Please help me sort this latest issue out. For those who don't know my story, here's an update:<BR>Husband is an alcoholic (unadmitted). H in affair since March 99 (OW is also heavy drinker and a bar sl**), began drinking even more, very abusive to me, gave our son alcohol to drink, physically abused me and was arrested. Separated 2 1/2 months, divorce started. H now back, wanting to work things out. <P>H came home from work tonight upset/angry. He received notification of pretrial hearing regarding the misdemeanor Assault w/Bodily Injury charge (he was very drunk and abused me - I called the police) which started our separation. He is being prosecuted by the State. I believe our state has a "no drop" policy regarding domestic abuse, so I think they may have me testify, I don't know. Hearing set for 3 weeks from now. So how on earth do we work out our marriage with this issue pending? H is very worried about going to jail which makes me think that maybe he's come home in order to get out of the assault charges, I just don't know. He still blames me for the abuse. Says I provoked him into doing it. He won't admit that alcohol is THE MAIN FACTOR in all of our problems. <P>I've been trying hard to stick to Plan A, and up to today, things had been getting better. We had a discussion about the problem, and he became angry. I cried. Maybe our problems are just too big and can't be overcome. <BR>I am a Christian, H says he believes in God but does not profess to be a Christian. I have been praying morning, noon, and night for him, our marriage, our son, and myself...asking God to speak to H's heart, soften his heart, and save him. Please pray for us. Thank you and I would appreciate your thoughts on how I should handle this latest development.

Alcoholic's Wife -- I am so sorry for you having to go through all this. <P>It's late for me, and my brain isn't necessarily working right tonight, so if this doesn't make sense to you, then just disregard it as useless drivel.<P>OK, with that said, You might be able to use all this to your advantage Your H is afraid of what might happen in court, right? Trying convincing him that if he gets into counseling, joins AA (what ever else you feel is appropriate) that maybe it will look good for him court. The object is to get him into counselling. maybe then something may actually start to sink in to his pickled brain.<P>Just my .02<P>God Bless

I think you're right ES. I've tried and tried to get him to go to counseling with me and he refuses. I mentioned to him last night that it would help him in court if he was already in counseling and attending church on Sundays before his hearing. He didn't agree. I'll just keep praying for him. Thanks for your reply.

try <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> for both of you

HI AW, I am so sorry that your are again dealing with your h's stress reagrding his alcohol and abuse problems.<BR>Good thoughyts from es, but as I reread it and thought a little longer, I am not so sure that it would be in your best interest. Or in the best interest of your child.<BR>Maybe court ordered counseling would be better? More effective because you will not be perceived as the bad guy that initiates the deal? <BR>Just a thought....

cl -- You know, I think you out did me again <P>Alcoholic's Wife -- What ever you decide, you need to be sure that you and your children are protected. If you can not convince your H to get into counselling and treatment on his own. . .Then tell the judge about every single bruise he has ever given you. Let the judge force him to get help.<P>I will be praying for you.<P>God Bless

Thank you for your posts. I'm going to keep up the Plan A for now. But I think you're right about letting the court handle it. He needs counseling very badly and if the court orders him to go, he will have no choice. I have certainly not been successful in getting him into counseling. He had an abusive father who beat him regularly as a child and a passive mother who did nothing to stop the father's abuse. IMHO, the alcohol addiction is what has gotten him into the situation he's in now. He probably will always blame me, but it was his other true love, alcohol, that caused this. I have a little clearer head today so maybe I can do better on Plan A. I'm confused on what is and isn't a lovebuster though. He thinks that I should trust him. He knows I don't. I told him last night that I felt it was up to him to reassure me that he wouldn't see her again, and that another affair will never happen. He got defensive, saying "I already told you I'm sorry and I wouldn't do it again". He doesn't know how to be compassionate to another. I guess I'm just so insecure about our marriage and his motives that I just can't believe him now. He really has done a lot better lately, but by most others standards he would be considered an inconsiderate jerk. Maybe he hasn't hit the bottom yet.

Hi Alcoholics Wife -<P>I'm sorry for all you and your children (child?) have been through...also for the past history and current state that your H has/is dealing with!!!<P>It's all such a mess when alcohol is involved.....<P>CL and ES said my thoughts....the only thing I could add would be to possibly talk to the prosecutor about counseling, AA and rehab..instead of any jail time or fine, etc.<P>Everyone is suffering here and the only solution is to get to the root of his pain!!!!<P>My prayers are with you and your family!!<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba

