This is my first time here and I am so devastated. In January my husband told me "I don't think we have a viable future and I have feelings for someone else". My world fell apart. I had no idea. We have been married for almost 17 years and have 2 children. He moved out (not living with her, but they are always together) in mid Feb. and filed for divorce in mid March. They work together. She told him in early November that she "has a crush on him and therefore they need to watch their boundaries". She is married with 3 young children. Her divorce will be final at the end of this month. He says that what they have is "real". Of course we had our issues (intimacy and finances), but I had no idea this was even a possibility. He has taken out money (a lien on our house, $10,000 and cashed out a small 401k). This behavior is very unlike him. He was always a good, decent and ethical man. Could it really be real. I would take him back in a second if he wanted to work on our marriage, but he is just not there now. I don't know if he'll ever be, but I pray all the time.
Please, any input would be great. I feel crushed daily.

Welcome to MB Need...

I'm very sorry you are here but want to you know that you have come to the most wonderful place that will help you survive this time in your life.

Have you exposed the A?

How long have you been coming to this website? Have you had a chance to read the different articles? Do you have the money to order Surviving An Affair.

How old are the children? Are you working? How are our finances?

I am sorry you are here...your story is like thousands of others that come across these boards, so please know that you are in good company, and good hands!

Nothing he is saying is unusual...this is very common. Here is what you need to do ASAP if you haven't already.

~EXPOSE this A to anyone who will put pressure on them to end it and do the right thing. This would include:

~HR dept. at their job
~their bosses
~any fellow employees who would not approve of this A
~WH's family
~your family
~any friends who will support you
~your pastor, if WH is a church-goer

Exposure will help to END THE AFFAIR and that is the first step you need to take if you want to try to save this.

Yes, as Queenie said...on this website, you need to read up on Plan A and Plan B, and also on exposure. This will give you a good start.

How do you know this? If this information was provided to you by your wayward husband it is probably a lie.

Have you spoken to the other woman's betrayed husband?

How old are your children?

I imagine you are feeling completely overwhelmed by the insanity of it all.

When I first came here it was explained that my H had been taken hostage and an alien monster was put in his place. Mine too was upstanding, completely devoted father and husband and yet he was throwing it all away for OW. I was truly devastated too. I couldn't imagine how I would survive this, but what happened was that the vets on here helped me gain my balance and move forward in plans.

Your H is only interested in getting high off of the good feeling his A has. He has become if you would, an addict who wants nothing but his next fix in life. That fix is the OW and I can promise you, he thinks nothing about you, and only about getting that fix.

The small comfort you can get it we all have gone through it, we all thought ours were the ONLY ones who did this and yet when we came here we learned there is a pattern that the wayward keeps too.

Stick close to here, take the advice of the so many smart people and you truly will be ok.

Hi all. Thank you for the feedback. I will try to answer the questions I saw. Our kids are 15 and 12. I just got to this website today, so I don't even know what all the abbreviations means. I have spoken to this other woman's husband. He is the one who told me their divorce will be final in about a month. I have exposed the affair. My husband and this woman are not listening to anyone. He is staying away from our common friends. Supposedly the people at his work (she works there too) are all supportive of this. I find that hard to believe. He and I only talk about the kids. He picks up our oldest daily and takes her to school. He goes to school functions, games, etc. It is awkward. I do not call him unless there is a change in the girls schedule. I guess I need to order that book. I found some website, rejoice ministries - it talks about praying for marriage restoration. That's what I have been doing. I also found another site, something about ending an affair. Thank you again. Any help would be great.

He is living out a fantasy, he is destroying his life and that of his family. He will realize it and when he does, depression will be on the horizon.

DUDE

Do you have a lawyer? Have you taken legal steps to protect what remains of your assets?

The book you need right now is "Suviving an Affair" available on this site, at a lot of bookstores and in many libraries.

Do your daughters know about their father's adultery?

I pray he is living out a fantasy, but when will he wake up? I know that no one knows for sure, but this is killing me. I do have an attorny. I have met with her, but have not counter-filed yet. From when he filed in mid March, I have 30 days to respond. Our girls do know. They were (and still are) mad. Our youngest does not want to talk with him. Our oldest is spending the night with her daddy tonight and tomorrow night. This is her first time sleeping there. She got upset with me, and said she just wanted to go over there. I just ordered the book Surviving an Affair. I think it was QueeniesAdventure, did your spouse ever return?
Thanks for all the support.

