According to this site, I have a independent behavior issue. My boyfriend and i bought our first house last year are getting ready for engagement all that jazz. We have been together for 4 years. We have lived together for 2 years now. This is something that started when I moved in, or at least that I noticed when I moved in. He loves games. Everyone does. But it started with those world of warcraft online games. He would play for hours because the games take so long. I would complain of the lack of romance since he plays the game so much. It started to annoy him, but he realized after awhile (a year to be exact) it made me really unhappy. I moved in with him leaving another state when we decided to live together. I told him that if he would take me around kool places to see and do aka spend more time with me then his game I would be alot happier especially since I haven't made any friends of my own yet. I don't mind that he plays but it just drives me nuts that hes at it for hours. Everything else is fine though! When he isn't playing, he's sweet, affectionate, and makes me laugh. After he noticed my severe unhappiness in feeling neglected he stopped playing so much because it just upset me to be in the living room by myself when he is glued to the screen. So, he cut down on the games, but replaced it with poker. Not the real kind with real money, but going to local bars and resturaunts for those nighly poker tournaments. The tournaments will start at 7 pm and won't end until 1 in the morning. He goes every chance he gets and I hate poker and can't sit with him during the games ( not allowed) so naturally I'm stuck at home (I'd be miserable either way) But with this new replacement, I feel defeated. He has this addiction to games and doesn't understand if he could juggle me and his games I wouldn't be so pissy. But I feel neglected. If I complain he gets annoyed saying that he's been at home during the day. But now he stays out late on the nights before he has to work. He doesn't or won't consider me or his job. How do I get him to stop acting so childish? He isn't in college anymore! We are both different in activities we enjoy. He loves being the life of the party and playing games. I like playing mom and making sure everyone is happy and I'm the quiet type. It has been working out that I play hostess to his host, but he has been spending his time doing activities I really have no interest in or can even participate in. I feel as a FIREFIGHTER, he needs to act a bit more mature and not so neglectful. This is an example of independent behavior correct? Being ignored for a game or 10? He insists it's his way to relax and have fun, but why can't he relax and have fun with me? I feel like he is conditioning me to nag him because that is the only time he listens. I express my concerns because we want a future together, but these kind of issues undo the love over time right? Like a thorn in the foot? Anyone have advice for me and my fiance with a gaming issue?

I know it isn't aganist me on purpose because he always feels guilty for making me upset and tries to make it up to me. But I feel like he should be trying to AVOID making me mad. It is not solving the problem when he keeps doing the same thing over and over and with different games I may add. Is it really so hard for him to juggle me and playing games. I have tried asking what he loves about the games, trying to watch to get involved somehow, but that just makes me annoyed and bored. I am not expecting us to agree and like everything each other does. But it is a matter of making both of us happy. Anyone? Help?

Hi Sighz! My husband has a similar "problem" so I feel somewhat qualified to post a response ... LOL! He has a lot of interests that just don't interest me ... online games, chess, backgammon, playing guitar, fantasy football, Lakers basketball, golf ... the list goes on!! And he could seriously spend all weekend doing just things I find totally boring. He must be in heaven when I'm out of town Just kidding!

After having a few arguments, what I've learned is that if I want us to spend time together, the best way to make it happen is to take the initiative and plan something. There are things we both like doing, like going to the movies, going to concerts, trying new restaurants, etc. It's kind of funny, but my husband sometimes does stuff he thinks is boring (like going to the opera) just to spend time with me, and he pretends to like it. It's kind of cute!

So why not invite your husband to do something you like that you think he would enjoy too? Any good ideas come to mind?

Well, I try to set up stuff but it gets in the way of his games. Like if I want to go to the movies I have to huff and puff to get him to drop poker to go to the movies. And it's good movies too like fast and furious so he likes the movies too. And he is a firefighter so his 24 hours working with 48 off leaves me a passed out guy for a half a day and a day and a half og him being coherent. He wants to go out and do his thing but I end up taking the back burner until I make a fuss. It just seems unfair because when he is with me he is just awesome. I don't want to nag him and he doesn't get that I'd rather him just do something when I ask. When he needs something I go up to see what he needs right away. I can't make my point without nagging him more. So how to I end the potiential nag conditioning and get my guy to give equal (huh, why should his stupid games get equal time anyway? I'm living breathing, give him great sex, cook and clean. Compared to poker which is...a game! I think I should win) time to me and his games!

