First of all I'm male 55 yrs.
My wife has been going out with girlfriends for a couple of years to a local blues club. I occasionally go because the music is good but I don't drink and it can get pretty tiring for me.
About four months ago this middle aged man, let's call him Blair (since that's his name) appeared on the scene with this group of women. They all seemed to like him and feel sorry for him so the single ones took turns giving him a place to sleep. Then my wife Irene after introducing me to him started to bring him home with her. I should add this guy has a brand new car and buys lot's of stuff but never has cash and I can't make any sense of it. I should also fill out the description of Blair. He has the outward signs of an alcoholic. He isn't clean and to add to the charm I just found out he has hepititus c. My wife even gave him my son's bed to sleep on while he was away. He's very loud and foul-mouthed and only want to talk about himself. Always manages to mention he's going to get a job but it doesn't happen. Nevertheless my wife feels something for him. She says he's just a friend. But if I reverse the genders in this story it sounds absurd that I would put up with this yet I am, so far. She knows this puts a lot of stress on me but continues. And I was alright at first but he's not my type. I can't listen to him talk about himself anymore. And he's here for her, not me.
I'm going to complement myself at this point and say that I have none of his qualities. Today is my day off, my wife is at work, and he's been parked outside the house since midnight last night when I came home. It's now 11:30.
We life in a nice neighborhood and are good people. Irene has a son, my stepson who is eighteen. This is quite rambling I know but I'm posting it as is and welcome any questions or suggestions. Thanks.

Wow. This is a weird situation. Have you talked to your wife about this? Did she ask your permission to bring this person into your home? It doesn't make alot of sense how he could have a new car and other material items but no job? I've seen storied like this on the forensic channels--how a man plays women to take their money, etc. I would not feel comfortable having someone in my home that I did not know or trust. He could wipe you out right under your noses...
Aren't there some shelters that he could go to? You need to address this issue with your wife. You may also want to contact the police to see if they know anything about this guy...be careful.

She did ask my permission. I was given the impression that he was between homes and would be good in a couple of weeks. That was before Christmas. Recently divorced or something, and very pathetic and whiney. So although I didn't like it I said yes. She's smart about people so I don't understand why she doesn't see that he's a user. What really hurts is her apparent indifference to my feeling.

msc55,

Did your wife even ask you what you thought about this before this person moved in with you both? This would be the first things that would bother me if she had not. Dr Willard Harley talks about enthusiastic agreement in his Love Busters book that tells couples to not do anything where you both do not agree enthusiastically.

We women are very emotional creatures and we always want to help people and we do not want to see people hurting so we will do things like this, but I do not think that this is a good idea. I see a homeless person where I live and have these same feelings, but I also feel in my heart that if I were to invite him home with me that I would have more problems later on.

I do believe in helping people out, but not to the extent in my own home. There are overnight houses and churches that can provide this service where it is controlled and in someone else's home it is not.

I believe that by allowing this man in your home and not to get his life together is adding to his addiction. He will continue to spend all his money on alcohol and not be forced to take care of himself. He is a hurting man this is for sure. Anyone of us people in the entire world that have any type of addiction are hurting people.

This is bothering you and I believe that you wife should tell him that he needs to leave.

Cindy

It sounds like you just need to sit down with your wife and explain to her that your generosity has expired and that you do not feel comfortable having this individual in your home any longer. He should go to stay with a relative or at a shelter... There is no way I would put up with this.
I had a similar situation with one of my step sons but, at least he WAS my stepson. You don't even know this person.

Also, on another note--the Hep C is a blood borne viral infection that is spead by contact with blood only. Just thought I'd throw that in.

It really sounds like this person is a scam artist.

Also, one thing that baffels me is if he can drive around in a new car, how does he pay for the car, gas, insurance, etc. if he has no job? Does he not draw any kind of a paycheck? He has to be getting money from somewhere.

msc55,

This is SERIOUS ... this is how affairs (A's) start, if it hasn't started already, which I'm assuming you suspect or you wouldn't have sought feedback from an infidelity forum.

If he is still outside your house ... confront him and tell him to NEVER come around your home or your wife (W) again or you will pursue a restraining order (RO) against him.

Then ... watch your W for her reactions. If she's PI$$ED, then you better get tested for STD's, because your likely facing an ongoing A. If she is mildly perturbed, explain your concerns, and ask her why she would choose to support the wishes of a stranger, over the wishes of her husband (H)?

Also, SNOOP ... SNOOP ... SNOOP. How does your W contact this guy so he knows when to show up at the club? Check your W's cell phone history, cell phone bills, scan the bank statement for any unexplained charges. Check her email (especially the "sent" messages ... wayward wives (WW) have a habit of forgetting to delete the "sent" messages). Some will even advise keyloggers for her computer, voice activated recorders in their cars, or GPS systems for their cars or cell phones, but I don't have any experience with those.

Once we see exactly what we're dealing with, then we can advise you. Hopefully, this is just a "girls night out" thing that got out of hand and you discovered it early, but my guess is your "gut" is telling you something different, or you wouldn't have found this place ... just like my "gut" led me here two years ago.

BTW ... there are no longer any "girls night out" or "girls only vacations", etc. in the MyRevelation/FogFree household, nor will there EVER be again.

Run a background check on this guy ASAP. I suspect he's a predator and THIS IS WHAT HE DOES to survive. Some sugarmomma could of given him the car. Or he could have stolen it from someone or whatever. You just don't know.

