so I have posted earlier, and wanted to tell my husband of my affair. I have not had the courage and instead visited my other person( I don't know the acronyms) its truly become a compulsion for me. I feel like a derailed train heading for a crash.
I thought a better solution would be to slowly back away from the affair. Slowly distancing myself from the situation

confusednsad, slowly ending the affair will make this revelation even worse when your H finds out. End it NOW. Like a bandaid, just rip it off! If you are scared to tell your H by yourself find a trusted friend/counselor who will sit with you while you tell him the truth. Be prepared to tell him the whole truth. Don't lie, don't give him 1/2 truths or you will be just continuing to cut him over and over.

LOOK CONFUSEDANDSAD, YOU ARE COMING HERE FOR ONE REASON AND THAT IS FOR YOU TO GET UP THE COURAGE TO BOTH END THE AFFAIR AND TELL YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR HUSBAND WILL FIND OUT. THERE IS NO WAY YOU COULD CONVINCE ME THAT YOU ARE IN ANY WAY UNFEELING, CALLOUS OR UNCARING ENOUGH, FOR THIS NOT TO COME OUT. IF YOUR HUSBAND FINDS OUT (AND HE WILL) WITHOUT YOU CONFESSING IT TO HIM. YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING. YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS MAY HAVE GIVEN YOU ADVICE NOT TO TELL, WELL YOU SOUND SO RACKED WITH GUILT THAT IT IS AFFECTING YOUR HEALTH, AND I DON'T THINK YOU CAN COVER IT UP MUCH LONGER.

There is only a couple of ways to escape your husband finding out.

1. He is a complete idiot.
2. He doesn't care.

Tell us how your affair started. What were you thinking at the time? How was your marriage?

The only other way is to stop feeling. To stop caring. Is that what you aspire to? Your boss is using you. And you are destroying your family. YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE BOTH.

This is bullcrap. Of course you have the courage to tell your husband. Courage is a DECISION, not something that magically attacks some and not others. You are just making excuses to avoid doing the right thing. The sooner you tell the man, the sooner your nightmare will end.

"Slowly distancing" is nothing more than a LAME EXCUSE to continue contact. Doesn't fool anyone. That is not even good bullcrap.

Stop degrading yourself, confused, with this low man who has no respect for you. Get out of the pig pen, friend. Make the decision and climb out.

Go tell the man..

While you play tapering method games with your adultery, how about telling your H NOW so he can protect himself from you? Thats fine for you to do what you want with YOUR LIFE, but you have no right to play "tapering" games with HIS. To not tell him is cruel, manipulative and dangerous. You are treating him like your PET DOG by keeping him in a marriage based on a LIE.

He has a right to know the truth about his own life, confused. you have no right to deny him pertinent details about his life.

So, go play the "tapering method" game with your own life, but tell your H so he can protect himself.

I've been on the wrong end of this situation twice. First affair I had my doubts and gut feelings, but WW kept denying. Finally, after months of counseling and the affair ending a long and drawn out death, my WW confessed her affair to me (DDay#1). It SUCKED in a way that I cannot even begin to describe. Ick.

Now, DDay#2 was me finding her open e-mail and finding out on my own. The affair had ended, and our marriage although once rocky (during the affair) seemed to be progressing. But reading those e-mails hit me like a ton of bricks. Sucked beyond belief.

I've been on both sides of this and believe me, you telling him will be much better than him finding out...and he WILL find out!

End this affair NOW. Tell the OM you will never have contact with him again. And tell your husband EVERYTHING! Throw yourself on the mercy of the court and work your tail off to make things right.

Melody and the others are right. All you are doing is postponing the inevitable. You will get caught, and you risking your marriage and your family.

YOU MUST ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN EVERY OTHER WEEK. YOU MUST WANT TO STRUGGLE AS A SINGLE MOTHER. WILL YOUR BOSS BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN? WHY? HE ISN'T KIND TO YOU.

OK YOU LOVE YOUR BOSS. ARE YOU READY TO DESERT YOUR CHILDREN FOR HIM.

I WAS 5 AND MY BROTHER WAS 6 WHEN MY MOM DIVORCED MY DAD FOR A DRAFT DODGING PIECE OF CRAP. WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO RELATE JUST HOW WONDERFUL MY BROTHER AND I CHILDHOOD WAS LIKE. STEEL YARD STICKS, STRAPS AND A CRESCENT WRENCH ONCE.

TELL US AGAIN HOW YOU THINK THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WILL TREAT YOUR CHILDREN? IS HE GOING TO MARRY YOU? IS HE GOING TO LOVE YOUR CHILDREN LIKE THEIR FATHER? CAN'T YOU LOOK DOWN THE ROAD TO SEE WHAT THEIR LIFE IS GOING TO BE LIKE?

Okay, seriously...I'm going to be completely honest here. Just typing my reply was a big old trigger for me! Ug!

Remembering the pain and gut-wrenching anguish this affair caused me. You can't begin to imagine the pain and suffering.

