So, how do I clean up the mess I made and get my husband back?
I discovered this website too late. I will be leaving out a lot of details in an attempt to summarize what has happened.

My husband and I have been married almost 5 years (in May). We were starting to try to have a baby when I found out last December that he was having an affair with someone he met through work but he said "he only kissed her" a couple of times. This woman does not work with him; she is a friend of one of his co-worker/friend's wives and comes along to his social work functions w/ the wife. She has a 2 year old daughter and is not married. I met her last spring and have seen her a handful of times since then and actually liked her! I had no clue...

Anyway, my husband started acting distant around the fall and told me he was missing the passion in our relationship, questioning whether we were right for each other, etc. Long story short, in December I discovered that he had been text messaging this woman and when confronted, he admitted to falling in love with her! I forced him to an ultimatum, me or her. He reluctantly chose me (OUCH) and we started marriage counseling (only made it to about 3 sessions). I made him change his phone number and swear to no contact, and tell me where he was at all times. I was instinctively trying to be nice, attractive and fun while trying to forgive him at the same time. (maybe this was like Plan A that I read about? I only did it because I realized that maybe I was taking him for granted and wanted to show him how much I appreciated him)

I also had confided in my mother and my close friends and they were pissed at him but agreed he was a good guy who could be forgiven if he committed to changes. He was still acting less than affectionate and we weren't able to have sex. I was suspicious so about a month ago, I snooped a little harder and found that he was calling her but just deleting it from his phone. (WHAT A DUMB DUMB I WAS!) So of course I was devestated and crying and told him that again, he needed to choose me or her or I was done with this relationship.

He started crying and said he couldn't stop seeing her and he is wondering if she might be the love of his life. He is worried that he married me out of loneliness. I asked him if he was going to leave me for her and he said he didn't know. Well, I told him to pack his things and go so that I could figure out what to do next. I told him that I would let him know when I had made a decision. I consulted my friends and mom who agreed that if he didn't choose me, then we needed to separate so he could see what life without me would be like. They were all so shocked by his bizarre behavior---he is normally a compassionate, dedicated, loving man! (and by the way, I am not a b***h, I was just heartbroken and trying to be strong)
A few days later I called him and asked him to come home so we could talk. I explained the situation; choose me and we work this out. Or don't and we separate and figure out the divorce later. TO MY SHOCK, he chose to separate! So I called his sister and told her what was happening, and she contacted his family, and I told the rest of my family what was happening. They tried talking to him but it didn't do any good.

I asked him to please give me his wedding ring since he chose to leave the marriage. He made me promise not to throw it away since he always wants it to remember "us" and I told him that I would give it back to him some day. So now he has moved to an apartment and has been there for a couple of weeks. He has been so apologetic for hurting me and breaking my heart and he is just trying to follow his feelings and never meant to hurt me.

The only positive thing is that my husband agreed to meet with a different counselor. I asked him if he was open to just having a non legal separation for awhile and he said yes, he is not set on any course of action.
I think he has been seeing her freely for a couple of weeks now. Let me just tell you that it is completely crazy that he is seeing her. He says he has been seeing her/ emailing her since last August but they were just friends; he was helping her with advice about her loser boyfriend who was an on again off again dad. He found they had a lot of common interests and his feelings just grew.
Not to be too rude, but she is just pure trashy! Flaunts her body and bats her eyelashes at any man! I have a very strong feeling their relationship will end! I am willing to wait for it to crash and burn and he will come back to me (feel 99% sure) but am also not sure about the damage I have done to letting all of my friends and family know about this. What will they think of me if I let him come back? So have I made too much of a mess of this whole thing? Am I totally wrong for thinking it is best for him to experience life with her so he will see how bad it is? Thanks for any insight.

Like I said,I discovered this website too late.

Hi hw,

Welcome to MB!

It's not too late, you actually did quite a bit of right things.

First, read up on MB philosophy, the articles at the top and basic concepts.

Second, it will be most helpful to read the books Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and Love Busters in that order. The articles will get you started and the books will build on them.

Third, you need to find out about OW as much as possible. She may have a B/F that you don't know about, who her family members are and where she works.

Fourth, you need to expose the A to all of them, and the mutual friends that she tags along to social functions with. Anyone that has any influence whatsoever over your H should know. Yours and WH family knows so this is good.
Does he see her on work time or use work time/phone to speak with her?
If so, put his workplace on this list.

The purpose of exposure is to blow apart the A as much as possible, unravel the fantasy life that your WH is living in.
They say here that an A is like a fungus, grows in a dark and secret place. Bring the fungus to the light of day, and it dies.

Expose all at once with no warning to WH. Be prepared for WH to be furious, this is expected and what should happen.

Everything WH has said about his feelings to you are clouded by his fantasy right now, ignore it all as if it didn't even leave his mouth.

Fifth, read up on Plan A. You had already started it when he was home so that is another good thing.

Others will land here in the am, but this should be enough to get you thinking. I sure hope this makes some sense, I'm really tired.

Study this, it will be your bible.


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Hi Hope&Wait,

I'm very sorry that you find yourself here. It's the weekend and will be a little slow because of that, but don't lose hope! The vets will be here soon to help you out.

My advice to you is to read, read, read on here and learn all that you can. You did great by letting everyone know. Exposure is a huge part of ending the A. Once the fantasy is exposed, it becomes harder on the affair partners. Of course, your H will be a little ticked at you, but that is because you are intruding on his delusions. Ugh.

Also, think about if you REALLY want to recover your relationship. You've only been married five years and have no children and this is happening. Is it worth it? Only you can make that decision, but don't forget about all of your options.

Again, read and listen to what the vets tell you. They really do know their stuff. I wish you the best of luck, my friend.

~Verve!~

p.s. It's never too late to find this site. It can help you in many aspects of your life, not just your marriage.

This story and writing style seems very familiar and I wonder if this is ChitChat who posted here?

wasn't chit chat pregnant??

I personally would find it extremely difficult to move beyond an affair of that sort. More power to you if you can!
I my hubby and I have recently had some issues and by talking to some friends I learned of "emotional affairs." My husband isn't having one and neither am I; but we now know that this type of things exists. Our friends, unfortunately didn't until after it happened.
So we have taken it upon ourselves to be educated about what an emotional affair means, and found that often times physical affairs start out as emotional ones; then progress to physical affairs.
I know we always want things to work out the way we WANT them to. I hope things work out that way for you. Whatever happens, I wish you luck and a speedy recovery from such a hard time!

I told his co-worker friend and his wife, but my husband has been "smearing" me. He has been saying that I am a b***h and am selfish. He is unhappy. That is not what he has been telling ME at all! I do want to still try and get him back because he says he loves me still. We have been together for 8 years.We were going to have kids. I can't imagine my life without him! This is a strange trip he is on. I just hope he will be open to doing the Emotional Needs and Love Busters questionnaires.