I would seriously consider taking a drive down to the police department and talking to someone there to see if they have had any previous reports/problems with this guy doing the same thing to other people. And, to get their opinion on how to get rid of this person.

Thanks for all the advice on checking him out. It would be hard to imagine he could summon any charm to seduce women. My greatest shock is my wife's anger at me when I tell her it upsets me. I've only let him stay for her sake obviously.
It points to a part of my wife's character that I haven't seen before. This is not the way
I was brought up or her for that matter. I try to give her some freedom but this I wasn't expecting. It's rotten behavior. She has a raging temper when provoked as in the previous suggestion of telling him to get lost, would get her ballistic. The infidelity is suggested from circumstances only so far. But that's a disgusting thought. And 14 hours later and he's still outside. Or his car at least I'm not looking in the window. My wife is home in just over an hour. She can deal with it. What I feel like doing is going out with my baseball bat.

If you really want to get this scumbag out of your lives, you need to try to find out more about him. Then, you can use that to show to your wife. Something is definitly going on if she feels that strongly about him and not tired of him mooching off of you guys too. I would certainly in no way tolerate this any longer...

NO ... YOU deal with it, it's probably not a good idea to carry the baseball bat, although a good show of strength is sometimes necessary. Either way ... you can't let your W "deal with it" ... that's what got you in this shape to begin with.

QUIT WITH THE BAHAVIORS THAT GOT YOU HERE!!!

I'm troubled by your statements about your W. Are you saying you "think" she will go ballistic, or she already has, at the suggestion of him leaving.

THIS IS SERIOUS ... what does your "gut" say? I couldn't believe it either, but my "gut" was spot on. It knew something was wrong, so I snooped and found out. You need to do the same.

PLEASE, read my previous post to you and answer the questions posed ... its important. I know your mind is racing right now ... but calm down and consider the questions and let the answers drive your actions.

Another observation ... there is a reason that this guy won't come inside. He has been living with BOTH of you for some time, but he won't come in with just YOU there ... WHY???

Personally, I think you KNOW the answer, but are in denial of admitting it to yourself.

C'mon msc55 ... what's ... the rest of the story???

While I agree with the possibility that this could be at least an EA, let's look at other critical things here. And yes, I mean to scare you, msc55.

I am gullible and I trust what people tell me to a fault. But I wouldn't let a strange man in my home for anything.

While y'all are "sleeping", what is he doing? Gonig through your files? Your wife's purse? Does he have credit card numbers? Bank account numbers? Passwords?

Has your wife checked her jewelfy box lately?

Do you have an prescription drugs around?

If you weren't in the home -- and let's say there is no EA going on -- who's to say he wouldn't hurt your wife? She befriended him in a bar and she let's him into her home. He now feels entitled and could easily misinterpret this to your wife's detriment.

This stranger has been sleeping in your son's room. For all you know he may be pilfering things from your DS's room and selling them for cash.

Walk outside and tell the man he is not welcome in your home. Ever. After he's left, go run a police report on him.

Your W should understand your concerns in being your H that you're not comfortable that she's spending time with another man. If she doesn't see that, play the safety card. You have every right to protect your home, your possesions, your lifestyle, and most certainly your family.

Please do not delay.

Very helpful. This isn't the kind of thing I would go to family over. So I needed those comments. By the time my wife arrived home the car was gone. Seems more real now that I have some voices of experience with suggestions.
Thanks everyone.

Also, I wonder what your neighbors think about a strange man hanging out in his car all day. If it was my street, I'd be calling the police for suspicious activity.

I wonder what happened to this one???

(((bump)))

If it looks suspicious and doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. You are prime candidate for W having affair, for identity theft, for theft period, or maybe abuse of kids...get this guy out of there! Do a background check, find out what you can...this sounds weird enough I'd even hire a P.I. to check him out.

Hey one thing about your story that should concern you. I must confess that to this day I do not understand women. I try and do a lot of reading but I never will. But I do understand men.

Now there is one and only one reason that a man hangs around a woman like this. It has nothing to do with friendship since he can find another man to talk to in a bar or almost anywhere. But I am guessing he wants in her pants. What other reason could there be?

Now your wife may not think of him that way...or maybe she does. But I can promise you that is what he is after.

Why don't you tell your wife you are going to go out to a bar with your friends. And you are going to find a woman to talk to and to come over and stay at the house with you. Let your wife know that she may be sitting out in the car when she is home but will come in when you get home. Oh, and let me know how that works out for you. I am guessing it will not go over very well.

It always amazes me that us men are so afraid of our wives that we don't say anything when we know it is wrong. I was afraid of my ex for most of my marriage so I understand your fear. The problem is the fear us men has usually ends up costing us dearly because we don't address problems. Your wife would never allow you to do this with another woman.

Any wife who treats her husband with such disdain should realize she is putting her marriage at risk. If you are unwilling to stop it my vote is to go out with your friends and recruit a woman just like your wife did. I assure you that the problem will be addressed.

I am puzzled by this too and wonder if there is not much more domestic abuse going on behind closed doors. If a woman is beaten she will scream it to the world, however if you are a man, other guys will snicker at your manhood. There has to be some reasonable explanation that explains why men are so terrified of their wives. I think they are getting beaten behind closed doors, because this is a pathological fear we see here day after day.

We have men here who would rather lose their kids, home, marriage, secure family than risk their wife's wrath. They will abandon their homes and their children out of TERROR if she tells him to leave!! That is some pretty powerful fear!!

What say you, men? Are you getting beat at home? Is that why so many of you live in TERROR of your wife's anger?