I can't really help you with this list. They look good to me, but I am no expert. From what I have heard, the best polygraphers like to distill things into about three questions, because they have work the questions from many different angles and repeats in juxtaposition with control questions. I would try to find the key three questions.

Hi JoJo,

I am hopeful that you will finally have your questions answered so that you can begin making some progress in healing your marriage.

Although I have no training in polygraph operation I do believe that GreenMile's premise of operation is correct.

Your questions sound great but I would probably have three that I would ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW...

the answer to them would be very telling in my desire to heal the marriage.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH ME???

ARE YOU WILLING TO DO MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH ME IN ANY WAY I FIND APPROPRIATE INCLUDING MB???

ARE YOU WILLING TO BEGIN A NEW MARRIAGE WITH ME BASED ON ABSOLUTE TRUTH AND HONESTY???

You might visit with the examiner and get a feel from them if these questions are likely to be answered or if they need to be reworded to get the answers you need.

I'm very proud of you for taking control of your marriage. I know when I demanded we do MB it was the beginning of healing our marriage.

Hang in there!!! You're doing great!!!

Jim

Just sticking in my 2 cents. This saga sounds very similar to mine.

Don't ask what you already know. Example ... physical contact, that would be a yes, sitting beside her, arms touching is physical. A hug is physical but not necessarily sexual in WH's mind.
If he admitted to any kissing, fondling etc. then you know there was sexual contact. So don't ask.

If he denies sexual contact ( sorry I'm not up to date with your stitch ) then ask about that specifically.
Ask about sexual intercourse.
Ask about contact since a certain date.

Keep questions to a minimum and simple.

Wait right to the very minute that you have to leave for the test before canceling, if WH still refuses.
My WH spewed the night before, came clean with sexual contact but no sexual intercourse. I thought he was throwing me a bone. We still went ahead with the poly but the question had changed from sexual contact to sexual intercourse.

A poly only allows you to believe your WH is capable of telling a truth. I found that if WH was capable of telling the truth about a serious detail, it was easier to believe a truth about a less serious one.
Decide what are the deal breaker questions for you.

If WH agrees to do this, thank him. It is very stressful.

And, yes, good job for taking the initiative, it's tough. I know.

F?WH is not refusing to have the test. The only time he said NO was right after Dday. SInce then he has agreed to do it everytime (about 3X's) I have said I wanted him to take it. Hopefully that remains true.

I sent him information yesterday about the accuracy of computerized test (almost 100% with a qualified examiner) and some background on how it works. I want him to know this so that if he fails there will be no "it's wrong, I'm not lying" crap. I will have a discussion with him the night before and tell him now is the time to come clean, not after the test. It will be too late then.

He swears up and down since DDay that there was "NO PHYSICAL CONTACT" at all. No touching, not hugging, no kissing, and definitally no SF. Nothing! That's the reason for my questions about physical contact.

Those are my two sticking points, things I can't get past. Was there any physical contact and if he has had any contact with her since DDay 2 in August of last year other than what I mention below.

I know that he and one of coworkers saw her a back in Nov or Dec. H said that he didn't not even acknowledge her, just kept on walking even though co-worker stopped and talked to her.

The Poly examiner said that there will probably only be 3-4 questions. I have to email him the background info and what I hope to learn from the polygraph.

I'm still in the process of finding a date that works. It was set up for Friday at 1pm but H has a meeting at 2pm that he cannot reschedule. It's with his boss and a client and 'yes' I did verify that that's true. I will call the examimer during lunch today when I'm out of the office and try to get it scheduled for Monday afternoon.

I doubt that a polygrapher would say these questions would work...and if one did, I would doubt their ability.

Poly questions need to have definitive "yes" or "no" answers. Answers about feelings, or answers that can change (like those above) won't work. I wouldn't waste your time on these.

Questions like the ones you are wondering (when the last contact happened, how much physical contact, etc.) will work, because they are FACTUAL. But they will be worded into YES or NO questions ("Was the last physical contact with OW in Sept. of 2007?" (or whatever)..."Did you have SF with OW during your relationship?", etc.).

