Hi Everyone

My name is Bonnie and I am new here to the forums. I have just recently found out that my husband of four years is having an affair. I am 23 years old and 8 months pregnant and about to give birth to our first child. I am completely devestated and feel as if my life has been a complete lie. It hurts even more because now I am bringing my son into this. I dont know if I should stay with him or not because I am debating wether he is considered a "serial cheater". He is of coarse doing everything in his power to keep me at this moment. His reason for the affair is he never was truly in love with me until now. He never knew what love felt like till now. Three days before I found out he said he realized how stupid he was and how much he loved me. He said he broke it off with her and was madly in love with me for the first time. I found out three days after he last saw her. I cant help but think he only stopped talking to her because I found out. He says he was done but I dont know. Sorry if this is long I am just so lost.
My husband had posted a add on craigslist and was replying to other woman's adds. He used a fake name and lied about everything to these woman. He was dating and talking to multiple woman not just one. He would be "working" nights but in reality taking these woman out and having sex with them and spending our hard earned money. He even had a another cell phone with his fake name on the caller id so these woman never even knew who they were really sleeping with. The crazy thing is we had been doing really well. We were not perfect but we were doing better then we ever had in our entire marriage. He said this is the first time he actually had sex with other woman in our marriage . Although this was not the first time he had been pursuing other woman. About two years ago I found out he was having sexual conversations online and maintaining relationships through the internet. He claimed he never had sex but I dont know if I believe it. I almost left him then and I didnt. Come to found out with this affair now everyone wants to tell me that he has always been really friendly with woman in front of our friends ...and no one told me. Our entire marriage he has never been faithful but now all of a sudden he says he REALLY REALLY LOVES ME. He wants to go to church with me and counseling and is trying so hard. The crazy thing is I REALLY LOVE THIS MAN. There is a side of me that believes him but I think I am blind. He has done me so wrong for years and I cant take getting hurt again. Is it possible to not really care for someone for so long then wake up one day and realize how amazing they are. Or am I just being stupid for even believing him. I dont want my son being born into a broken home ;( Thanks guys I need to vent

"Is it possible to not really care for someone for so long then wake up one day and realize how amazing they are. Or am I just being stupid for even believing him."

No. Sounds like hubby is a sex addict. I hope you will read up on that - check out recoverynation.

Please re-read what you wrote here. You said he's NEVER been faithful in your entire marriage, and you wonder if he's a serial cheater?? You knew this about him, and you decided to go ahead and get pregnant. Your friends are trying to tell you he's been cheating - you need to listen to what they're telling you.

The only reason - the ONLY reason - I am even considering telling you not to just kick his sorry butt out right now is that you are pregnant.

If you absolutely have to stay with him, you will have to do several things at the outset. He will have to give you passwords to every piece of electronics he has access to. You have to install a keylogger on the computer he uses so you can monitor exactly what he types and to whom. You have to install a voice-activated recorder in his car and check it regularly to see if he is ever lying to you - and you will have to do this for the rest of your marriage. Are you prepared for that?

If not, kick him out now. Don't teach your son it's ok to do this to HIS wife, by accepting it just to have a man around.

I assume you haven't had the time to read here yet about what you will need to do to affair proof your marriage. Is that what you want to do?

I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't imagine going through this while 8 months pregnant.

You have a very hard road ahead of you. Please make sure you take good care of yourself in the coming month because when the baby gets here, life will become so much harder.

My thought is that this man has been lying to you for a long time. He has spent MANY hours planning his adulterous behavior. And it is scary. You truly have NO IDEA how many A's he has had.

Do NOT believe a word he says. You need to devise an immediate plan to protect yourself and your unborn baby immediately. Whatever evidence you have of his adulterous behavior, put in a safe place. Call a lawyer ASAP and secure your finances. Do as much of this leg work you can NOW because you will not have the time when the baby arrives.

This is a huge wake up call. Please don't hesitate.

Wow, it's a tough situation.

All I know is some men are faithful some are not. It has little to do with the quality of the relationship or how much they "love" you. It has to do with character.

