I would love some advice please!

We have been trying to R for 8 months and I have finally reached the conclusion that he still cannot access his emotions or share them with me most of the time and I don't think I can live like this anymore. It is so painful for me; he is trying, I know because I see his actions that show caring, but I can't reach him and he can't reach out to me at all emotionally.

We had a big blow out over the weekend: I poured my guts out on paper on a number of issues about how I feel about myself (which isn't very good), and what I think he feels for me based on his various actions over the years, and I read it to him (with his permission). Nothing in it blamed him; it just described how I feel/think/thought at certain times in the past. When I finished, and finished blowing my nose, he said nothing, didn't move - nothing. I got up and went to the bathroom and came out and he was still sitting there.

So I went in the other room and tried to keep busy doing something else while I felt like I was going to die b/c of his lack of emotion or concern or caring for me. 2 hours later he told me -- thanks for reading that to me. And that was it. No other feedback or comments.

This type of reaction has been typical - he can't access his own emotions or allow himself to view/think about mine -- I think it is too painful for him and he doesn't really know how. He hasn't wanted to try either. We have been in MC for 7 months and he recently agreed to go to IC, but hasn't started yet.

I can't take this anymore; it hurts me so much to be with him. He continually shows me in this manner that he doesn't or can't care about me and our marriage, but he tells me loves me and wants to be with me and stay married. Although I believe him somewhat - nothing changes.

Can a separation help? He has made some progress in MC but even the counselor told us that unless he does IC, we can't go any further (which is why he agreed to do it). Someone suggested to me to try a 3 month separation to see if giving some time to each of us to work on ourselves (which I have already been) helps. I love him and that is appealing although my brain tells me that it is unlikely to help and ripping apart my family (2 teenagers) on a "temporary" basis will be extremely heart wrenching to us all and will leave me in limbo and delay the inevitable.

I don't see how a separation will help. Please give IC a try first before giving up. His problem may not be one of love but of showing it. A lot of men have a hard time with emotional connection, esp. if they have a family that raised them that way or were in a war. Showing emotion has nothing to do with love...there are also others out there that feign emotion but do not love.

Your marriage sounds like mine. I just want him to plug in a little. He is so closed off it feels like I am completely alone. He went to counseling and is so afraid of opening up that he is talking about seperating. I can't believe he would leave his kids/family because he is so afraid. He says he loves me but thinks we just aren't right for each other. After 19 years together I just don't understand. What does it take to just trust someone. I would be there for him but he tells himself that he needs these walls up to protect himself. I am so sad and lonely I just don't know where to turn. I am in ic and it helps but I can't do this alone. He says ic has flioed a switch and he is very angry at me. I'm sorry to hear you are going through a similar situation. It really hurts....

Yah, perhaps something in his past has him in walls up survival mode instead of being able to flourish. It's sad. My ex can be that way as well. It's awful because I'm so sensitive and crave at least some sensitivity. He was more sensitive when we met, became less so over time.

I don't know, could you separate like you and the kids go on vacation for two weeks? Probably not due to work I'd imagine. I would say don't separate unless you're feeling ready to divorce and feel a trial separation before a very possible divorce may help. Don't separate to snap sense into him. Separate only if you've had enough and feel it's this or straight out divorce.

Good luck...

Are you sure he showed no emotion? He didn't move for 2 hours. Is he usually a sedentary person? Are you sure he can't access his emotions? Or is it that he is not meeting your need for openness and honesty very well? Your H may be experiencing emotions, but he may not feel comfortable sharing them in a very open or vocal way. Also, people have varying degrees of introspection and "feeling." Your husband may have felt like he got hit with a sledge hammer, but is able to isolate out feelings of failure, guilty, shame, defensiveness, anger, etc.

A separation may help but only under really well controlled circumstances. Before you do anything, you should read "Should I Stay or Should I Go? How a Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage." This plan is different from Plan B separation in that everything is negotiated in advance of the separation, and hopefully negotiated with the help of the MC. Such issues include when the separation will start, when it will end. If you will date each other, if you will date others, how money is handled, how and what to tell people, child visitation, etc. The whole process up to the separation is part of the marriage therapy. I think this probably works best when one or both spouses are highly motivated to separate, but aren't sure about divorce. I think it's a better choice when the behavior change needed to ensure a good marriage is not something cut and dry. Plan B works great for infidelity, addiction, lazy souls who refuse to get a job or work.