Please, please, break off this affair and tell your husband now.

Hi, Confused. I read your other thread but didn't post because others were telling you what you needed. You said on that thread you were going to tell your husband "tonight" and you still haven't. My story isn't unique and it isn't special but it is mine and I, like you, cheated on my husband. Maybe you can glean something from my experience.

Pull up a chair.

(It reads like you're not familiar with the acronyms used around here. You can find a glossary under the "Just Found Out Forum -- Acronyms, Abbreviations )

I confessed to my betrayed husband (BH) last October, a little over 4 months after my former other man's (FOM's) betrayed wife (BW) discovered a text from me on FOM's phone and confronted FOM. We've been no contact (NC) since June, other than work emails where one of us would be copied. (We worked for the same company in different states.) At the time, FOM and I were working to end the affair, but I can tell you, it never would have worked. Knowing what I know now, after what FOM and I had been through -- an intense emotional affair (EA) and one time physically together -- we never would have been able to go back to being "just friends". Please be realistic about this. You cannot slowly pull out of this intense relationship. (For what it's worth [FWIW], I was layed-off the end of July and FOM quit the company at that time too.)

You stated on your other thread that friends and family are telling you not to tell. This is wrong, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe that they're telling you this because they care about your H and don't want to see your marriage (M) disrupted. But their comfort has nothing to do with this. This is about your H and your relationship, not about people feeling comfortable at the next family function. This is life. You H's life and your life. This is between you and him. No one else.

Which is why you MUST end it with your boss. It must end because you are married. Because that alone is not a deterrent (you've had an affair, after all) it also must end because this other man (OM) is scum and he does not love you. He does not give a rats pahoony about you. You are risking EVERYTHING -- your marriage, your career, your family, your standing in the community, your self-worth -- for a man who does not care for you. Let me spell it out for you. I will use your own words in quotes from your other thread.

1.) He is your boss. He wants to control you professionally and personally. He likes a power trip and sex. He does not like you. You do not ask people you care about to lie and disrespect themselves.
2.) "I continue to see this man at his request and on his terms." This sure sounds like a caring relationship. If he doesn't want to be with you on Tuesday, that's your tough luck. But he will grace you with his presence when he feels like it? Sounds like a really selfless guy. And I hope that you're correctly reading my sarcasm in that comment.
3.) "He doesn't treat me that well." And you want to ruin your life for this guy who doesn't treat you well now? How will he treat you when your H finds out? (Because your H will find out.) Think your classy boss will protect you from the fall-out?
4.) "We just took a carribean vacation together. it was very emotionally volatile..." Relationships should be enclaves of safety not volatility.
5.) "...he pushes me away and then draws me near." The OM is a selfish, pathetic, controlling loser.
6.) "Its destroying me." Then stop it. Stop it now. How is this a good thing?

Your boss is not your "lover" as you referred to him before. He is an abuser who is using his authority over you to get his rocks off. He takes you when he wants you and treats you like crap when the mood suits him. Your self-esteem is shot (I am very intimate with this feeling) and you're willing to take what that a**hole is willing to give you. And it's pathetic, Confused. You can choose a different path. A life of honesty and respect. And you can start right now.You don't want to hurt your H. You know telling him will tear him apart unlike anything ever has. And you're right. You know why it will? Because he loves you. Which is why you must tell your H.

Before I started my A last spring I was pretty certain my H and I would be divorced within the year. We were growing farther and farther apart. I started my A and a few months later, it abruptly ended. I still thought I needed to walk away from my H. I didn't trust H with my feelings and needs and I went through withdrawal from the FOM while suffering deep shame and disgust. I became a depressed, confused, and very unpleasant person. The only person I told about my betrayal was my independent counselor (IC). I kept everything locked up inside and I was dying. It was he**. I came here, read some, then finally posted. Everyone told me to tell. I was terrified. And I did it. The only thing I would change about it (other than not having the A at all, of course), would have been to tell my H much earlier. I wish I would have had his strength, his arms, and his care to help me and to help us.

I thought my H was going to leave me. I told him fully expecting to have divorce (D) papers served the next day. He was so angry. So hurt. He kicked me out of the house for three days and he did say he was going to D me. It's now 5 months since my confession and while my H and I are still not recovered and we're still struggling, we are together and we are most certainly closer than we have been in years.

I recommend your children not be in the home. Ask a friend or family member to take them out. Turn off the phone and the cell phones. Tell your H you need to talk with him. Look him in the eyes and tell him. (If you fear your H will be violent, do as someone else suggested and have a friend your H trusts to be in the home with you both.) Do not tell him what he needs to do. The confession is not the time to say how you think he needs to handle the devastating news. His world will be rocked and he may not want to hear anything from you. If he asks you questions, you answer them -- AND YOU ANSWER THEM HONESTLY AND FULLY. Internalize this now... Ommitting information is the same as lying. And HE WILL FIND OUT. Betrayed spouses (BSs) start recalling incidents and see them through different filters. My H started checking phone records, he contacted the BW, and even emailed the FOM to get truths. You have to be the one your H hears things from -- no matter how ugly.