Cheaters tend to be self-centered. They have a self-centered world view. Everything revolves around them. They "love" you because you are useful to them in some way....maybe emotionally or financially or maybe you give them a sense of security. Whatever the reason they "love" you it's really all about them.

It's very difficult to get someone to change their entire self orientation from self-centered to family-centered or God-centered.

I'll bet that he is self-centered in other areas of his life and your marriage.

You can give him another chance but you have to understand that people who are capable of the level of dishonesty you described (fake name, secret phone, lying to other women, etc) very rarely change.

But since you're 8 months pregnant I don't think you have much to lose in giving him another chance. Let him know it's his last chance. Next time you catch him divorce him.

Oh, just remembered. Go to your doctor TOMORROW! Get tested for STDs, BEFORE you have your baby! If you have any, they may be passed on to your baby as you give birth! You may have to have a C-section to avoid this.

Bonnie,

Catperson is absolutely right. This must be done now.
Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to speak to your Dr. about this.
Your Dr. cannot help you to have a healthy baby for life if you are not honest with him/her. They are there to help you, not to judge to with regards to your husband.

You are very young and these decisions will be very difficult for you to make and stick to.
Do your parents/family know, husband's parents/family know ?

While your friends may be supportive, they are likely the same age as you. It will be helpful if you have support from older adults that will understand the implications of your husbands behaviour on your M.

Welcome to MB, I am sorry for you too.

Take care.

Thanks guys so much for your opinions. I feel so alone and in the dark and talking to someone really helps.

Mowtin everything you wrote seems to describe him exactly and its scary. I am afraid once he is bored off he will wander again. He says I did nothing he just didnt love me until now.

He really is doing everything in his power to win me back.There is a part of me that believes he wants to be with me only now. I feel so stupid for even believing that he would. He has played me for a fool for so long how could I let him back into my heart.

I like to think its possible for him to change but deep down inside I know he is a very self-centered person. He walks around life not really caring how his actions affect others. He went looking for an affair its not like he just fell for a co-worker he was around on a daily basis. He deceived me and these other woman who had no idea who they were even sleeping with. I feel bad for these other woman also. They had a stranger in their bed and I feel like I did too. He didnt care about what he was doing to me or them or our son.

I got pregnant ignorantly thinking we had a good marriage. Two years ago I found stuff online but he had been really remorseful and I really believed he wasnt having an affair. None of my friends had ever mentioned knowing he was a flirt or cheat until this most recent affair came out of the box. It hurts knowing everyone knew but me.

I am going to the doctor today and am going to tell her I need to be checked because of my husbands affair. Its going to be hard but I cant risk my husbands actions hurting my son.

The hardest part is my son is involved in this now. I dont want his daddy to leave us when he is old enough to understand what is going on. I feel so bad because its my fault for bringing him in this broken home. I shouldnt have ever trusted my husband after the first time and gotten pregnant.

It comes down to me thinking maybe my husband is changing...we are very young maybe he is going to grow up finally. Should I give him a chance so maybe we could make this family work. He says this will make us stronger then ever and I really want to believe so. I just really dont know if I can take any more pain. I am trying not to stress out or be depressed because I am on bed-rest and have been since I was 26 weeks. They are actually going to induce me early so I am already worried about my sons health and this happening is not helping me relax.

Sorry if this is long

Once again thank you everyone for your opinions. It really helps!

Bonnie

Honestly, with his history (really?? NEVER been faithful?) I would assume if his lips are moving he's lying. I'm sorry you're in such an awful predicament with a high-risk pregnancy.

Bonnie, do you do yoga? That would be a really big help for you right now. You can find yoga tapes for pregnancy.

I feel for you!

My DH also had an A when I was pregnant with our only son. It was terrible! You have pregnancy hormones making you feel crazy and moody and you have the emotional roller coaster of the A making you feel crazy and moody. Roll with it. Please remember to eat and take your vitamins. That's so important, especially during such a high stress time in your life.

I agree with Catperson, you need to get your finances in order, get your own checking account, etc, so you can be ready to do whatever you decide to do. Make your plans NOW because once the baby gets here, things will get much tougher.

Good luck!