Ok, we all know I was a complete As when I went through my situation/divorce. I've been talking to fWxW and we had a real good, face to face conversation the other night. I've been SUPER SWEET to her since Jan 1st. Trying to make amends for all the retaliation I did. I have come to realize that the last stages of my recovery is to help her recover. The problem is I have a GF so I have to be political about it. I'm real good friends w/ my first wife and I want to have the same relationship w/ second ex, if possible. I know it sounds strange, but I have never cut ANYONE out of my life before. If they screw up, I still remain close to them. Not husband and wife, but friends. It makes it all better, especially when kids are involved. I've started kicking her some extra cash here and there, and giving her pep talks about what a great person she is. I've even told her I would definitely give her a resounding recommendation if in the future I met her new love of her life. She said she isn't interested at all in a new relationship, but I figure she will be in time. What else can I do considering my restraints? I KNOW I CAN REBUILD HER, but I can't spend a whole lot of time w/ her. Little texts about how great a mom she is? Little things to brighten her day? Any ideas? Anyone tried to work on an ex, while simultaneously moving on? I apologize to her EVERY time I talk/see her.

DUDE

You are heading down the slippery solpe if not altready having a EA with your ex, while dating another.

Granted you will have to deal with an ex due to the children, but other than that I don't quite understand why you sign up to remain close to people who have screwed you over. You can be civil but still stay your distance. I wouldn't do anything that's a detriment of your new life without her or get sucked back in to the drama out of guilt. What has exW changed that now makes her a good mother, a good mate that you'd be willing to give references to the next man that comes along?

:crosseyedcrazy: Huh?? You must be a heck of a guy to be able to fix people.

Just like you can't CHANGE another person (they can only do that themselves), you can't rebuild or repair someone. You can WORK on repairing the relationship, but if you're already involved with another woman (bad idea), leave your ex alone.

Making amends means asking for forgiveness for the wrongs on your side of the fence. And then focusing on being a better person.



Is this something you've decided to be true? (a little secret, it's not!)

Let me suggest that you tell her this, exactly like you've stated it. Lets see how happy she is that you are rescuing her from herself in order to make yourself feel good. :crosseyedcrazy:



WOW, finally going to meet all her EN's AFTER the divorce?
Dude, sounds pretty bassakwards to me. Manipulative at best!



When your done with her god, are you going to rebuild your current gf that will be an ex by then.

Such a great guy you must be in your own eyes, rebuilding all these women.
Must feel great to have so much power.



Ya, stop playing with her head.

I told myself I wouldn’t respond to your posts anymore, because I don’t want to seem like I’m picking on you, but here I am drawn to your situation. You OBVIOUSLY still care for your xW. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you are either denying your own emotions (love for xW) or you are serving your own ego here. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. It seems your ego is both your greatest strength and greatest weakness, and until you recognize that concept, I think you will have relationship trouble in the years ahead. It is serving your ego to “save” your xW, but is that the best thing for her?

As low as she is right now, in time she needs to build herself back up. I doubt that will happen if you remain in the picture being “super sweet” to her and helping her out financially. Those actions will only keep her wounds fresh. How will she heal when the source of her pain is a constant influence in her life? She may find a “man” in her life, but it may only end up as filler, while she still clings to you to some degree. How will her next relationship be successful if she can’t give that man all of her heart? If you are still in the picture, she will only be able to give part of her heart, as you will still possess a part of her. In a way you are positioning yourself to always possess some of her heart. YOU are serving your OWN ego here. In time that will only continue to damage her and her future relationships. Is that what you want really? I don’t think so.

Now speaking of 100% of ones heart, where does your current girlfriend fit in? If you are serving your ego with “fixing” your xW, you are not giving all of your heart to your now girlfriend. Is that fair to her? Is that a principle which improves the success of a relationship/marriage? Your xW claimed that you were absorbed in work and not meeting her needs 100% when she had the A. Do you think you will be focusing on meeting your new girlfriend’s needs, while you fix xW? Your girlfriend may come to you in time and complain how you give so much attention to xW and not her. With xW your distraction was job, with girlfriend it will be xW. Both scenarios don’t give either 100%.

