So, my H got caught. That's nothing new on this site. It was more an attempted A than an actual A. He was caught on dating sites. No proof of anything more than talking..

But what he did then isn't really the issue here. The problem is this:

We've got it all out on the table. We discussed what happened and where we both went wrong. I admitted to him that I wasn't filling EN's, but that the attempted A was NOT my fault. Nonetheless, I enacted Plan A. Since discovery (only a week ago, today), things have actually been wonderful. Well, on the outside. We are getting along wonderfully. I have a newfound appreciation for him. We seem to communicate much more openly and honestly.

But I feel like I am almost :rewarding: him for having an A. I am doing all that I can to fill his needs. I am biting my tongue more often and thinking about my thoughts before I just react out of anger. I am making sure I acknowledge all that he does both for me and for the family.

But I feel like I am getting nothing in return. I mean, I think if the roles were reversed, I would be doing any and everything possible to make it up to him. I would be begging him for forgiveness. I would be constantly reaffirming my love for him and my apologies. But I am getting none of this.

I have gotten an apology. And it did seem sincere at the time, but nothing has changed on his part, other than he has stopped talking to anyone on the Internet, where his A occurred.

Am I wrong for expecting more remorse and apologies? Am I expecting too much? I just basically feel like I am :rewarding: him for him cheating...

You are not wrong for wanting remorse and apologies. You are wrong for expecting it. After almost 5 years, sometimes I still daydream that I will get an apology. Oh well..... On the other hand, I am almost very happy in my marriage. I cannot directly correlate my unhappiness to the A so I have to give gemela the benefit of the doubt. You could read my thread to know why but it isn't relevant to your situation so don't bother.

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are some who can never get over the A and there are some who can. Then there are those on the borderline. Okay so I was never very good at math.

While you are never responsible for an A. Aren't you glad you are working harder on your marriage? A better marriage is a good thing - not a bad thing.

Dr. Harley says all people are wired for an A. Some people do and some don't. If the M is not great, bad things can happen.

A long time ago someone very wise told me I should choose my battles. You need to choose yours.

Maybe some day you will get that apology. What will you do if you don't? THAT is the REAL question.

And it is one you don't have to answer right now BTW. That's the really cool bit.

Or He!! on Earth.

All depends on how you look at it.

And BTW, that can change a hundred times a day.

The bottom line is you are in control of your destiny.

What do you really REALLY want?

It's not that I NEVER got an apology. It just didn't seem truly apologetic. Does that make sense? It seemed more like a "Well, I know I am supposed to say I'm sorry, so here ya go" kinda apology. More script-like than heartfelt.

In the week since discovery, I have been giving and giving and giving. For the most part, I am over the A. I understand that I played a part in all of it. Not that I am taking blame, but I understand why it was a choice to my H.

Problem is, I don't feel like H is changing at all. He is acting just as passive about our marriage as he was when he was off in lala land.. I know I can't force him to change. But I also know that this is not who I married. Obviously. I mean, why would I have been so in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him if he was so distant and cold??

I guess I am just being impatient? Expecting too much? I mean, I know he's not gonna come drop to my feet and beg me for forgiveness, or any crazy thing like you would see in some Hollywood movie.. But am I wrong for expecting SOMETHING here????

It's been five years and I'm not over the affair. I might never be. At least completely. But I can have a happy marriage.

You don't want an apology. You want fair. Well life isn't fair. Dr. Harley's program never mentions fair. It really sucks that it isn't fair. But his program can not only save your M but also make it better than you ever imagined - that is if you can just get out of the way.

Ask yourself what is more important - your marriage or your pride? I know it hurts and I'm surprised at how little you have been affected. Maybe you are still in denial.

But you are fighting the wrong battle.

Most men don't have the emotional vocabulary to express a satisfactory apology.

Most men would rather DO SOMETHING to express it.

I recommend getting His Needs/Her Needs on the CD (audio version) and TELLING HIM that you understand his difficulty (being a man and all) with expressing his regret and love and that you feel that by having him at least just listen to the CD with you and interacting that it would be a step in the right direction. The "apology" will then really entail implementing the MB plan(s) within your marriage. I just think he's more likely to do THIS idea than your idea of a heartfelt satisfactory apology.

I know you want your husband to step up and do it of his own volition...but often husbands need to be told what to do and they will go along.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I also recommend taking a road trip together somewhere nice with just him and listen to it in the car. It give you both something to do and the car is a safe place in that the common distractions are unavailable and there is limited non-verbal cues to the conversations as you're not face to face. My wife and I did this in 2005 and ended up pausing the CD many times to discuss the issues we were facing.

p.p.s. - My marriage is much better now IN SPITE OF her affair and not because of it....thanks to MB.

Kew,
Your Dday was only what - 15 days ago. My FWH was the most remorseful, apologetic and loving when our M was improved and we were meeting each other's needs and communicating better. Then he started to realize and feel guilty about how stupid he was. It's to soon for you WH to reach this point.

piojitos,

Thanks for the reply. The reason I seem "unaffected" is that it was more that he was caught talking about wanting an affair. He never had a PA. I just read emails about what he wanted to do. He never acted upon them. Not that it hurt any less, reading how miserable he was and all the bad things he said about me.. But I realize that I wasn't being a good wife. I wasn't really putting an honest effort into things. I was only giving what I was getting, so to speak.