If they (WH and OW) work at the same place, you need to expose to HR if you have not already done so. This is probably against company policy. Exposure to all is what is required. And, like chrisner said you need to contact an attorney if you have not already done so. But, exposure to HR is required. IMO.

I left and went PLAN D on my fWW. She said it was a fantasy and meant nothing, but I left not her. If he was a good guy like you say, his conscience is KILLING HIM. His daughters probably have the most power over him at this time. Can your inlaws pressure him or your common friends? Surely he doesn't want to lose EVERYTHING including his SOUL?(I say this, but sometimes they risk it all!)

Need, number one priority is to expose this affair to people that count. You do it all in one fell swoop like a nuclear explosion. This should include parents, close friends, pastors, and ESPECIALLY the HR department where they work (with a cc to a president, vice-president or someone high up so HR can't sweep it under the rug.)

There is a form letter around here somewhere drafted by a corporate attorney who is familiar with how these things work.

Also when you do this, expect him to become VERY ANGRY. They all are. You will be blamed for everything, including the current state of the economy. You just repeat your mantra, I'm doing what I need to do to save my marriage. Then, would you like a potato chip dear? Not really, but you get the idea.

Nothing he says shakes you. He is not your husband right now, he is a wayward. They say the dumbest things that make no sense. (I never loved you. I haven't loved you in years, blah, blah, blah.)

Get "Surviving An Affair". It's your manual!

Oh, and welcome. Sorry you're here but you couldn't have found a better place for help with this.

I have contacted my attorney. Per his divorce papers, I am not allowed to contact his employer. My attorney says to stay away from his work now. I have told priest, friends, etc. Right now he is refusing listen or even talk to anyone. I did order the book Surviving an Affair. His father died and his mom has alzheimer's so she's no help. Thanks for the support.

I agree with everything that is being already told to you. Expose and read up on the plans here.
Also on Rejoice marriage ministries there is a daily devotional by Charlyne called Charlyne Cares I think that will also help you cope.

Sorry you have to be here, but you found a great site to help you.

Still

how can his divorce papers hinder your freedom of speech? How can that say who you can and cannot contact? That is stupid.

Expose to the employer by letter, letting them know company resources are being used to facilitate an affair, aka, potential sexual harassment lawsuit.

Your attorney is giving bad advice, imvho

I just called my attorney and in Tennessee it's called a "fail safe" and it means that he cannot contact my employer and make up lies and I can't call his work and tell them the truth. I think that this kind of thing is really not frowned upon at his work. I worked there for a short time a few years ago and heard lots of different rumors about some crazy stuff.
I hope I get the book soon. Is putting on my best self when I see him (like being kind, confident, looking my best) part of plan A? Oh and I do get the daily devotion from Rejoice Ministries.
Thanks

NH,

""She told him in early November that she "has a crush on him and therefore they need to watch their boundaries".""

Oh yeah!! Hearing this, to a man, is kind of like hearing a street hooker asking "HEY BIG BOY, YA WANT TO PARTY??"

Without the monetary consideration.

So that was the baited hook, and he bit hard on it.

Doing the math here, I am thinking there is an age difference of maybe 10 years or more? She has 3 young kids and yours are mid teen average?

You indicated finances were a problem so it can't be OW is looking for Mr Moneybags.

Is the other H leaving her? Like before she laid the "crush" bomb on your H?

Or is he leaving her because of the crush and the crash that followed?

Your H is totally addicted to the OW and the fantasy that comes with it. His brain is totally drenched with feel good pheremones that spray out afresh when he is with her. Like sucking on the crack pipe.

And like any addict HE WILL LIE TO YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTERS without batting an eye. DO NOT BELIEVE ONE WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

HR at work knowing about it and all the employees so happy for them, I do not believe for one minute. The bigger this company at which they work is the more they will be frowning upon their behavior.

Do you know any other employees at the firm with whom you could have a heart to heart

""Could it really be real."" NO.

Keep posting.

We will figure this out.

Stay strong and take care of yourself...for you and your daughters. Hopefully your older one will not romanticize this in any way. I would let her know how devastating this is for you and how terribly wrong it is.

kirk

Huh? Was this in temporary orders or something? Or a TRO? If so, what was going on that brought that into play?

Most attorneys WILL say not to expose because they don't understand the reasoning behind it. However, if there is a court ORDER in place, you'd better abide by that. Just make sure that exposure would go against it.

I would send an annomous (sp) letter to HR and to the Pres. of the company. You would not have to sign it or leave any indication who sent the letter... I don't see how anyone could keep you from exposing--like a gagg order I guess? That's really crazy!!