O! and if I want to go downtown or take care of something around the house, he complains that he is tired and worked and is all sore. But in a couple of hours he'll invite friends over or go play poker (grrrrrrr....) If you're tired and claim you can't do something your significant other wants don't do what you want later. It's just a-holish. But like I said when he isn't acting up (yes I used child terms) he is great and I remember why I love him and want to marry him and all that jazz. But I feel my resentment and his lack of seriousness about the things that bug me. I constantly tell him (trying not to nag but sound like nagging kind of hard not to when you are just repeating yourself) how I feel and what I would like to change and to set up reasonable times for me and his games. He apoligizies feels guilty, BUT does it again, and AGAIN, and AGAIN! I feel this crap is going to drive a wedge between us over time especially since I don't want to be naggy throughtout our relationship. I don't want to be those annoying wives. But he doesn't seem to respond to me trying to be calm and resonable. He responds to biatching and moaning. So how do I actually fix my problem effectively?

If you're feeling resentful about this now, just wait until you have children together!

No, wait, don't.

I do have to ask you a question, though: Don't you think this appears like you are choosing someone ONLY with the intent to CHANGE him? I mean, if you have a problem with gamers, then don't be with gamers. If you don't like a firefighter's schedule, then don't be with firefighters!

The only way I see to fix YOUR problem is to either accept your man where he is, or go find someone with wider availability to you. Don't pay any attention to what he SAYS; the important information is in what he DOES.

I hear ya Sighz! I have totally been there. I've been married 4 years now and the first year and a half were sometimes hard because of exactly what you are going through now. Me feeling negelected and resenting it because I did all this great stuff for him and him feeling nagged and, as he puts it, "wondering where the nice girl I married went" and then me feeling mad that he was turning me into a nagging wife ... LOL!

There's nothing you can do to change him overnight. And there's nothing you can do that will magically get him to do what you want every time. But you can talk to him about breaking this cycle of you feeling alone->nagging->him pushing away->you feeling more alone. Give him a chance to try and spend more quality time with you, but also give him the freedom to choose when and how to do that. Instead of huffing and puffing to get him to go out with, tell him you want to go see Fast & Furious and then let him choose the time to go so it doesn't interfere with stuff that's important to him. I know you and I don't get WHY some of this stuff is important to our husbands, but it is so we should respect that. After all, they probably feel the same way about stuff that we love, right?

To canwemakeit-
I said I love him and he is great. I just find the gaming annoying when it cuts into Us time. I don't have a prob with his schedule, or the fact that he loves games. I just want reasonable scheduling between me and his gaming. It's almost like he is involved with two people. Me and games. I try to explain to him his games shouldn't take up time like a person. I just want him to adjust how much time he dedicates to his gaming, not cut them out all together.

Of course I have tried the letting him decide factor. But this is what happened the night we agreed to go to the movies to see Fast and the Furious. We agreed to go around 5 so he could go out later. He invited his poker buddies and his brother. We went as a group and had a great time. After the movie, brother complained she was hungry and suggested food. His poker buddy chimed in sure. However, his poker started in an hour. This was an all month poker compettition that lets you join whenever you want to get a certain numbers of points (see I try to get involved somehow) So the suggestion to go out to eat isn't so much of a hassle since he could go the rest of the weekend. He insisted no and dropped us off, went to play. See that pisses me off. I think that was rude of him. A poker tournament isn't something to blow off people like that. And if I'd rather him stay home to have a romantic evening (nice long bath, dinner, some chocolate....) he'd ask about how long it will take so he could go out to play poker. Mood killer.....

Ooh, that isn't very cool at all!