And MrWondering,

The CD idea is great. I know I would NEVER get my husband to read a post or blip, much less an ENTIRE book. I never thought about listening to it on a CD. We actually took a drive last Saturday without the kids to go about an hour out of town to run some errands. That was probably the best, level-headed talk we have ever had, in the history of "us". There was never any screaming or yelling or anything, yet we discussed deeper and more troubling things than we have ever in our lives. The exact opposite as what I would have expected..



And to Anyone...

I guess I am getting in my own way of progress. But I am definitely not in fear of losing my pride. I feel that was all lost when my H did this to me. I don't feel that I need his acceptance to be "something" in this world, but this all has really changed the way I see myself. So pride is definitely not what is standing in my way.

So how do you see yourself?

Honestly, not very good right now. The A, even though it was more an attempted A, took a lot from me. A lot of things have happened in recent months besides the A. I have lost a lot of things. My H got laid off. We lost the house we were having built. The one person other than my H that I could "always" turn to has completely abandoned me, in a time that I could really use a friend. My mother (an active alcoholic, but a whole 'nother story there) and my MIL have been very sure to point out that if I were more submissive to my H, then this would never have happened..

Basically, it's an all time low around here in Kdew-ville. I am hoping that this IS rock bottom, and that it can only be uphill from here..

Sounds about right. Many people are not entirely secure in themselves in the best of times and an A (or attempted A) will devestate your self-esteem. This is a battle you do need to fight.

Because unfortunately, thats exactly what you are doing. And you will have to continue to do this for a VERY long time to come. He tries to have an A and you're the one running around meeting his EN's as a reward.

Thats the whole problem with Plan A. Only you can decide if it's worth it. And remember you may NEVER get an apology as P posted to you. Would that be worth it? Start thinking

We're all different but I can say it was/is for me.

I'm just sayin...

It's not so much that I need to hear the words "I'm sorry". Actually, I HAVE heard those words. A couple times now.

It's more that he doesn't act sorry. He isn't doing anything to make up for it. He isn't giving anything back. He isn't filling MY EN's.

The simple words don't mean a thing to me. He could tell me "I'm sorry" every day for the rest of my life. But if he doesn't act any different, or change anything about the way he treats me, it doesn't matter one bit.

It's that whole "Actions speak louder than words" thing..

What got him to the place he is now took time. So he got busted and couldn't follow through. He is still that same person. There is no quick fix.

Well, thats what recovery is all about. You have to carry the load for a LONG time with nothing in return, with the CHANCE/HOPE that in the future your WH will pick up the slack. But its not a guarantee by any means.

So the last few days have been awful.

I 'thought' we were getting better. I thought we were being open and honest. I thought that we really had a heart to heart last week and that we were kinda starting again, with a clean slate.

I was wrong. WAAYY wrong. Apparently starting again and being open and honest does NOT mean the same thing to me as my husband.

He thinks that starting fresh and moving forward means that everything is a fresh slate -- meaning that NOTHING of the A is to be brought up. He gets mad if I bring it up. He gets mad if I come up with new questions or if I doubt him. In trying to be honest, I have tried letting him know when I doubt him or when I am just having a bad day and thinking about everything.

But if I cry, he just says "I thought we were past this? I thought we were moving on."

Well, I say that he "says" it.. It's more like screams it. And I just break down. And the more I cry, the more he tells me I am just stupid and letting this get to me too much.

How am I letting it "get to me" too much? How am I supposed to be "over it" all already? It's been TEN DAYS. It's like he thinks I am just supposed to say, "Well, that was last week. Let's stick it in the DO NOT REMEMBER part of my brain.."

He says if I don't trust him, then there is no way he will go on. He went out with his brother this evening. He says he's just going to the movies. Said (in a very demeaning tone) that I can follow him around all night if I want to prove that he isn't with anyone but his brother..

I just don't know.. I feel like I am the one changing everything. Meanwhile, he's still going out. There's no sign that it is with any OW, but still..

Am I being unreasonable here?

No you aren't being unreasonable - you are being gaslighted.

Elaborate??

Denial is a powerful tool. WH is still in the fog. It is far easier to pretend nothing ever happened and to face it and deal with it. He is now placing all the blame or potential future blame on you. A lot of people use this strategy. Now, if the M fails, it is all your fault because he cannot continue if you don't trust him. Of course you can't trust him. His being secretive is a red flag for anyone. Don't trust him.

I searched the Forum and found an old Thread from someone asking what "gaslighting" was.. It was helpful. Not that your answer wasn't. I just found that one first.

And I am well aware that he is still in the fog. Problem is exposure backfired on me.

Rather than seeing what he is/was doing as wrong, his mother is now helping him hide it all and play it down.

I had to go there today to pick up the kids. She made sure (again) to explain to me that if I were my H's slave, that asked "How high?" everytime he told me to jump, I would have him home with me every night..

That, and he spends a lot of time over there, knowing that I don't feel welcome over there, thus won't go bother him over there..

It's always been his cop-out place. And his mother is LOVING this. (I have had A LOT of MIL issues.. That's what originally brought me here..)