Which is why you need to stop telling others about your infidelity. Imagine learning that not only was your spouse lying to you for 5 months, but some friends and family members were also lying to you -- betraying you -- by playing the "let's hide the affair" game along with your spouse. It would be absolutely humiliating to learn you were being played by so many. Your H is going to be additionally hurt that you confided in others before you trusted him.

It was about a week after my confession when my H told me that I looked very different to him. He said for the previous several months I walked around with a clenched jaw, blank eyes, and scowl on my face. After I had told all, he said my face had softened and even though I was crying almost every other minute, he could see life in my eyes. My lies had consumed my entire being and it sounds like yours are consuming you. How can you possibly be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter, community member, or anything else when you're living in shame, fear, and guilt? Take control of your life, Confused. Right now you are letting fear and an uncaring brute of a boss control it. You must change this. And you must allow your H control his life too with the truth.

There are other wayward spouses (WSs) on Marriage Builders (MB). You can read any one of our threads to see that you can and will make it through this. I came here like you, questioning whether to tell or not. You can read my journey through my link in my signature (sig) line below.

Your H may choose to leave you. He may choose to stay. And if he does and if you want to try to recover your M, there are many people here who will help you through the process.

But you can't begin to recover yourself, your dignity, your respect, your M, your family, or your life without first choosing to live your life with complete and open honesty.

You must tell your H.

You can do this, Confused, and you must.

You really can. I know it. Please do it.

God bless.

-L4

(P.S. I recommend you stick to one thread so people can more easily follow your journey.)

Great advice L4.

Confused - read L4's post, then re-read it again. L4 has taken a lot of time to post this FOR YOU. TO HELP YOU. It is a caring thing to do. Someone has taken time out of their day in an effort to help you, because you can be helped, and you can have a better life than the one you're living now.

Your boss does not care for you. He does not make time for you. He takes you when it suits him. Please see this for what it is!

You can sort this mess out and be happy again. Honesty is the key now. Live an honest life and please allow your H to live an honest life too. He is living a lie and doesn't even know it.

You can do this, and you will not be alone. You will have support here. Just do the RIGHT thing. Please!

confused, your boss is degrading you in the worst possible way - with your help. This is the highest insult a man can pay to a married woman. His - fleeting - attention is not flattering or complimentary, it is an insult to you as a woman. He is treating you like a skank and you are allowing it.

I am not confident we will hear from confused again until she is discovered. Reading this must be very painful, and diminishes the fog. She may be the type of adulterer, who has to crash and burn b4 the fog clears.

It hurts so very much to think of my FWW as a skank.

Would that it would not be so.

J

I think I'm done here.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I can imagine it does. It must also bother you when men treat her like one.

So why didn't it bother her???

Am I missing something??

All Blessings,
Jerry

I believe the theory goes something like, a little girl being brought up without enough attention or affection. They approach adulthood and see that they can get attention throught sex. They misinterpret this attention as affection/love.

They then freely give of themselves in order to secure the attention/affection they need. They move from man to man seeking the thing that was missing in their life, but they never really get it because the man sees them only as a sexual object, and never stays long enough to give them "real" affection.

It's sad that they have such little self esteem that they do this, but it is also sad that the men who "use" them do not see the neediness in them and thus perpetuate the cycle.

JMHO. Feel free to disagree.

Jerry, when I was 27 years old a man in AA hit on me who KNEW I was married. He told me how pretty....blah, blah, can we hook up....blah, blah.... My response? I was so insulted I burst into tears. He must think me the lowest form of TRASH to believe I would even consider cheating. Two other members, a Catholic priest and another man, asked me what was wrong and I told them. They pulled aside the offending member and set him straight.

MrsW and I talked about this this week because her mother had the same reaction [without the tears] when a married man hit on her. She was SO INSULTED.

MrsW was puzzled by this reaction because she has been hit on and she had felt FLATTERED in the past. She feels that she was so mezmerized by the flattery that she MISSED the underlying INSULT.

And I am finding that many others are the same way. They don't GET it because they are carried away by the high of flattery.

On my skank thread, staytogether asked me to explain to her why this was an insult. And I thought she was being a wiseass. I really did!! But I took her at her word and explained why. MrsW told me when she saw her question she KNEW she was sincere.

Anyway, MrsW thinks the reason some women miss this is because they are overcome with the high of the flattery.

I wish that I had told my wife before she found out. That is her biggest nagging question. Why did I not quit on my own and why did I not tell her before she had to find out? We had talked many times before over our 9 year marriage about infidelity being a deal breaker and we would absolutely leave if this happened to us. She worries that if she had not smartened up that I might have fallen in love with her or just gone on indefinitely. My suggestion is to tell him as soon as possible. If he catches you first it will be much, much worse.