And yes, I sent hi sort of a 'plan b' letter in the past..

But please, provide your detailed input.


Anyhow, he has been calling frequently and we talk about all sorts of things except for what happened in the past. Well, about that rock bottom thing, he doesn't have a vehicle at all. The SUV he had when we were together I heard from a reliable source was repossessed and he told me he doesn't have it b/c the motor blew out. Then he told me he bought an old car from his dad but later found out that motor was no good...so basically he has been borrowing a car from his brother, which he had to return and a car from his dad...which he returned 2 days ago. Now, here's the thing that gets me....after all of the things he has put me through...he's asked me to help him!!!!

And yes I thought about when was the last time he has talked to that other woman or seen her and I know it had to be at least 2-3 weeks ago. Part of me does want to believe he is sincere, but another part is telling me to guard my heart.

Another thing is that knowing that information has turned me off. Like, he's basically in the same circumstance he was when I met him and when we were together. It's like I want to feel like I'm taken care of...like I want a REAL MAN who I know can handle business and take care of this family...not me acting like the man. It kind of hurts right now b/c he's turning me off. I feel like I've outgrown him.

So what should I think?? I mean I still do love him but I'm not going through the same things again. And there is a bond b/c he is my first husband and the father of our children.

Please don't just say "file for a divorce" or "get rid of him" elaborate on it...thanks.

well, heeding the advice of others and remembering how things used to be with my husband, it seems like he is in the same situation he was when I met him and was with him. I mean he's asking me for help with this car and it's turning me off. It's like yes, I do feel for him b/c he has no transportation, but then again I feel like it is not my problem. I feel like I am enabling this behavior...like I'm "saving" him...when he should be a man and grown up that he is and provide for himself...because if he can't provide for himself, then how can he provide for us?

I feel like I am going to once again be the breadwinner of the family and he's just trying to control things again. I DO want to give him a chance and thank God that my prayers of him calling were answered, but from what I hear him say...I see that he is not ready spiritually and I feel like right now I would be taking chances...

By helping him I feel like I would just make it easy on him...I mean sometimes I feel like asking him "haven't you learned anything?" And then he's acting like everything is "all good" that he can just waltz back into our lives and expect everything to be OK and not discuss how and what we must do to improve the "marriage". At one point he expressed some frustration that I seemed to be hesitant to get him a car...but I told him not to place the blame on me because he knew he had to return the car he was borrowing from his dad way before he called me and that he should've had a back up plan and not rely on me.

I want him to be a MAN, you know?

and then I told him I was planning to move to Dallas...and he was like yeah I'm going to move too...like with us! And he wants his oldest son, who is 19 to live with us. His son hasn't even graduated high school and right now looks like he is not active in trying to get his GED. Yes, I can imagine if it were our son, I wouldn't want to leave him on the street...but he has to have a goal and want to help himself not bum around the house and stay out all the time.

My husband wants to be together but I don't know of he is sincere...I mean c'mon how do I know if he's not "effn" some other woman???

SO.......

why is he asking me? What really are his intentions?? Is he reaching out to me and is e being sincere about it?? Am I enabling his behavior if I were to help him???

forgot to add...I did expose the affair after I knew who it was with.

If I were to send him another "plan B" letter, would it do any good? I have not been in contact with him lately.

Plan B is not working unless he meets all your demands.

I'm not going to give the simple "Get a divorce" kind of thing.

But you do need to get one.

When I was a child learning to read, one of my favorite books was about a little bird going up to all kinds of animals asking "Are you my Mother?"

Well - he thinks he can get you to mother both him and his son - both of them seem to be hit with the same no good lazy streak.

In other words, if you had read "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" there'd be no question if he's a buyer or renter. Even to his own family, he's a dirty rotten freeloader.

Think back to when you were married. Did he ever take responsibility for anything? Or has this "never grow up" attitude always been around on some level?

My response, if he were my husband, that had been off my radar cheating with another woman for 13 months, and is likely still cheating but needs a bail out, would be to serve him with divorce papers, liquidate all joint assets and get the heck out of Dodge!

Treat yourself as if you were in witness protection with regard to him.