Sheba - good idea about talking to the prosecutor. Jail time would not do him a bit of good - it would just make him worse I think. I have felt for a very long time that he needed in depth counseling to learn how to deal with his anger and his horrible childhood. It seems like he wants to hurt the one who loves him the most in this world (me) the most. Oh, and to clear up confusion on my children, I have two, our son still lives at home (14) and daughter is grown and on her own. <BR>ES - I won't have to worry about pictures of bruises . . . . the judge already has a bunch of them and has looked at them - they are evidence in our divorce case. The same judge is presiding over his assault trial. Isn't that a strange coincidence!<BR>

Get out now! While you still have some assemblence of a life. This man will abuse you, alcohol or not, until the day he kills you. For your own sake, this is one of those marriages that is not worth saving! Good Luck!<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

Update: H went to court today. He was bonded over for trial, jury trial date set for late January. He will definitely be prosecuted for assault. Prosecutor called me late today to tell me he was going to make an offer to H's attorney. H would get 1 year probation, court ordered alcohol abuse counseling for entire probation, court ordered AA, hefty fine and court ordered NO ALCOHOL WHATSOEVER. I am elated over this. If they don't take offer, prosecutor will "go for blood". H would most likely get jail time ( up to 2 years) due to his previous assault convictions and his repeat performance in abusing me. H does not know of this yet, apparently his atty hadn't called him yet with the "deal". <P>I think my H's reaction to this will be to lash out at me (verbally). Most likely he will be livid and will leave again. I am preparing myself for this reaction. I don't know if I'll be able to continue Plan A with him gone, if he goes. I think I'd have to move to Plan B. H did come home sober (well, not drunk anyway - I could smell beer on his breath) last night and tonight, so he is trying to get control of his drinking. My biggest fear is that he will become extremely angry, move back out and get back with his OW. He says he has not had any contact with her, but this could set him off. Through all of this I have tried very hard to be loving, appreciative and kind to him, have stopped asking about his affair, have stopped calling and beeping him altogether, and have tried to make his home life as positive and comfortable for him as possible. He doesn't seem to notice the changes. Maybe he is just so totally insensitive and cold hearted that he never will see. <P>I continue to pray for H, and for the Lord to change me into the kind of wife He wants me to be. Thank you for listening. I can't talk to anyone about this. My family has given up on me because I took him back, and my friends think I am nuts for even speaking to him. Maybe I am nuts.

Hi AW -<P>You are not nuts!!! As a matter of fact you are a very strong woman - otherwise H would have made you nuts by now!! <P>I have prayed for something like the Prosecutor's deal to be the result of this and I hope that his attorney is not an idiot and sees that this is best for H.....<P>I do think, however that you are praying for the wrong thing!!! Instead of praying for you to be the Wife H wants you to be.....You should be praying that your H turns into the man and husband he should be!!!!<P>Beer is drinking!!!! That is not a positive step in the right direction.<BR>I only say that because I've seen the same stuff.....<P>Have you gone to Alanon yet? PLEASE do so.....you are sounding like your self-esteem needs some boosting and they will help with that. H is not the center of your universe...especially with all his problems!!! You can not let him think that he is.....that is why he can so easily take out his frustrations on you.<P>I care about you and have lived this..my own mother was emotionally destroyed by my Dad's alcoholism...he never laid a hand on her, but abuse and punching bag can be emotional also....as you well know!!!<P>You have a change to change this awful cycle....please make the most of it. Life will be so much better when you do.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Thanks Sheba. Yes, I have been going to Al-Anon. It has helped me see that its not my fault, and I did not make him drink (he tells me this all the time, if I didn't b**ch at him, was a better wife, blah blah blah he wouldn't have to get drunk). My psychologist has helped me also to see it is not my fault, and that it is a disease that is destroying my husband's life, and his health. I do pray every day for my husband. I hope that he comes to know God while I am still alive. I, too, prayed that the prosecutor would handle this; I was afraid they would drop the charges. They feel they have sufficient evidence (pictures of me beat up ought to be enough!) to go to trial. I don't think my H has hit bottom yet though. He still acts like I was put on earth to be his slave. He has made some tiny steps forward in that he does help with the chores now. Please keep praying for me, though. Today will probably be a real bad day in that he will most likely get told by his atty. what the prosecutor's deal is. I'm praying he will accept it and start treatment right away. My gut feeling is that my H will say "NO WAY" because he will refuse to stop drinking alltogether. And, if he doesn't want to stop drinking, is forcing him via the court going to help? Thank you so very much for your post. I just don't have anyone to talk about this to except the therapist, and she costs too much.<P>

Keep me posted.<P>Alcohol and abuse combined are really really bad. The alcohol magnifies the abuse, but the abuse is a separate problem. <P>Do go to drirene.com I learned a lot. join the listbot for Christians - called God Help Us. <P>Your husband is a classic batterer, goes all the way to stage 3. Mine gets up to 2 and threatens 3. <P>I feel for you. <P>Prayers <BR>Connie