Oh my, where to begin...

My wife and I have been married for nearly 2 years now. We dated for a year before getting married, but knew each other before dating. I have 3 kids from a previous and we now have a baby girl of our own. My wife lived at home with her parents until she was 29. She has a brother(32) that still lives there with his 10 year old daughter. We've been having problems in our marriage for quite some time now. The problems are mostly centered around the kids and the fact that we don't spend enough time together without them. Last week, she told me that she resent the fact that the kids mother wasn't around and that she wasn't supposed to be their full time mother. The next day, she told me that she wanted a "trial" separation. I proceeded to throw her out( Did I really throw her out if she was already leaving? ). I said some really nasty things towards her that I wish that I could take back. She left me with my 3 kids and took the baby to her parents house. Since, I've been trying to reconcile with her, with no luck. Now, here's the problem. Her parents are moving to Indiana in a little over a week. She's ULTRA attached to them. We were seeing a counselor for a while that said that she needed to "cut the umbilical cord." We've decided to keep trying our marriage through counseling and separation. She informed me today that she wanted to move with them. I'm of the opinion that it has A LOT to do with her parents leaving. I don't think that it's possible to restore love in our marriage, nor to achieve counseling from 1000 miles away. How in the world are we to do the things that we did when we were dating like that? A quote from her is "Can you let me make this mistake and be there for me to pick up the pieces." That sounds an awful lot like a game to me.

Am I right in assuming that it's martial suicide for her to go there? Wouldn't it be moving backwards for her to move with them, considering that she has an extreme attachment to them? I'm being accused of being controlling for not supporting her move. I should also add that she expects to take our daughter.

I will be showing her this post, any opinions or advice on both sides would be appreciated.

Welcome, and sorry you're here. Yes it would be marital suicide for her to go. Worse, it would seriously affect your relationship with your baby daughter. Tell her you do not permit her to take the baby. Maybe something like: "Honey, I know we've had our problems and I really want to fix them. I married you for life. Please move back home with our family." If she refuses, and insists that she's going to Indiana, explain that you have a responsibility to your new child, that you cannot adequately father from a thousand miles a away, and therefore, you request she not do the move. If she still says she's moving, then explain you'll have to seek legal means to protect your rights as a father. You need to do this today. If you don't have a good lawyer, find one now. It's much easier to keep her here rather than have to get her back. For the sake of your daughter, you need to do this.

Agreed. Hire a lawyer today to keep her from taking your child out of the state. You have rights too. Please take this seriously for the benefit of you and your daughter.

Agreed. See the lawyer today.

IMO, the best thing that can happen to your wife is for her family to move away. Only then will she be able to grow up. Be the bad guy for now, for HER. If she learns from this and grows, and cuts the cord, she'll eventually thank you.

I'd like more info, though, on the situation with your 3 kids. What's up with that? What are your wife's expected duties in all this?

When we married, she worked a full time job. After our baby daughter was born, she took her 6 week leave, then went back to work full time. I want to say that she worked for 2 months full time, during which we talked with a counselor about her quitting her job. I declined, siting that we cannot afford it, mostly because of the large amount of debt that she accrued before marriage. Shortly after, she turned in her notice and had agreed to work part time until help was found. She did this without me, and my best friend knew about it before I did. We went back to the counselor about it, and the counselor argued with me about it. I haven't been back to see her since. In the session, I told my wife that she was in charge of the house, dinner, etc. I was probably a bit harsh, but I've done my share of dishes and dinner, probably cooking 4 or 5 meals per week, including weekend bacon and eggs. Since, the house has been trashed. I can't describe the mess to you, but to give you an idea, we would have arguments about how long it's been since X was done. I started taking pictures. She accidentally showed them to someone( they were on my iPhone ), and was mad at me because she was embarrassed.

My 3 kids mother is an idiot. She calls them maybe once every month. We have them 80% of the time, as she lives 5 hours away.

Since she left, I've tried to be the "good husband." Flowers, soup when sick, etc, etc. I feel like I've been chasing my tail. I wish she'd throw me a bone.

I'm by no means a perfect husband. I'm heavily involved in the lives of my children. I coached basketball and baseball for the 2 oldest. We used to teach the 4 year old's sunday school class. She has a terrible temper. She learned it from her parents, and we constantly argue about how she speaks to myself and the kids. When the older kids are with their mother, we get along great. Yesterday, she told me that she feels like the kids come first in my life. She also told me that she feels like she lost who she was when we got married. She can't go and do her own thing because of the kids.

I have every intention of going back to counseling at the Christian center. I want to be come a better husband. I'm not ready for it to end. I said till death do us part, but I just can't see it working out from 1000 miles away. I spoke to my lawyer last week. He said that the fastest way to keep her from leaving with kid is file for divorce. I'm not ready for that.

I heard the old cliche last night, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If not, well...." I don't that applies to marriage. More like a bird... How much space do I give her?

Thank you for your responses.

I can see a lot of things that we can help you with to get your marriage back on track, but that'll have to wait til you get this cleared up. For now, I advise take the strong approach. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will fight her tooth and nail to keep your child in this town. That you can address the marriage later, but for now, know that you will not just accept her taking away your child, so be prepared for a fight. Basically, scare the crap out of her so she backs down.

IMO, that's all she understands.

I agree. You need to be clear, and you need to act legally now. Don't wait. If she leaves and you've taken steps, it will be considered kidnapping. That is frowned upon.