I am new here although I am familiar with MB.

My WW has been "friends" with a previous coworker for the last year to maybe 18 months. It initially started with txting and calls etc. I have come to find out this week there were numerous dinners and other social settings they were together. I have always been worried about their relationship. It is a long story but when I discovered about the excessive txting etc, I was told by WW they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. The issue is WW has lied for him and continued to be dishonest to me, even when asked point blank. Only if I confronted her with specifics would she admit it. Then I got the old excuse I knew you'd be mad so I lied.

I have confronted WW and OP and they both insist that there is nothing physical. There is a part of me that considers the OP may be truthful is saying they are only friends. I think there is a possiblity that it might be my WW that has formed the emotional bond? Then again maybe I am being incedibly naive? Maybe it is more than emotional and has gone physical. I don't wish for this to be worse, but even if it was physical, the hurt is so deep at the moment that I may not feel it.

When I told her it was OP or me, she was outraged and threatened to divorce me immediately. As the week has winded down things are settling back in to "normal". She says she wants to give us another chance, but I have not pushed the issue of the OP. I guess I thought she needed time to work that out on her own? I am also realistic in that I am scared to push that again.

She seems to be hesitant to go to counseling, but I have been truthful that it won't work without it. I think she may go, but not sure if it gets specific to her actions she will walk out.

OK I am incoherent, upset, writing poorly and losing my WW that I still love. Am I doomed or can this work? Any and all help appreciated.

RoseCroix

Welcome RC,

Please read the articles about lovebusting. You will find that making challenging remarks does not work. It also undermines your own credibility if you do not back it up.

You need to apply plan A to this situation. Never tell you wife what you intend to do about exposure, just do it. Expose where possible, at work, home, his friends and her friends. Do this by telling the folk that you are trying to save your own marriage.

Now read the articles and "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

I'd say it's 99.999% that it's gone to a PA.


So you told her it's you or OM and she threatened D. Ok. She wants her cake and to eat it too. How dare you stand in the way of her fence sitting. See where this is going?



So what are you scared of? Her anger? So what's worse, her anger or losing her to another man? By doing nothing, you enable her A.

It's time to NOT let fear dictate your actions. You're going to have to step up and fight for this M. There's no time for fear. This is not going to go away on its own. It's not going to be easy, and it's going to get alot worse before it gets better.

You are going to have to do things that seem counterintuitive. Bringing this A out in the open is one of them. Around here it's called Exposure.

Read here about plan A and plan B. And start to muster up some courage. This will be the hardest thing you will do in your life.

What is Plan A and Plan B

You might want to start another thread on the Gen Question II forum. It's busier.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I know that I need to not blink. I know that this will not get better. I guess the naive me wonders could she really not know what is going on at some level. I realize all the lies and deception make that seem unlikely, but my WW really is a kind person. If anything that is likely where this started. Trying to help yet another person. Now that is not said to take all blame from me. I must go down the path of figuring out how I contributed to this.

Today (for now at least) she has agreed to counseling. I truly do not see that as optional but our only way to survive this.

I will read more.

Rosecroix

Just so that you know...counseling is useless in an active A. Most C don't have a clue how to handle infidelity. And most are not pro M. If she is willing you should call the Harleys(owners of this site). They are the experts and they can give you a PLAN. I strongly urge you to C with them. They do phone C. One hour with them will save you months with your avg run of the mill C. And they can see through her verbage.

It's DEFINITELY an A and, if this has been going on for so long, quite likely a PA too. Sorry.

How long have you been M'd? Any children involved?

WW has lied about the OM. Has hidden what she did with the OM. Now admits to dinner with the OM. This was done so WW can deny a PA.

My years reading here say's this is a PA. You must expose to WW's parents and her siblings and the OMW. Then gather intelligence.

You need to get a key logger for the computer. Copies of phone bills. Place a voice activated digital recorder to hide in the home and to hide one in her car.

Then you need to get real time GPS for WW's car. This way you can tell if WW is at work, motel, or OM's home. Lowest cost to do this is to get a cell phone with real time GPS. Get the cheapest plan because you won't use much minutes and the GPS feature is included in the base fee.

I am trying to understand what exactly getting all the salacious details helps? At this point if I had a video, she would not admit the problem. It only seems to make me feel worse and more of a dope to have wished for the best. I know there is an affair. EA or PA does it really matter for Plan A? If we counsel in Plan B the important facts will come out. I see the actual details as only working to make me feel worse or her way of punishing me for my mistakes.

You are right in that an affair is an affair--EA or PA. But you do need to snoop so that you know what is going on in your own marriage. I do not know what you mean by "If we counsel in Plan B..."

Plan B is enacted when you cannot sustain Plan A because your love bank is too low and in danger of being depleted. In Plan B, there is no contact with her. She has to go it on her own without your Plan A activities. It protects the little love that you have left for her from being depleted. Plan B is a separation from her so that you save that little love you have left.

I thought that counseling would possibly start in Plan B?

rosecroix

No, there is no marriage counseling counseling in Plan B. Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B? You go to Plan B when you do not have enough units in your Love Bank and your love for your wayward spouse is very low. You go to Plan B in order to stop the drain from your love bank. You write a letter to your wayward spouse and samples of that letter can be found on this site. In the letter you describe to her a way back to the marriage. You also appoint an intermediary so that you can have no contact with her. Just a couple of the points of plan B.

Plus wouldn't you want to know whether or not you should go get tested for STD's and AIDS?

The thing is, you have to know the truth - details and all - so you'll know how to proceed. That's all.

Once you get that done, you decide what to do. If you find evidence of a real affair, then you have to expose it, so that she will choose to stop it. Otherwise, you might as well just go ahead and divorce.

Are you ready?

The affair is real. The events of the last few days have made that painfully real. She seems willing to do anything to not deal with it. It is exposed as best as it can be.

I guess the $1,000,000 question is what is a real affair? I think it is an EA for certain. Maybe a PA and maybe not. A good friend who went through a EA has told me that it was excruciating pain to leave OW and that the emotional love was way more intense than anything he had experienced physical.

The fact that she is willing to burn the house down tells me all I need to know.

rosecroix

Either one is real - the point is they're both a betrayal and an assault on your marriage. Men generally tend to view a wife having a PA as being worse, and women generally view men having an EA as being worse, but there are exceptions of course.

Knowledge is power.

today it has been a barrage of emails. This is the first time in months we have communicated. I know I cannot trust what she says and I have to continue with my plans. I still feel like I should at least say the right things in as kind of a manner as I can. She blames me, I say I am setting reasonable boundries. She says I am controlling her emotions and I say no one can control another persons emotions. Hopefully I am getting this right?

If this is EA all this stress and anger could easily drive her into a PA. I know that is not my fault and she is making choices that I don't control. It is still sad, and one of many issues that I need to walk through.