You said:

Are you including yourself into this sad group, or just others?

And when you say "people settle" what precicely do you mean? Do you mean settle for what their spouse brings to the marriage, or do you mean people settle for what they themselves bring to the marriage? Or do you mean something completely different?

Having myself been married since 1981 , I know a thing or two about long term marriage difficulties.

As my husband likes to tease when he introduces me to others ... "Meet my first wife."

I guess, I have to put a disclaimer like

**The author of this post recognizes his own flaws and when writing is often including himself in with others who are also married. The opinions put forth are those of the originator and do not represent the opinions of any other, and should not be attributed to anyone but him.**

We have been to counseling several times over our marriage. Our first time was about 3 years after we were married. And as a matter of fact we are in counseling right now (empty next, midlife crisis, reconnecting). We both recognize when one or both need a tune up. And we go when we want to resolve issues. Because we want more for our marriage.



As marriages have two people in them, it would be both settling. Most often it is the men who don't live up to their end. They believe if they work and put food on the table, they've contributed their part. I am speaking about those who settle for a "room mate" situation when they want so much more. And yes either partner can torpedo the others desire for a better marriage.


We had our 29th anniversary last Sunday.

one more - thanks

Are you male or female?

Sent from iPhone excuse errors please

I'm a husband.

a man?

Yes a man.

Nice 2 meet you

Nice to meet you too.

So are you the BS or the WS?

Neither. I started cruising the infidelity sites because we are becoming empty nesters and I am in kind of a mid life crisis. It is a time when husband and wife can grow apart and be tempted to have an affair. I came on here to read what the result of infidelity does to all parties involved. It was a bucket of cold water over my head. I have stayed because I believe we all have a stake in each other marriages. I hate divorce because my mom cheated on my dad, divorced him and married the POSOM. I was 5, brother was 6, basically robbed us of our childhood.

Though I hate divorce, like war, sometimes it is necessary. Daltons case is one where I would encourage it. If the marriage is causing nothing but pain and torment, I just can't see him staying.

I Totally called that. Check "MY" thread and post at 6AM today.
The "before I forget....smart money is on neither" comment

but that's a lie isn't it?

**edit**

IMO you've no business making comments.

**edit**

As I've indicated to the moderators of these forums (several times)you never post anything positive to anyone.
Just snide remarks...
Tough love is one thing...kicking a person when they are already down....that's the mark of an angry WS.
Which I figure you for. And have from your first comment.
Lie to yourself and others, But I see you for what you are.

Can't hurt your wife any longer? You've gotta seek out other people to hurt.

**edit**

You said:

"This is a slippery edge I'm walking right now. As much as I cherish my wife and this marriage, I get nothing out of it.
Affection, respect, support, conversation, SF....they are all hollow and half hearted."

I agreed with everything you said... Everything. But I guess you need to vent on someone for agreeing with.

As there is no way to prove I am not a WS. If it makes it easier for you to invent ways to demonize me, that's your choice. Do you think you made a major discovery by "tricking" me into revealing why I am here. All you had to do was read my posts. I have told people why I am here before. It was no secret.

How exactly have I kicked you when you were down? By telling you that you deserve better. You do. By telling you you're not appreciated. You aren't. By suggesting that you reconnect with your immediate family. You should. Everything I have said to you is in support of you. The moderators have every right to exclude me from their site if they feel I am hurting by posting. In fact I would suggest that they do that if they believe that I do this to injure or hurt people.

BHFF would still be wondering if he should confront his wife if I didn't paint him a word picture of what was happening to his family by allowing her to continue.

Is suggesting that BS and WS rite each other letters expressing love and POSITIVE things to each other negative?

You say I'm a coward. If I was, wouldn't I just agree with everything that is said, and that way get the nod of approval of everyone?

If I was a wayward spouse (which I am not) why shouldn't I be able to post here? There seems to be a lot of wayward spouses posting here.

Funny how you never expressed any desire for me to quit posting until I was honest about why I am here. If I read and post because it helps me to stay committed in my marriage shouldn't I be allowed to continue reading and posting? The site is called Marriage Builders.

