Hi
I have been married for almost 10 years, with two kids 4 and 7. My wife and I both work and do a lot of team tagging - you take the kids while I work etc...
I sometimes think we are better at doing that than at actually operating together as a team and a family.
We are currently trying to negotiate some time abroad for the family because of work demands and the issue is the timing. I find myself backing away from my position when I sense that it creates a conflict. This is not uncommon, and sometimes I have attributed it to character differences - she tends to be more forceful, I tend to be more mild mannered.
I m afraid that I will end up agreeing to something that does not suit my needs, but can't seem to get past the withdrawal and conflict stages to the enthusiastic stage.
I also find it very hard to just state my needs and the accompanying emotions.
I hate the fact that I tend to back down and yet I see myself doing it. How to get to true dialogue? Is the character issue real or is there other stuff going on, other issues I need to focus on to get to a good place with this.
thanks!

silverhorse

silverhorse,

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

May I respectfully suggest that it's not "character" or personality that is causing the problem? It's behavior, which is very much within your control....

It's about choices.

You can CHOOSE to state your position clearly and calmly and ask your wife to do so as well (of course, SHE has the choice to do the same...or not. Much depends on how you approach her).

You can choose to hear each other's point of view and consider them equally valid, respecting each other.

When you disagree, you can choose to brainstorm solutions that leave both of you satisfied, no "winner" no "loser," as equal partners, regardless of either partner's "character."

You are probably unfamiliar with the Marriage Builders' concept of the "Policy of Joint Agreement." Most of us here lived in ignorance of it, till that way of behaving (and many others) destroyed our love for each other, and often blew our marriages apart.

Suggest you read everything linked to the home page on this site. You will see that husbands and wives have the privilege of, and the responsibility to meet each other's emotional needs (you may be surprised at what some of them are); avoid hurting each other with thoughtless behaviors ("love busters"); and be radically HONEST with each other.

Our "character" is completely under our own control, whether or not we realize it. To deny that is simply being dishonest with ourselves. We cannot change someone else's, although we can invite them to make changes by showing them our own first. Here you will find a plan to learn how best to do that. Many of us have been successful. It's a lot of work, though. Are you up to it?

The marital wisdom found on this site, these forums and the accompanying books "His Needs Her Needs"and "Love Busters") has led my husband and me back to the romantic love and the way we treated each other when we first married. For us, it took the enormous pain of infidelity to get our attention. If you can learn and apply the principles outlined here, you can get there without the pain we suffered.

It is an awesome path of study. I invite you to learn about it so you and your wife can enjoy the marriage you want and make these decisions from love and caring, where neither of you live in resignation, resentment or sacrifice.

Blessings on you both.

Right Here Waiting

What is your fear?

You fear something will happen if you state your case. What is it?

Most likely disapproval or abandonment, the most typical fears.

What's the worst that will happen if you tell her what YOU want?

Thanks for the advice. Yes I think it is something I need to work on because it seems to be quite deeply rooted. I find it very difficult to be honest with my wife about my emotional needs, and I don't know the causes of this accomodating behavior, just know that it is there.

So tell her that! Ask her to help you!

I don't think that would work. She is not very supportive when it comes to my opening up about stuff I'm working on. But thanks for the advice

Please don't do what you don't think would work. You've been doing what you think will work and hating yourself...



Do you really think your wife wants you to hate yourself? Does she know you think she's unsupportive of intimacy, ownership and partnering? I do think your character is at stake here...because conflict-avoidance is dishonesty and is most often the key ingredient to ending marriages.

Radical honesty will get you to loving yourself again...regardless of how your wife responds or not. You'll stop deceiving. Which makes a lot of other stuff happen, btw...and lays at the root like a sickness.

Free and heal yourself. Not from your marriage, from your lies by omission. You see her as forceful and she may see you as wimpy. Sneaky. Manipulative.

When one partner over-does, leaves only room for under-doing. Full partners don't over or under do...they do, and do from love.

Builds trust, respect and results in loving feelings.

Every time you do not state, "I don't want conflict right now and I'm assuming there will be if I say I don't agree with you right now. I need help kicking my assumptions so I will stop lying to you by omission."

Both of you crave respect, equality, love and trust...and neither of you are acting from those things, so you aren't experiencing deep intimacy. Takes only one to change the pattern. You're here.

If you only act on guesses...supposing she will or won't, so you will or won't based on her...

you will continue to hate her for what you are choosing to do...which continues the cycle. Do it as an act of honor to your marriage to stop basing your choices on responses outside of your control...it takes your focus off what you can control...your choices.

Read the responses to you again...do not imagine these folks haven't been right where you are now...and by reading, especially about the respect inherent in the Policy of Joint Agreement, Radical Honesty, and Rules of Time and Care...they began loving themselves, their spouses, their marriages and lives a lot more than before. And it didn't depend on whether their spouses were supportive or not.

LA