Hi,

Some of you asked that I post. This is very difficult as right now I just want to crawl into a hole. My thoughts are all over the place. Working is hard (I do medical transcription) because random, incredibly awful pictures will pop into my head. Can't get away from the thoughts. I'm afraid to hear the details -- don't know if I want him to write it down or talk to me in person. The main reason I'm posting today is that some of you thought FWH was being cavilier in his post -- I assure you he wasn't. He sincerely wants to come completely clean. He asked about hearing from former waywards because I told him they could help him from their experience of how best(?) to tell the BS. He stated that he welcomes all posters.

Let me know how to start as my brain is a little fried. I do have to say how amazed I am at the strength I've seen on this board, of both WS and BS in their recovery. You're my shining light at the end of the tunnel. My hope.

I would suggest her write a letter of confession and apology. Not focusing on sexual details but rather on contrition. I'll post my suggestion on his thread.

Hi Kat,

Welcome to MB!

It's sad to be here, but it is so very possible to get through this. It is hard and you will feel every emotion possible, at different hours of the day. It does get better with time, support and honesty from your WH.

The books suggested on your H thread will be invaluable. I do suggest that you read them out loud to each other. This allows you to discuss points that are important to each of you.

Don't expect too much from yourself for awhile, you won't be grounded in any of your thinking or actions. It will be hard to focus on any specific task, and your memory will be crap. Pamper yourself.

Take good care.

How much you want and need to know is completely up to you alone!

Some BS's want intimate details, others don't.
For some just a timeline without details.

It's up to you.

I have not given your H recommendations about what to share or how to share, because it's not up to him.

I will help him on his thread, but the amout of disclosure is YOUR choice.

Hi Kat, welcome.

As TST said above, it's up to you how much you want to know. The thoughts will run around your head for quite some time so if you have any inclin that you will someday need to know details it's probably best to hear them up front because if you wait six months from now, you'll feel like you have started all over again. But it is up to YOU.

R is a very slow journey. Once you get the truths that you need, you have to process the information. Unfortunately you don't have alot of choice WHEN you get to do this. The A will be a constant intruder and it won't be long before you don't want to think about it any more. It's normal.

It's also normal to not be able to function properly both mentally and physically. You may not be able to focus on tasks and you may not be able to eat or sleep. Call your Dr if this gets bad.

Welcome.

Some questions:

Is this the first adultery that you know of?
Were either of you previously married?
Is there any addiction history or concern of addictions? (pot, alcohol, gambling, etc)
Any mental illness?
Any violence or threats of violence?


- sorry you need to be here.

Not much to add.

Just know that any emotions you are feeling today, next month, or a year from now are all normal. Some days will be worse than others. One day you will want to hug him tight and the next you will want his head. While the truths are hard to hear there is a sense of relief that the lies are finally out.

For 3 yrs you knew something was was off. Trust your insticts. Hopefully with some guidance rick22 won't make the mistakes other WSs have made with disclosure to the BS. Leaning on family and friends if you need to. Give a shout out here at MB whenever you need. Take care.

Prayers to you.

Hi Kat,

One the fundamentals of this site is that everyone is untrustworthy. This is NOT an excuse. Adultery is hated by everyone on this site.

What we do is find precautions to prevent infidelity. We learn to mark consequences when a person breaks a boundary. We learn to anticipate problems with the marriage in the future. We apply EP's, Extraordinary Precautions that will prevent future damage to our marriage.

You need to find out, honestly and without breaking down, what caused your WH (wayward husband) to go off the tracks.
Please read through the articles above. You need to establish a history of your partners activities. Before and during your marriage.

Your husband is quite right to expose himself for his actions. Don't CRITICIZE, rather share your feelings. Let him come to his own conclusion.

I hope that this exercise will build a new, healthier marriage. Understand this, there will be devastation to you and you will go through phases of recovery. Some of these phases can be devastating.

Do not give up!

You are all so sweet. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you for the directions/advice. I like the advice about reading the books out loud (I have the Surviving the Affair on its way, and we already received His Needs Her Needs). I never thought about that it's up to *me* how much I hear -- this helps. Sometimes I will shoot him a question through text (less intimidating for me), but he feels we should do this face-to-face. Don't know if I can bear it. Last night, as we sat reading over responses to his post I was just so numb - is this really happening kind of feeling. He was very sweet. Since the beginning of this mess in 2006, I have trouble with shaking -- I was shaking uncontrollably. I said to him that restitution is what angers me the most. She gets to go on with her life-no problem -- someone burns my house down and just walks. He said, taking my hands in his, "You're going to write her a letter -- when you have healed and if you've forgiven me, however long it takes, you will write her a letter and tell her exactly how you feel and that she is *nothing* to us." I liked that idea -- I added that I will send a copy to her family (she's not married, but I was able to find the names of her parents and siblings). He was impressed with my recon (spying) abilities.

Regarding your questions:
No mental illness or addictions, no violence. We have only been married to each other (25 years) -- known each other since 1980. Four children (none of them know and it needs to stay that way). Only A in our M -- I am choosing to believe that. I do believe that. I added a signature line that will tell you a little more.

I will try to write a summary of what happened since 2006 -- it just makes me nauseous right now. Maybe later?

Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for helping FWH.

I'm so glad you decided to post.

You've been given good advice thus far, and you have some of the best posting to you.

