Good morning Chrysalis

I read the above quote out to Flick and he totally agreed. He himself had noticed that every single time we make a big headway, things seem to turn to custard the next day and it takes a few days to get back to the previous high. It was great, I thought I was the only one noticing

As far as Chewie and gifts. I agree with you needing to talk to him about it after the fact. I read on here once that expectations are just premeditated resentment. I have the normal woman thing of wanting my H to "just know what I want because I do it for him" but the reality is he isnt wired that way and if I want my needs met, Im going to have to let him know what they are. If nothing else I can say I was honest and I tried. Any failure on his part is entirely his to own.

Chai, you are absolutely heroic to do what you have done and I appreciate your good thoughts and words. I think we are going to outline for DS25 the reality that his choices are his own to make all by his adult self tonight. He has spent nearly the last 24 hours pretty much prone on the couch and I get mad every time I look at him.
Lil,
"good yesterday afternoon!"-- does that make sense given that we are 21 hours behind you or is "happy tomorrow night" more apt? Good reminder about expectations/resentments. Hugs to you & Flick!

Good yesterday afternooon is perfectely acceptable. I guess I should respond with good tommorrow afternoon, it looks like its going to be good, I'll try and keep it in good order for your use later

hugs to you and Chewie as well

Well, there is a little swarm of better news tonight.
DD22 got good news back from her first "real" audition! DS25 has come to and started to behave rationally again. We've had the "time to be an adult" talk and the talk about not being willing to allow his behavior to harm the rest of us. He very much wants to try naltrexone (a med which may reduce cravings for alcohol.) DS15 made it through the school day without a meltdown and has bought in to his new and improved behavior management plan.

We had a phone call from cold, dark place with some information about services, have identified some questions about the place nearby, and all of a sudden Chewie got calls from 4 more places this evening that look promising. There are a couple of those that are, so far at least, of interest to us, and he is going to expedite those discussions.

I expect to have more discussions with the 2 school districts in question very soon. It doesn't feel so grim tonight.

And tomorrow, two of my charity board friend who live in the area are taking me to a late morning tea in honor of my birthday.

That's all.

Sounding good

Lil, saw your prayer request, and I've got your back!

Today saw more progress. I had a very nice lunch with my friends, (all of whom have one or more kids who are bipolar and/or autistic and share the same understanding of war stories and same warped sense of humor) and was treated to a lovely tea and many presents. Women are just better at this.

Chewie had a talk with one of the groups that contacted him yesterday. All of a sudden, we are both thinking this might be a place we could POJA a move to. It has something for everyone.

It is far enough away that there could be no regular meetings with OW. In fact, she'd have to move heaven and earth to see Chewie.

It has both sunshine-- lots-- and mountains-- lots.

There is professional baseball-- though not at the level we are spoiled to.

There is a network of autism services that is comparable to the ones we have here.

The cost of living is lower than here by far.

The money seems to be in the range of what we need to make it work-- though we have questions to ask.

Mind you, Chewie only talked to the gatekeeper today, and there is a lot more that needs to happen really fast to make this happen at all.

So could I entreat upon you other prayer warriors out there to keep us in mind?

Whenever, in our 30 years together, we have needed a car, we have asked God to provide the right car, at the right time, for the right price. Once it was a very cool, old, $500 Plymouth. Once it was a brand-new Jaguar. And everything in between. After Chewie quit praying, I continued that practice. I've never, ever thought I was in the "wrong" car, and very many times, my human efforts to change cars were met with a big fat NO! until the "right" time. There was one particular car that I **hated** but couldn't get rid of (mysteriously) and one memorable day, I discovered the reason I had ** that** car. Later, God let me get rid of it. (smile)

Now seems the time for the same prayer. The right job, the right place, the right money, the right time, the right provisions for schools, housing, other kids, and other obligations (like existing houses.)

That's all.

Chrys,

I have no advice, but have been following along, praying and pulling for you. So glad to see you're having a day where the clouds have parted a bit.

RHW

Thanx sweety and right back at ya

RHW & Lil, Thanks.

OK, I gotta gloat.
This is totally non-M related.