He has not earned the right to contact you, let alone suggest you allow him to become dependent on you.

He will never grow up and neither will his son, as a freeloader that's being enabled by a kind-hearted woman.

I agree with KaylaAndy.

Your husband's thoughts in "reaching out to you" seem to be, "I'll sweet talk her into getting me a car and supporting me and my kid, and I'll still do whatever I want."

Shut him down quick! Don't let him mooch off you any more!

Cuz, that's all a freeloader is...a really big moocher!

HGG,

I just read some of your earlier posts...

This guy doesn't want to "be a family again." He wants a bailout and then it will be back to business as usual.

Let him have his tawdry OW and his tawdry life and figure it out for himself.

All those months of freedom from his immaturity and selfishness should give you the strength to ignore him, for your own good and that of your children.

This guy is NOT loving spouse material. You are worth SO much more. Your life will not improve in any way if you let him back into it.

I wish you peace.

Right Here Waiting

I'm just going to comment on a few statement straight from your post. Perhaps this will help clear your mind.


What were your conditions for him to return to the marriage? Has he met them? If no, then continue with Plan B until he does. Make your plan B darker - it sounds like you guys are talking.

So he's still lying. If he's lying to you about this, how can you trust him about more important issues, such as whether the A is over or not?
He's asking for you to help him, not to return to the marriage.

If this is something that you know for a fact, it's unlikely the A is over, regardless of what he says.

There is no point in going back to the exact same marriage that you had before the A. How will it be any less prone to another A? The idea of MB principals is to build a NEW marriage based on honesty and boundaries.

This is a repeating theme in your post. He's clearly just asking for help. He's preying on your emotions because he thinks it will get him that help. If you want a marriage with this man, you want him to step up and fulfill the conditions - which seem to me that they should include being a MAN, as you have stated so often in this post. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm just trying to point out your own thoughts on this.

If this is a pattern for him and you help him continue this pattern, then you are enabling this pattern. And it's not really helping him if you do, because he won't need to learn HOW to provide for himself if he's always got someone to bail him out. Can you see this?

If you give in under these circumstances, you are going to have the same deadbeat that cheated on you in the first place. This is where you stand firm, restate your Plan B conditions and leave him to figure it out.

As long as you allow him to waltz back in without demonstrating change, he will.

Expressing frustration at you for something you had nothing to do with (him not having a car) is classic wayward behavior.

Yes, I know. Do you? Does he?

Sounds like he's been a tremendous role model for his son. Do you want him to be the same role model for your children?

You don't because he's still lying to you. So chances are he is.
You most certainly would be enabling his behavior if you were to help him right now. Guaranteed. If you want him to change, set out your conditions and wait for him to make the changes. He has made no changes so far.

Any man can ask to "come back" and live off you, get you to buy him a new car, other things, etc.

But this man/baby/cheater/liar/user/manipulator is not worth taking back.

Be glad glad glad you are finally RID of this particular man!!!

Girl, If you find yourself weak and wanting to take him back, and you even respond to his calls, go run and get yourself some psychological help!

HGG

Before I met my current H, I had been involved with a guy for quite a few years. We fought like cats and dogs, he was VERY abusive mentally, physically and emotionally to me. I would kick him out, then a while later he would be there again being all sweet and like a changed man and as soon as I let him back in--bam!! There was the abusive ingrate again. He just used me for money and material things. I won't get into the things he did to me physically but my point is...that guys like this USE people to get what they need at that moment.
It took me almost 7 years to get the courage to get rid of this guy and now I look back and think what an idiot I was.
Get this guy out of your life. Once and for all--he is a USER.

If I were in your situation (hey wait a minute...I was!)
I would explain what you had experienced over the last 13 months, the pain, the financial problems, the changes...
then I would ask...how are you going to make it up to me?

Then gauge his answer to determine if he is sincere. If he is TRULY sincere, he will begin right away to doing what he can to make things up to you and the family. Only after he has fulfilled...not just talked about...but fulfilled, his promises of making up for the pain, would I consider accepting him back.

My thought is that he doesn't have it in him to do this, as I'm reading others don't seem to think he does either. And if I read between the lines of your posts, you don't think he does either....

Don't accept too little...