I'll try to make a long story short. Just discovered H is having what he admits as an "inappropriate relationship" with one of his graduate students. Initially would not fess up to it being an affair until I spent 3 days gathering emails (40 pages) of them discussing how to throw me off the trail of their relationship. I gave an ultimatum.....send a letter of NC which I get to read, edit and witness as its sent or get out. If he leaves, I told him I'd reveal to everyone and get a bulldog lawyer with the intent of walking away with everything I could and more.

We've been married 33 years. I have always thought I had pretty good radar with him and would know if he was up to something, although I thought we had a very happy relationship for years....equals, friends, long history and great social network of mutual friends. I think my radar was off in the last year because of my need to care extensively for my ailing father who is probably not going to live more than a few more months.

This is not H's first affair. When we'd been married 7 years I suspected but never was able to confirm a relationship with a graduate student at that time. I confronted him with my suspicions, he denied and I was never able to prove anything. It was not processed and our marriage got through a rough patch and was good (I thought) until this latest episode.

Now I wonder about whether he's been a practiced serial cheater.

I am trying to decide whether to continue in this marriage, although I'm over 60 and don't really want to struggle financially in the future. My H is saying he is not in love with OW and wants to save the marriage. I made him sign a contract saying if he is found in contact with OW again he forfeits our paid off home to me with its contents before any split of marital assets. House deed is now in my name. I'm playing hardball.

I need others with more experience than I to give me some feedback on where I'm at and if I'm crazy to consider staying with this man.....my opinion of him has fallen greatly. He's a gifted academic who even as an old guy is charismatic with students and doesn't seem to have an ethical problem having affairs with them. He says this is only the second time in our marriage. I said I'm sorry I didn't know we were allowed 2 outside relationships so I could have taken part (ha). He's very well known internationally for his research. If I expose him to his university, I'm not sure it will matter as half of his colleagues cheated on their wives and are now married to younger former grad students.

How will his affair stop if he continues to see the OW at school? How will this not happen again if he goes right back to the same environment that made it possible for him to have at least 2 affairs?

is there a plan here? Or is the alcoholic going to keep going to the bar every day and having drinks?

You are not crazy for wanting to save your marriage.

You might be crazy if you trust him further than you can throw him.

Why does he want to stay married to you, a woman who now holds a low opinion of him as a man?
I'm sure you've asked him.
What was the professor's thoughtful response?

H says he loves me, wants to preserve our marriage, was having a "fling" and will stop. We have drafted no contact letter, however its really meaningless as he is the other woman grad student's advisor and she is finishing her degree with him next month. Too late to switch advisor's, etc. as semester is almost over and then she is leaving to take a job in another city to pursue her career. She's no spring chicken...she's 42 and divorced.

H will not leave his job as its not that easy to get new academic positions at age 64 and he is within striking distance of retirement in two years. I will NOT expose him as his retirement will be how I am able to live well in my old age also, whether its with him or with half of his retirement if we divorce. If he leaves now from his university it would severely restrict what his payoff is in two years.

This is not so easy when you are in your 60's and you are starring retirement, health issues and the income you will have to live on the rest of your life hanging in the balance. If I were 30 or 40, I'd kick his butt to the curb and hope he'd get a sexual harrassment suit as his parting gift from one of his "advisees".

However, I have the upper hand as I see it now. If he wants me, he has to fix this. I'm angry enough now that without some large concessions on his part...total transparency, honesty, and a large amount of work on his part to make ME happy, ....well....let's just say he's got a lot to lose and I know where the skeletons are buried.

One more thing.....the dear Professor is getting a LARGE international award this summer in Europe....a trip we are (or were) making together. I doubt he would like a sex scandal to erupt about now to embarrass him in front of his peers and the foundation presenting the award. I'm sure he's perhaps a little worried about how the "advisee" will react to being dumped and whether she might expose him in addition to being worried about what I might do. He's stewing in his own juices about now....well deserved.

Well then, I guess you've decided you can live with the status quo. At least for awhile.




Let me rephrase my question:

How much does it bother WH that you've lost respect for him and no longer admire or trust him?

I think it does bother my H that I have lost respect for him. He has said he wants to stay and work on the marriage but he will go if that's what I want. He says he's been "a rat" and can't blame me for anything I might think. He said he has no excuse other than that they started out being friends and it became enticing and exciting and he's an old man and it felt good to feel "young and excited". He says he never considered it more than a fling although the OW has lately been wanting it to be more and he was trying to figure out how to back out of the relationship. He says he thought it would end naturally when she left for her new job.

I told him I'm not sure I will ever think of him in the same way again....even though I never considered him perfect, I always respected his work....it is important and he's quite gifted in his area of expertise.....but he has risked a lifetime career for a fling with a student...something that not only could ruin his marriage but could result in sexual harrassment charges and loss of his job. I told him for a smart man he's been exceedingly stupid.

We've had a very nice life overall and he risked it all for a roll in the hay. I'm not sure I can get over this.....but if there's a chance....he broke it....its his job to fix it if he wants to and can....I also get to decide at some point whether its worth it or not.

Did you talk about this?

Yes, we talked about my lost respect for him. He said he understands but also feels like he admits he made a huge mistake, but has been above board and honest with me during the rest of our marriage and that he hopes his behavior in the future will win back my feelings for him and my respect. He says he is absolutely done with this behavior and will be open and above board. If he's unable at any point to do this, he says he will be honest not lie to me about anything so that I can have the truth and make decisions for myself based on it.

He started sobbing at one point and said he's not sure how he could have let himself get into such a mess and also how he could have messed up the great life we've had together. He apologized .... also said he saw himself as "addicted" to the grad student at one point and had been trying to get away from the relationship. He is worried about her getting angry and claiming sexual harrassment, although he said she was a willing partner in their relationship. I pointed out that since he's the one giving the grades and "mentoring" the burden of propriety is upon him and he would be the one who could be claimed to be harrassing since he held the "power" in the relationship.

I agree 100% that you should try and save this M. 33yrs is a very long time. But do not sell yourself short. Set the bar high.