I posted on here awhile back about my wife having an EA for the last 3 months while I was in Iraq. I received some great advice and motivation to stay positive through out this whole thing. However now that I will be coming home in the next week or so, I'm at a crossroad. When I get home do I pretend nothing happened initially and just go with the flow with her when I get off the plane? Do I go along with it if she wants to have sex later that night or in the coming days? I was planning on waiting a couple days before engaging the subject, just to give her time to possibly come out and talk about it and to give me some time to get used to being back. I want to work things out with her, but I don't want to send the wrong message with her by denying any love making until I am more comfortable with our situation. Any help/advice would be much appreciated, thanx.

Soldier
I haven't read your sitch but I guess I need to. Are you sure the A was an EA and not a PA?
This is a tough situation and I don't know what I would do. Maybe some of the vets will chime in soon. Good luck and America is glad you are coming home.

My situation is pretty much summed up right there, kept it pretty simple in my original post as well. Only think I left out were the couple thousand text messages between them and the all night phone calls that went on up until I busted her (Mar 12). She says she didnt have anything physical with him, and I have asked her countless times about it. Since I am on the other side of the world, and can only talk to her on phone/email I'm just going with her word right now. I DO plan on reengaging that question when I get home and can read her reaction.

If you feel that you need to snoop to determine the extent of trouble in your marriage, then I would go with the flow and set up your spyware or whatever you need to find out the truth. I think I remember your thread and your wife had excuses to explain away what you know so far. You may need concrete evidence to get her to admit to an affair. If that is the case, I wouldn't alert her by acting unusual. This will be easier said than done. I would also avoid sex until after the std tests come back clean if you think that she may have had sex with anyone else. If she has been having an affair, it shouldn't be too hard to put off sex. If she is having an affair, she may not be in the mood to be with you anyway. I'm not a veteran but I do know that snooping is a lot easier when they are not expecting it.

I plan on doing more snooping when I get home. And I though about just going with the flow for a bit. The only way she communicates with him is her cell and at work. My first objective is to commandeer her phone and see whats going on on there. I did also plan on having her get tested, even though she said nothing physical happened, if nothing happened she shouldn't have a problem with the test right? (im sure that will go over well...hah)

By now, she has cleared anything from her phone that you would find. Getting a copy of her phone bills may be a better route. And, by now they have had plenty of time to synchronize their stories... You may want to consider GPS on her car, voice activated recorder in her car, etc.
Are you coming home for good or just for a short time? I would demand the std testing and like you said, if she hasn't done anything--shouldn't be a problem.

These are the things that busted my WS: voice recorder in the car - you can buy one at best buy, office depot, etc. Sim card reader for the cell phone - it reads deleted text messages on some phones. It doesn't work on all of them. You can buy this online at brickhousesecurity.com. A weblogger on your computer would definitely help because it is not traceable and there are programs that allow you to login anywhere to see what is going on with you computer at home (you could check it by logging into the program even if you are in another country). Webwatcher works like this and that is what I use still. You know that she has been using the computer so if you only do one thing, I would do this. Even if you find out the info, don't tell her how you got it. You may need to snoop again. Don't give up the source of information.

GI,

So what has it been like since the bust of 03/12?

I would kinda take my cues from her. If she is happy to see you and attacks you and is not able to get enough of you, then that is a good thing and I would go with it.

Then she is terribly sorry for the "misunderstanding" and is trying desperately to make it up to you.

If she is stand offish, and can't be bothered, and is on the phone or texting all the time in front of you, then that is a bad thing, and you should have that talk sooner than later.

When I was in the service and came home, it took a couple of days maybe, to like "get to know each other again". Maybe this will not happen to you, but make sure you don't take this as her being standoffish.

From you first thread I can't remember if you knew the OM or not.

Very glad you are coming home brother! WELCOME!!

Much respect,

kirk

yeah already got spreadsheets of the call logs since January. Coming home for good...I'm getting out so we will be moving two months after i get back.

Do you know who the potential OM is? Is he military also? My FWS used the base hotel for his hookups(I heard him make plans on the digital voice recorder the first day that I placed it in his car). I threatened him with going to the base commander to get him to voluntarily request the hotel records. If he is active duty, you know you have the military on your side. I would definitely use that if it turns out to be an affair and your next step would be to launch a full on exposure campaign.

Do you know who all the numbers on the spreadsheet belong to? You can do reverse phone lookups for the ones that you don't recognize. It costs under $5 per number.

No, the OM is a civilian, as is she. The exposure campaign has already commenced, I started that a few days later after I was shown this website. She was pissed at me for telling everybody and ruining her life and all that...basically I'm the bad guy type thing. After I exposed it thats when the actual phone calls stopped and resorted more to the text messages.

I went the old fashined way and just called the numbers from over here. Sure it costs minutes on my phone card, but she was ignoring my phone calls/emails to talk to him anyway. But I found his number and have been tracking it on the usage reports. There have been a few new numbers, and I plan on calling those as well.

After I exposed it thats when the actual phone calls stopped and resorted more to the text messages.

So it hasn't stopped? Why would you want to recover with someone that didn't stop??? She could also get another phone or a pay as you go phone??

I have done that too. I actually confirmed it by bluffing. I left a "I know who you are and what you are doing and I telling your husband" message on her phone on dday. I wasn't positive that it was here until my husband came in with a text from her to never contact him again. I also kept a journal. I kept track of where we were, what we were doing, when he would be missing, the nights we had fights, etc. I even tracked details of sexual activity. I would add the calls made, the times, etc. Once you put all the information in one place, the truth starts to be much easier to see. It may take a couple of weeks to put it all together. I still do this to monitor our recovery. Now it gives me the proof that he IS doing the right things. Previously, it proved the opposite.

Kirk,

This is our 4th deployment, and things never really took all that long to "get to know each other" again. We both kind of fell back into place when I got back almost immediately. Granted things now are different, but she has been telling our family that she is ready for me to come home so we can talk and work things out and all, but she hasnt stopped talking to the guy.


I'll give the voice recorder a try. I have the password to her myspace/email but I'll look for a key logger as well. Maybe she has a hidden email account. Reading the text messages would be a huge breakthrough if it was possible. My cell service says I need a court order to get those, so if any of you know a judge?? lol

So exposure has already made the affair less fun. Way to go!

a sim card reader from brickhousesecurity may read her texts. My husband had 2 phones and it only worked on one of them. You can take the sim card out when she is asleep and look at her texts on you computer.

definitely going to give the sim card a try..thanks for that.

What you do when you get home depends on what you feel is right. It's ALL your decision.

I would highly recommend shortly after returned and comfirming you did miss her, and still love her, you get to work on your boundries. Boundries are not idle threats. If you set boundries you better mean it.

Again, it's up to you... Me, I feel it sends the wrong message to jump into acting as if nothing happened. There need to be some correct action on her part before trust is regained.

Snooping... Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. She should be eager to share any/everything with you to help re-gain that trust.

Deception is a HUGE red flag! Something is still going on. Wouldn't you want to bendover backwards to regain her trust if the shoe were on the other foot?

Get home safe, communicate boundries, get a feel for her reaction and level and willingness for being transparent.

How honest has she been with you to this point?