Well, all I can say is be patient and keep trying. Try not to get frustrated. Remember he's not doing this to hurt you on purpose, he's just clueless that he's metaphorically stepping on your heart a little.

Did you tell your bf you thought his behavior after the movies was rude? You can't really stop him from making mistakes like that in the moment, but you can use it later to help him learn to behave better in the future.

Anyway, it sounds like you need to set some expectations with him that the next evening out (or in) means he should clear his schedule for the night. In a nice way of course Tell him you'd like a romantic evening at home so what night can he clear for you in the next week or so. If he asks how long it will take, don't let it kill your mood, just let him know that what you have in mind doesn't have a strict timeline so it's better if he not have any plans other than you. Try to pretend you're in customer service when you have this conversation ... lol!

Why? Because he chose to stick to the original plan?

Sighz, I'm sorry, but I see just as much independent behavior on your part as on his. At least he is honest about what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. You are making DJs about whether what he wants is valid or not.

Sorry, but if I were him, I'd be asking for help in how to live with you!

That said, WOW is a very addictive game. It can - and has - ruin marriages.

The real solution for you is for you to learn all about Marriage Builders and to start using it. You can't make your H choose you over a game. Or friends. Or work. Or anything.

What you can do is make what YOU have to offer so attractive that he finds it makes more sense to be with you than with the game et al. Make it so that he can't wait to get off work so he can be with you. Or so he can't wait for YOU to get off work.

How? By learning what YOU do that LBs him. And stop doing it. ALL of it.

Then learning what his ENs are. And start meeting each and every one of them.

And no AOs, no DJs, on and on. It's all here, on the website, if you'll take the time to learn it all.

But it is YOU who has to change. Sorry, but true.

He games because it's his instant gratification. He goes out with friends because it's his gratification. If YOU were his gratification (what makes him feel good), he'd be spending that time with YOU.

Sorry, but I will have to ignore catperson and canwemakeit. I am asking for constructive help with my problem. Sarcastic comments and telling me I need to change when you don't know if I am even doing anything to cause this isn't helping. I have thought of everything to do. I don't want to pull the stay at a friend's house move just to get my way. I don't want to eradicate his games. Is it a crime to want to spend time together as a couple? I feel like he hs stopped trying because we have been together for awhile now. Romance is going out the window. I am not using the forum anymore. This is a negative expiernce with this forum.

Run away if you want to, but you won't get a better marriage for it. Did you read the material here? It all tells you to look at what YOU are doing in your marriage - NOT what your spouse is doing.

Because the only thing you have any control over in your marriage is YOU.

That's what MB is all about, and that is what works.

If you don't want to look at yourself, if you just want to blame all your problems on HIM, fine. Do it that way. Just remember us 2 years from now when you're finalizing your divorce, because you were too proud to look at your own contributions to your marriage's problems.

I wasn't being sarcastic, I was asking a serious question. You said you were pissed because he wouldn't change the plans you had already agreed to. I asked you to explain why. Are you mad at him, or are you mad at yourself for agreeing to something you weren't enthusiastic about?

Sighz, do you understand what constructive criticism is?

It is showing you, from an outsider's perspective, ways that we see that you could be doing things differently to achieve your stated objective.

Are you willing to look at your own 50% or not?

If not, you might as well just give up on your marriage, because you can't make your husband do anything he doesn't want to. And the only way to make him want to, is to change your half.

Sighz, I'm sorry about the negative posts you received from others. Anyway, just in case you check back one last time, I wanted to wish you well and say I hope things will work out. I know they can because I felt exactly the same way you did a few years ago and today I am so glad we kept working at it because we now have a great relationship that really is the best thing in my life (and I have a lot of good things!). Good luck!

If you do check back once again, here's my comment :

You can't change anyone else. If you try, he'll resent it and play his games all the more. He'll go out all the more and his interests will gradually whittle down your relationship.

The only person you can change is yourself. If you read this website, you'll be able to elimate your LB's and work on satisfying his EN's. You'll become the person he most wants to spend time with and his buddies / games / outings will take second place to being with you.