It seems you care a lot for your current girlfriend. You obviously care a lot for your xW, but you need to realize only one has to have 100% of your energies and resources, else all will fail. I know it is a hard decision, but you need to pick ONE and go with it. Either make a clean break from xW and commit to girlfriend, or release girlfriend and rebuild with xW. You don’t owe your xW “super sweet Dude,” she brought your wrath on herself and only has herself to blame. She knew who you were when she started her A. I’m sure that wasn’t the first time you were an As. She just donned you with a cape and released Super As!

You have a good heart Dude or you wouldn’t be here. Just realize you have to make a HARD choice going forward and stick to that choice for the sake of others. The longer you play the middle, the harder the end will come. Own your ego, don’t let it own you. Realize what’s best for others, doesn’t always feel good to you. Just understand that by sticking to and honoring whatever decision you make, you do it because it is the RIGHT thing to do, not that it felt good.

There are people who are on MB that qualify as twisted and maybe even psycho, doesn't mean they have a good heart because they are here.

It is completely inappropriate for you to attempt to meet her ENs.




Admiration.




Affection.






Why are you trying to keep her emotionally attached to you if your desire is to move on?

That is unfair to her and your girlfriend.

Surely, you've read enough here to realize that what you are hoping to do is dangerous for your present and future relationships, as well as your wife's.




Considering that you have decided to "move on", one apology is enough. More than that, and you are attempting to get back into her heart.

Are you sure that you have no desire to reconcile????

I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW ME...It scares me...And yes, I have a solid heart. I hate to see her in pain, even though some of it was my own doing..Good Call..I'll take your info to heart..DUDE

Conversation.

At the MB Weekend, Dr. H classified 4 ENs has INTIMATE ENs.

Affection
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Sexual Fulfillment

Most often, affection and conversation are in the top ENs for women, and RC and SF are for men.

So, you are attempting to meet for your XW the top two intimate ENs for a woman.

Your actions could very well cause your XW to fall in love with you.

Is that your intent?





Her falling in love with you will not help her recover if you are not interested in reconciliation.





And if you plan to have a future with this woman, will you be protecting the relationship from an affair with XW#2?





Have you examined how this affected your second marriage?




And have you considered how this will affect your present relationship/next marriage?





Not according to Dr. Harley.






Financial Support.






Admiration again.

Exactly… and what are you doing here?

Dude, I did not follow your sitch and I think you probably rattled some cages here by the tone of responses; but my initial thought reading your current sitch...

You are not done with your FWxW. GF or no GF I sense unfinished business here. Just my .02.

Dude,

What do YOU want? It sounds like you have feelings for xWW and she has feelings for you. You're divorced - you need to either cut the strings with her or start "dating" her again and take it from there. It is not fair to her or your GF to be emotionally involved with two women. All it will do is lead to trouble for you.

My exWW has always said why can't we just be good friends like exMIL and exFIL were after their D. The circumstances around her affair prevent that at this time. But, looking at how exWW and exSIL treated the significant others in their parent's life, a lot of the anger was directed because of the false hope their parents always presented them. Heck, exWW is still bitter that her mother did not give her father more of a chance. IMHO being really good friends with an ex spouse is can be more damaging to kids than keeping everything strictly business.

Especially with an EX who betrayed you in the worst way possible.

Thats what I'm saying, my unfinished business is fixing her, or at least repairing the piece I broke. I can do it!

What is it you think you broke? You said hurtful things to her during moments of anger or what?

He had an RA and is finally feling some guilt instead of justifying it all time!

Are you just plain stupid?

Stupid is as stupid does.

Oh. I just answered my own question.

Never mind.

You already cut this person out of your life. There is nothing you can fix now.

I still here from my RA partner. She had offered to be my mistresss if I returned to my M. UGH!!! I'm trying to tune the moral compass back in, ya know! I guess you all are right, cutting almost all ties is probably best.