Also, it's best to stick to one subject...including multiple subjects messes with the results. I'm not sure how much overlap is ok, talk to the polygrapher about that.

MF'r gotz it right.

Hi MarriedForever!

I agree and disagree.

I agree that she will know more about the cheating she probably knows already has occured with the factual questions.

I disagree with not asking the questions for recovery during the polygraph.

I think only JoJo truly knows what her goal with the polygraph is...

If it is only to get whether or not her husband has been physically unfaithful to her would be one thing...

If it is to have her husband answer the three most important questions as honestly as he ever will to give her the best answer as to whether she wants to work on the marriage or not is another thing.

She will NEVER get more honest answers than he will give during the polygraph.

If she wants to do a second polygraph is up to her.

I can't speak for JoJo but for me, the questions of whether to work on the marriage was more important to me.

But, that's just me.

Everyone has their own opinion as to what they need.

I knew the pigpen was filthy.

I wanted to know if she wanted to get out of it...

Jim

I agree. The whole reason for my wanting the polygragh is because I have major doubts about the extent of the relationship and I need to know if there has been continued contact with the SOW.

I, like a lot of people here, have a hard time believing that he spent a year + getting his EN's meet by the SOW and it never went any further.

My H has been a different man, husband and father, the last 7 months in most regards. I just need to make sure that he's not just blowing smoke up my a$$ and that what I see is real.

It's just so hard to believe in what I see after everything that has happened.

I'm just telling you what the polygrapher told ME...that only factual questions with answers that CANNOT CHANGE will work on a poly.

The answers to how willing he is to work on recovery can CHANGE...they are not factual, they are "feelings" questions, therefore the answers will be highly inaccurate on a poly.

A good polygrapher will tell you this and not take your money to ask questions that are not FACTUAL and will not give accurate answers. That is all I am saying, based on what they polygrapher told ME. And we went to one of the best polygraphers in the country...he has written the algorithms used in many of the polys used today (or something ).

Jim,
I do want to my M to work, I love him. D is the last option for me. D doesn't just hurt him and I it hurts my kids and our Families, but it's not off the table even with that said.

My sticking points are not knowing the extent of his Infidelity and if it's still going on.

Like you, my marriage per A was a Pigpen. I still shutter when I think back on how it was. H and I are on the same page with wanting to work on our marriage. Since I talked to him about he not making the effort to find ways to make it better, just letting me do it, he has started to step up. Little things but I think that he may be on the way to "getting it"

Thanks for all your Help!! I really appreciate it.

BTW ~ I want to apologize to you for the T/J it wasn't my intention. I even open my own thread about the poly but for some reason I'm getting more help on yours

I agree with this, I would have a h*lluva hard time believing this as well. THIS is a question that the poly could ask, it is factual, it is not a "feelings" question.

MF,
A part of me believes him when he says there was no physical contact and here's why:
He didn't look at what he was doing with her as cheating...he was very adamant until after DDay2. He insisted that they were friends.....right up to DDay2. For the 4 months between DDay 1 and 2, I bombarded him with information from MB, books ("Not Just Friends", "Surviving Infidility") etc about what an EA was, how it happens and why it was wrong.

The night before DDay2 I had an especially bad night, pretty much lost it emotionally, sat in our closet in the dark (I didn't want the kids to see) and cried, I wanted my mom so bad (she's been gone for 5 years now) and when he tried to comfort me I pushed him away, asked him to give me a few minutes to pull myself together.

Well, the next day, he contacts her....HE CONTACTED HER....I believe that was what made him finally see what was between them. It made him see that he had been turning to the SOW for emotional support when things were bad between us. It also made him see that he was addicted to her and her emotional support and that he would betray and lie to me again to get that support. :twobyfour:

That same day that he contacted her, when he got home from work, I had yet another talk with him about why she WAS NOT his friend and that they MAY HAVE been 'friends' in the beginning, but once either of them crossed the line, they were no longer friends, something more and there was no going back.

