about it and the next day she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She has been drinking again and paryting every weekend. She even goes out on weeknights. Sometimes she will get home at 4:00 am. I have been going to a marriage counselor by myself and she told me that my wife might be an alcoholic and I need to confront her about it. I also found out that she cheated on me again and she has also been chatting with some married men on line and 1 of them is about to leave his wife because of it. I told my wife that I was concerned about her drinking problem and I am not keeping it a secret anymore. I then told her mom, brother, and dad. She found out and told me that she is done with the marriage and is filing for divorce. I told her that she needs to get help because I want my kids to have a mother. Even if she is acting like a horrible mother. She is telling her family that I am lying about everything and I think they believe her.

She is very pissed at me right now and I do not know what the future holds for me and my boys. My wife did not drink hardly at all when the marriage was good but she drinks alot when we have problems. I don't think I have any support from her family becuase they are very enabling. I told them they can turn a blind eye and deny it and hopefully nothing happens to her or they can try to get her some help.

I attended my first AL-ANON meeting on Saturday so I hope I can learn something at that. Please, I am open for advice or suggestions. She said she filed for divorce on March but have not received any papers yet.

Most likely she told you this so you would stop interfering with her drinking. Alcoholics and cheaters do not like being exposed or interfered with and will say anything to scare you into silence. They are extremely manipulative.

My suggestion would be to retain a lawyer and get yourself legal protection. Your wife is dangerous to you and your children and you need protection. Unless and until she gets help for her drinking, there is absolutely nothing you can do other than protect yourself. I would suggest that you call the cops on her if she goes drunk driving. Jail has saved many alcoholics.

Good idea to go to Alanon.

Sorry for you and your kids.

bb

My wife said she filed as well....even gave me papers! Not 1 stamp from the courts on them! She was hoping for an uncontested divorce. Her attorney even gave her a flat rate. She hoped I would sign in 6 spots and her and the kids would be gone...never happened!

Food for thought...

Sorry you're here. I also recommend the tough love approach. It's the only thing that cheaters and alcoholics understand. Her babble about filing for divorce and about how "it's over" since you exposed is standard fog babble. We've heard it all before.

Your WW has to hit rock bottom in order to get back up. Lawyer up for real. You're a man and have to play your cards very smart in the court system, which is mom biased. Yes, even alchie moms get preferential treatment UNLESS you have rock solid proof and good documentation about her. Police records and reports help.

You MUST document. Lawyer up for real. If she's bluffing, then you've lost nothing. If she's really filed, then you'll be prepared to respond.

Seriously, I'm sorry you're here. But understand that hardball is the only game when it comes to women like your wife.

Baron knows what he's talking about. Appeasement does not work with a WW. Lawyer up, have good separation agreement handy. Whatever you do, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. If WW wants you to leave, tell her she's the one having the affair. Have the OM support her. Also, DO NOT LET HER TAKE THE KIDS. In the separation agreement, make sure there is language that says the kids are not to be exposed to POSOM.

More great advice!

Strangely for me my WW doesn't want the house. She moved out for the summer in 08. I kept the master suite and she moved into the extra BR.

On the legal front.....don't let anyone tell you "moms get it all"....Its BS! Rite now your WW is not running on all cylinders but you are. Journal EVERYTHING that you/kids/WW does. I make any entry and email it to myself everyday. That way no one can say you made it all up on one day.....Gmail time/date stamps don't lie.

BB,

""She is very pissed at me right now and I do not know what the future holds for me and my boys""

SHE'S very pissed at YOU right now??? HA!! Isn't that just the way.

She is pissed because she is always, as our English cousins say, PISSED!!

There is really nothing to do until she gets off the sauce.

Now for the second half of the quote...I think maybe you DO know what the future holds for you and the boys. Maybe a calm, normal, boring future WITHOUT THE DRUNK.

Your life is in so much turmoil that you have forgotten what "normal" is. And to tell you the truth, "normal" is what the boys need right now.

She is going to have to hit rock bottom again (or have another vehicular problem) before she sobers up and flies right (for a while)...sounds kind of never ending to me.

IMHO

kirk

Thanks for all your responses. Just a little more history. After BS she pulled 4 years ago, we did not see a marraige counselor but obviously we should have. We tried to reconcile our marriage by ourselves and honestly I never let her affair go and it drove me to depression. The depression was pretty bad the last year.

She had the nerve the other night to blame her actions on my depression. She even said, " you have not been yourself, you gained weight and you did not make an attempt to make yourself attractive to me." What a [censored], she was the reason I was depressed in the first place. I did not go cheating on her when she weighed 40 lbs more than she does now.

With all that being said, does anybody know how to write a good GO TO HELL letter? I see people writing Plan B letters, which are nice for people who actually give a crap about their spouses but I am beyond that.

Congratulations on going to Alanon. That is the thing that is going to help you the most.

I hope you have gotten help with your depression also. You need to save yourself and your boys first, then you can deal with your wife.

I suggest you see an attorney for financial protection.

Does your wife work outside of the home?

The best "Go to He77" letter you could possibly deliver comes in the form of a sheriff who serves her with legal papers.

BUT....

Before you go down that route, I recommend going to Plan B. Are you spent and don't want to save your marriage or do you pretty much just want to bail?

Have you thought of your kids in this?

bbbdad, just an FYI, Marriage Builders concepts do not work on active alcholics or addicts. It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic and she will just use any overtures as an opportunity to exploit you. Your best bet to protect you and your children from her so I agree that you need to get away.

Got my divorce petition today from my wife!!!

I retained my attorney and I am proceeding with the divorce. Honestly don't want this person in my life anymore.

The best revenge is living well.
Instead of writing a G.T.H. letter to her, write an encouraging and inspirational letter to yourself.

Thanks for the reply. I think life will be much more simple when she is not part of it. I guess to a degree because I will still have to see her and talk to her because of the kids.

Therin lies your opportunity for "the best revenge".

Let her see YOU happy, healthy and active ... without her.
Not angry.
Not sad.
Not moody.

Alive and vibrant.

With her or without her, divorce or no divorce, that is your best course of action.

All the best to you.