If you don't want me to post on your thread. All you needed to do was say "please don't post on my thread". I would have obeyed your request. I may argue with other posters on their beliefs on what to say to BS and WS. But I won't continue on a thread if the originator feels I don't help or give a worth while opinion. Best of luck to you, your marriage, and your family.

Ouch,
You said it's MLC. How old are you? My FWH said it was MLC that caused his wayward ways. What hurt me the most was that he was going through something and didn't talk to me. He chose to get close to someone else, a stranger, and open up to her. Till this day I still don't get that.

GG

DD,

With all due respect, I don't think you're seeing ANYTHING for what it is.

OTH is being straight with you ... and you don't see it.

You have a VERY entitled, serial cheating WW ... and you won't accept it, even though she is rubbing your face in it.

YOU'RE LOSING PERSPECTIVE!!!

You need to really re-read JustLearning's post to you on your thread ... HE gets it!!! You have lost the respect of your WW. You have lost the respect of your children.

WHY???

Because wives and children WANT a Husband/Father who is strong, confident and protects them. By your INACTIONS, you have shown yourself to be just the opposite.

It's amazing that you will tolerate all manner of disrespect from your WW, but get your "panties in a bunch" over a fellow poster pointing out the OBVIOUS.

Just something for you to consider when you're in front of the mirror contemplating your self-worth as a Father/Husband.

Ouch:

Mid-Life Crisis? Kids gone off to college? This is all there is to marriage?

Glad you choose this site over the "meet singles in your area sites!

Learn and Learn. That's what you can find out here.

I agree with this sentiment, although, it is difficult for me to articulate REASONS I feel this way.

(Yes, you Pep critics, sometimes I have trouble articulating )

This thread is a little deja vu for me.

Quoteth the PepSter:





Or does this have something to do with your exercise routine?

I'm 50 in June. I understand what your husband might have thought. I have been married for 29 years. I have mentioned that my parents were divorced when I was 5. My 1/2 sister was born when I was 7. From the time I was old enough, I baby sat my sister after school (because my dead beat Step F drank away most of his paycheck). I Joined the navy when I was 16 and reported after my birthday when I was 17. I met my wife when I was in the Navy. We were married b4 I got out. Kids right away. I have basically been an adult since i was about 8. I have always been the responsible one. My wife is a wonderful woman, but I always seemed to be 8th on her list of 7 (at least in my mind. Maybe I'm high maintenance).

When my daughter left home, it was a shock. I had always put my family first (as it should be). But what happened to the buggy whip makers when cars came out? I had always been necessary. Now not so much (again, in my mind). I knew 1 week after she left that something was wrong. I broke down and cried and told my wife, I will not live the next 30 years being comfortable with her. I want passion and purpose. She has been wonderful and has turned around so many areas that put up walls between us.

One of my issues was I just felt dependent and needy. I felt old and unattractive (and I am not. 46" chest 32" waist all my hair and its only gray at the temples). I had always been the one to initiate all hugging, kissing and sex. And was basically sick of it. I was tired of waiting for everything on the list to be done b4 we had us time. She told me if she went back to work (she was laid off) that the amount of sex would slow because of other demands. I told her I would sell the house and live in an apartment b4 that happened. So we started counseling. This has helped a lot. My wife has a much better understanding of a mans needs for respect and significance.

I do not know any eligible women. I have no female friends other then the wives of men I know. So I was not tempted by a person. I was tempted to fill a perceived vacuum in my life. I lost 30lbs. Bought new clothes and I feel better about myself.

Your husband might have strayed because he depended on you too much, If you and him were like me and my wife. I already felt needy and any perceived slight made me think "I'll bet another woman would appreciate me more. She doesn't know what she has". And to some extent I was right. But she really turned around and owned her part in the wall building. I am in no way making excuses for your WH. In fact, if he had been upfront in communicating how he felt he may not have cheated at all. All I can say is but for the grace of God, there go I. If I worked in an environment with pretty women (I am an industrial salesman), and if one came on to me, I would like to think I would be flattered and let it go. As that has not happened, I will not claim strength that hasn't been tested.

My exercise class is making me feel sooooooooooo fantastic!!!

And, "no", I do not do the contortionists tricks - but the instructor can still do some of them and she is 67 years young and has had bilateral hip replacements! She is inspirational.