I would only add the following:

When a question comes to mind, write it down. Leave it written down for a couple of days and *then* ask. You'd be surprised how many of those incessant questions that keep chasing themselves through your brain become inconsequential after just a couple of days. If, after a couple of days, you still want to know, then ask.

FWH must tell the truth and the whole truth, without sugar coating or avoidance. I think he knows this. If he thinks his answer to one of your questions is going to be particularly brutal, it might be helpful for him to ask you "Are you sure you want me to answer that?" This lets you know he's willing to answer, but that the info is likely to be very painful to you. It gives you a moment to breathe and decide if you really want to hear the response. Sometimes you will, sometimes you won't.

Finally, don't feel bad if you feel the need to ask the same question over and over, or in slightly different ways. You have just discovered that your reality was NOT real. You are normal to doubt WH's word and your own judgment. Getting consistent answers to the same questions over time helps you to rebuild your reality and get your feet back on firm ground.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You have a lot of hurt behind you, a lot of hard work ahead of you, and NO it is NOT FAIR. However, I think you two have what it takes to make an outstanding marriage.

Kat:

Glad your here!

Its recommended that if both parties to the marriage are here, and posting that they don't read each others threads, as it allows each to get the help that THEY need. The things that your (F)WH needs to do are different than the things that you need to do. However, its your call to make. If your (F)WH stays and continues to post, he will be asked many questions, and if he is honest you may read many things that might be VERY upsetting to you. But by his being honest with us, we can help guide him to thinking more clearly (removing the "fog" as we call it here) No one here will ever recommend that he doesn't tell you something that he posted on his thread. That's honesty and openness. However, we MAY advise him how to say it, and how to broach the subject and how to deal with the aftermath of those admissions.

You have been run through a meat-grinder by your (F)WH. Your still in the machinery, and your (F)WH may have finally removed his hand from the crank by admitting the breadth of his betrayal of you. But that's a long way from extracting you from the machinery and fixing your wounds, and getting you healthy again.

I will add to TH's suggestion about the questions, that "too much" relationship talk can be difficult. I was broken on Dday, and the words flowed and the questions were answered. Soon, we got to the "question that occurs to BW" phase. That's where writing the questions down, and them being available later is a good thing. Also, once you have the broad outlines, and meaty detail, that you have a planned time for these serious discussions. Set aside two hours a week to discuss the issues in your marriage, the A, the lies, etc. That way the rest of the time, you are doing fun things.

Its been over 3.5 years since discovery of my A by my spouse. She STILL has questions. I still answer. Whatever she wants, or needs. You do not need to have 2 hours a week for questions now. She KNOWS that I will address any concerns she has, when ever she has them. And THAT makes a big difference in recovery.

I'm sorry you have to be here.

LG

Your chances of getting the best outcome using MB methods & information are VERY GOOD

We're having the talk today, after we can get everyone out of the house. Functioning is a little difficult for me -- I don't want to do this but I know I have to hear it. Thank you for your advice regarding asking careful questions. I'm so tired of thinking about this ugly person for 2 1/2 years. I never got a chance to make an informed decision about our M in 07/2006 because he lied. And I was stupid.

You aren't stupid, just in luv .... like the rest of us.

Realize that this A is not your fault. It was your WH selfishness and lack of boundaries that allowed this to happen.

Take care Kat.

Never stupid, never. How would you ever expect this kind of treatment from your husband? Nope, the affair is not your fault.

Be easy on yourself during your talk. Allow yourself the luxury of stopping if you need to. You have all the time in the world to go at your pace. Remember that and also that knee jerk decisions almost always are bad decisions. Breathe deeply. Read here for information and support. You can do this. Do it how you need it to be done, do it your way.

I will be thinking of the two of you this afternoon. (((hugs)))

Thank you Vittoria and SSS.

It was really, really hard. Exhausting. At no time did either of us get angry -- it was mostly gut-wrenchingly painful. I asked everything I felt I needed to, but you're right, the next day a couple more questions popped into my head when we were grocery shopping. Right there in the soup isle. But I have to say, FWH is being extremely supportive and answered right away. He assured me he will answer any questions I have.

I guess it helps that it was not an EA (at least not on his part). But, if he loves me so much, how could he come home to me and act so normal? No guilt? Nothing changed about him during the 6 months he was with her. I said early on after the first D-Day that I didn't want to be married to a good liar. He's not a good liar, he's a great liar. When do the imagined pictures stop in your brain?

Surviving the Affair should arrive today. Which do we read first -- that or HNHN? Yesterday I pretty much didn't want to be around him. My thoughts are just so fragmented.

As always, thank you for your thoughts.

Sorry you had such a rough weekend. Time to heal is a little different for everyone. The pictures in your mind will lessen in frequency and intensity, but may never completely disappear. This is the same for those who choose to recover their marriage and those who choose not to. It is a journey and you cannot go around, over, under or across the pain, you must go through it.

((((((Kat1227))))))



HNHN will give you a blueprint on how to meet each others needs in a way that will guarantee romantic love becoming the norm in you life. It is not a book to read, it is a guide to be studied and practiced until it becomes habitual in your marriage.

I recommend that you jump into this book with both feet. Together!

SAA, in your situation, becomes more of a supplemental reading to understand how recovery from infidelity intertwines with the MB program. I recommend YOU read this a bit more casually. Keeping your main focus on HNHN & Love Busters.

Just my .02