This was all before I checked the key logger, because 4 months in I was starting to trust him and wasn't checking everyday, and found out that he'd contacted her AGAIN.

For the first 3 weeks after d-day #1 my H INSISTED it they were "just friends" and got MAD when I called it an EA. He wouldn't even call it THAT and to "prove" that it never got physical he even told me that she had two huge moles on her face/neck (and I know for a fact that that disgusts him) and he wasn't even attracted to her!

I found out 2 weeks later that it HAD gotten physical. It wasn't until I had indisputable facts that he admitted it.

Go for the poly, it's the only way you will ever know for sure and you cannot get into real R until you know the truth.

Oh...the poly is a definite, it's going to happen, hopefully on Monday.

I'm going to lay it all on the table for him pre-poly. If he fails this polygraph and has continued to lie to me even going into this then I'm DONE. I KNOW for a fact that I will never trust him again.

How did you get your proof that your H's was physical? And how far physical was it?

I got proof because he was dumb enough to take his best friend with him to "run into" her at a bar. She lives out of state so I knew if they "ran inot" each other, it was planned.

I told his best friend and his W about the "EA" but that FWH had sworn they had not physically been together (except for a couple of group gatherings that I knew about). When I realized he lied about this "run-in" I knew something was up.

It was completely physical...full on SF in hotels. Disgusting, just like one would do with a hooker. And that is how he feels about it today...that he may as well have scr*wed a hooker.

I find out for sure next week. I got an email from the examiners office and they said he was administoring test today and would call me this afternoon to reschedule the appointment.

I'm anxious to have this done and wish I'd done it months ago when he first said that he would do it. Oh well...hind sight is 20/20

So that I'm not continuing to t/j Jim's thread I'll post back on my thread....Is it too late for a polygraph.

Thanks JIM and sorry again for the t/j

JoJo, No problem with borrowing the thread. It looks like you got some great help and we all look forward to your posting the results of the polygraph.

I hope you get the answers you need to heal...

Mrs.Flint and I have been trying to get the snow from the blizzard out of our eyes and are finally starting to defrost...

Jim

In reading the stories of those that have been successful in restoring their marriages, ours included, there is a common theme...

There must be a division between the behaviour that was conducive to an affair and that which restored the marriage and where the healing began...

There also MUST be a POINT at which the WS EARNED back some dignity...

and that the BS began to GIVE forgiveness and ACCEPT their OWN shortcomings in the failed marriage...

The WS CANNOT be punished for the affair the rest of their lives with any reasonable hope of restoring the marriage.

For Mrs.Flint and I the beginning of MB and the choice of a new ring symbolized the beginning of our marriage's restoration. I know this may or may not be right for everyone but it gave us a tangible line of division from being unsuccessful to successful.

I believe MANY people would benefit from knowing how people that were successful had negotiated the transition from a failing marriage to working on a successful fulfilling marriage that they BOTH could identify WHERE it started.

If you would not mind sharing when and how the dividing line between failure and success happened and how you acheived it I believe it would be helpful to a great many who are struggling with the idea that they cannot change their marriages.

Thanks for your ideas and God bless.

Jim

Hi Jim,

I've had to ponder this one.

For 4 months after D-Day, my behaviour towards my WH was superficial, an act. This was because I didn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. There was no recovering going on whatsoever.

When I finally got tangible info that he was capable of telling the truth about a detail that would have been the hardest for him to admit, that was the beginning of R, for me. I believe H confessing to the final details, was the beginning of his R too. He cleaned out his house so that new and improved tenants could come in.

I'm still waiting to see a second definite line in R.

I may not because this phase seems to be a gradual progression. I have already dissected myself to death to realize my own shortcomings that caused a weak M. My H is slowly but surely realizing his. I think that is why this is so gradual.
With comments that sound rational, and decisions made out of care for me rather than him, I am building a new faith for our M.

Take care and I look forward to reading others insights.