Talked to DD22. She apparently did REALLY well in her audition, was told that she was one of only 2 "just finishing school" people in the city that tried out and that she was better than a lot of the people they saw who have been working on Broadway! They loved it that being so new she could pull off the audition. That her monologue was something they didn't know and she nailed it. That her resume was an accurate representation of her skills. She was told that some of the people from Spring Awakening tried out but they all used really tired monologues and that was not appreciated. And they loved it that she pulled off her 2 minutes in the room with grace!

Her program director was on the panel for the auditions and DD22 didn't know it until she walked into the room. When she was done one of the people she didn't know turned to the pd and said "She's one of yours, isn't she?" and pd gushed back, "Of course!" PD has been repeatedly gushing to DD22's classmates about how DD22 did ever since.

So she was picked. I suspect she is "musical ensemble" rather than a main character but whatever, it is great and I am so proud!

It isn't something she will get paid for--everyone gets film credits and something nice for their "reel." A good start. It's a very short term collaborative project.

You seem so proud it comes through the Internet.

And you should be.

You might have a rising star on your hands...

Congrats to DD (and of course to proud Momma and Papa)

Mark

going up from Texas

Hi, all.

I'm having a hard time. (surprise!)

Tonight we told DS15 about our plans to move.

He cried.

I felt slugged in the stomach one more time, with the evil Chewie brought to our family. A child with disabilities should not have to move to clean up his father's adultery. He should not have to be wondering what life will be like without his friends. He should not be thinking that the "I love LA" song at the end of Dodger games is a "goodbye" for him. He should not be wondering what will happen to him. With all his other issues, the only thing he should be getting from his parents is that we will keep him safe and help him deal with the stuff he can't handle.

I am so sad tonight. It just killed me to see Ds15's tears.

Yet we have a choice. Which terrible thing will we give to this child?

-- Your parents are divorcing and your family is destroyed

or

-- You must move far away from the home you know.


Chewie had nearly 5 years to do the right thing and end his affair. Because he didn't, I can't figure out how to stay married to him without moving. Moving is at a terrible cost to the children, especially DS15. I moved many times as a child and the effects were always catastrophic. It is not a trivial thing to do to child, and I swore I'd never do it to my kids. But here I am, pushed to a choice between moving and divorce. I just don't see any other way.

IS there something I am missing?

bad

I read back on your posts. You did write the pros and cons already. Each choice is hard. I am sorry.

Bubbles, your advice is terrible and you need to stop the non-MB stuff. So what if he refuses to see POSOW? Chrysalis has already given him chances to do that and has endured many false recoveries becasue he lied about doing it. Even if he really wouldn't do that now (and I think that Chrysalis believes now that he wouldn't see her)- it's about environment and trust and getting that back and making Chewie do whatever Chrysalis needs him to do to recover. And this is not the children's choice- it's Chrysalis's choice! I don't know your history, I'll find your thread, but the reason FOR MB is to change and grow and make better marriages. For Chewie to NOT be that kind of man anymore. You need to knock it off, people here are trying to SAVE their marriage and you're trite and hurtful answers don't help.

Chrysalis- you have endured more than anyone should have to and the fact that you are still going forward with your marriage is an indication of just how strong you are. I really admire you.

I wish you were missing something, but you're not. Is chewie helping with the children- esp your son- dealing with the move? Make him do some of this emotional heavy lifting, though you do most of the logistics with your son's services.

If you want to recover your marriage, and obviously you do, this is the right thing to do. The whole problem with life is that we can't look into the future to see if a decision we're making today is the right one! But (and I have a son who is on the autism spectum, though on a mild level) he will acclimate, you know what you need to do in his case and using his strengths to help him through. It's a lot to do with presentation, I think, at least it was with my son. You know him best and you know he can do this or you wouldn't have it as an option.

Yes, it stinks, yes, your son's reaction is hard to see, but you do what is right for YOU and your marriage and your recovery, and IMVHO that will be right for your son also.

You want to give it one more shot, give it your best. I'm praying that Chewie pulls through.

Sorry, HTH you are exactly right. Lucky I could still edit them

Bubbles, thank you....I didn't mean to be so harsh, but Chrysalis has been through a LOT, and made (and is making) really hard choices- it's hard to build a marriage back after infidelity, and Chewie has made it harder.....hopefully no more...Chrysalis is doing the best she can. It's a rollercoaster, remember, and not even a fun one!